Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[Valeska19]

@ JS - You really get used to the hours. The hard part is doing a 7a-7p.. then the next day be a 7p-7a.

Rest won't likely happen as I'm on a tv show up until I leave for the holidays.

Journal - I'm glad to be super busy as I have been down the last 48 hrs in regards to the holidays. I am teetering between being extremely sad and kinda pissed off.

Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It stems from my mother. She's the type that watches Christmas movies in July.

There is alot of tradition.

There is a part of me that wants to barrel through it. To decorate my house, buy a tree, listen and play Christmas music. To not give my w and my sitch so much power.....

.... but the truth is... that I cry when I try to do something Christmas-ish.. other than the party... which btw - so far, 15 kids will get Christmas gifts! - Booyah!

We will most likely finish up the car situation this week. Part of me will be glad that this will be over. Part of me is sad that it will be done.

I realize we never know what the future holds but I feel like what I want can't happen. It would be a miracle.

I know I had my mistakes but my w always knew that I loved her. She's always said how funny and proud of me she was.. how she couldn't imagine me not being in her life.

Well.. she seems to be doing just fine.. and even if not, she won't make a move. I'm standing still and she stills moves away.

It's not like I'm being nice to get her back.. I'm just kinda upset that she acknowledges it but still moves the opposite direction.

I find myself getting angry. Angry at my w for making this Christmas so hard, and angry at myself for still having hope.

I want to let go and I work towards it, but detaching is so hard. I don't really know how to shut that part of my emotions off.

I live my life and I enjoy it.. but I still deeply love my wife. Sometimes I fear that I'll never get over her. That I'll be settling for the rest of my life.

It's not so much that I'm impatient or am eager to find someone else.. I just am very fearful that I will "wait" for too long..

It's like if I get this D, then it's done and I can squash all that hope that still haunts me.

Maybe that's me just trying to run from my feelings because things are really hard right now.

I'm sure I'm mad because I was detaching much easier when she was being mean to me..

Like everything other time, I just need to rest in my faith. Feel my emotions and know that if anything I have learned in the past 8 months.. that doing these things have only benefited me.. and in some cases my interactions with w.

Urgh.. super emotional today guys and the stinkin thinkin is really hard to fight off.

Sorry for the negative rant.

[Rick1963]

(((((Val))))) get the Christmas tree. Lights and what ever you like. It is about the birth of Jesus and not our W. I put the lights even tho I was sad as he'll but a few days later W and D put the tree up. Yes this is going to be hard. But it ain't the end of the world.

The trick about stinking thinking is to challenge irrational beliefs like noone will ever love me, noone will findme attractive. Really? What are the statistical chances that that is going to happen?
Challenge your brain often and see what happens.

Ps I dislike actors will tell y one day

[westcoastfella]

I have definitely felt a lot of what you are feeling now, Val, and I struggle with it myself. Unfortunately, the holidays are a very bad time for the LBS to DB -- so many warm, loving memories of the M can only dig deep right now.

As much as you might feel that a recon with your W is impossible, allow yourself to realize that anything can truly happen. People change, as do circumstances. What I find helps is trying to live in the present moment as much as possible. All we have is right now. Too often, we try to say "This will probably happen" or "this will never happen" because in doing so, we foster an illusion of control over the outcome of events. But you really never know what will happen until it does. Most of us didn't see the bomb coming -- perhaps a chance at recon can be equally deceptive!

Yes, perhaps your W is moving away from you even as you stand still, but that might not have all that much to do with you -- might have a lot more to do with her own personal journey. Let her go live her life and find herself. Maybe she'll find out after some soul-searching that she really had it better than she thought she did.

Also, I wouldn't give up all hope after the D. Sadly, we are taught to regard D with such finality -- D means never getting back together ever again! But really, it's just scribbling on some legal documents. People are far more complicated than that. Most of us feel that our WAS' believe that as soon as D is filed, then all of their problems will magically disappear! But, of course, they'll find that their problems are still there, regardless.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. We're all in the same boat here. (Well, except for people who have successfully reconned. Perhaps they're more like our Coast Guard. )

[Valeska19]

@ Rick. I don't really worry about if people will ever love me or find my attractive - it really is more of the opposite.. that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

I did take your advice. I watched my first Christmas movie last night... and listened to some Christmas music. I'll skip the tree. I'm working 16 hr days so I won't get to enjoy it.

@ West. You're right in alot of ways. I think she purposefully keeps me at a distance.

In some ways.. I think D will relieve some pressure. Our conversation tones are very different when we talk about D vs. life. Then again... after the D.... there will be no reason for me to talk to her.

I can't wait to go home for the holidays. I definitely need a break from my sitch and LA. 3 wks should be good.

[sayitaintso]

Val- I'm sorry you are having a rough time. This ride we're on definitely has some extreme ups and downs. I like the perspective WCF took as far as doing your best to remain in the present. Just think back to your own situation and how things and circumstances have changed from moment to moment, day to day, week to week.

When we get into a negative funk its easy for us to keep that paradigm going but the truth is we don't know what the immediate or long term future is going to bring.

Keep your head up and be happy with doing your best. You can only control you.

And as far as XMAS traditions go i can completely understand as I grew up in a simialr fashion.

Think about how awesome it is for what you are doing for those 15 kids and that this year will be a start to that tradition which I think is amazing.

Best!!

[JustStunned]

Val, Just checking in. Get what rest and joy you can. I hope your Christmas efforts are more amazing than I imagined them to be. The few days I spent in KY last month were a God send to me. I hope your visit home brings you peace.

I believe WCF view of D to be correct, at least I hope so. For me only time will tell.

[Truegritter]

that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

Ahhh...and that is a real drag isn't it?

I know well this.

Would you accept a better looking woman who treated you worse?

I have my own theory that the more attractive you are the harder the journey to peace.

Peace comes from not gauging your happiness by what others think about you.

Oh so old and contrite...it comes from inside.

But why are we so willing to give beautiful people a mulligan.

She treats me like she sh!t BUT she is attractive.

There is no end of people who will put up with sh!t.

That is not you Val.

You have been here long enough to know that.

If she posts. Really bucks up and shows you how much she appreciates YOU.

That is the day I will accept this:

that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

[wawinla]

There is a part of me that wants to barrel through it. To decorate my house, buy a tree, listen and play Christmas music. To not give my w and my sitch so much power.....

.... but the truth is... that I cry when I try to do something Christmas-ish.. other than the party... which btw - so far, 15 kids will get Christmas gifts! - Booyah!

We will most likely finish up the car situation this week. Part of me will be glad that this will be over. Part of me is sad that it will be done.

I realize we never know what the future holds but I feel like what I want can't happen. It would be a miracle.

I know I had my mistakes but my w always knew that I loved her. She's always said how funny and proud of me she was.. how she couldn't imagine me not being in her life.

Well.. she seems to be doing just fine.. and even if not, she won't make a move. I'm standing still and she stills moves away.

It's not like I'm being nice to get her back.. I'm just kinda upset that she acknowledges it but still moves the opposite direction.

I find myself getting angry. Angry at my w for making this Christmas so hard, and angry at myself for still having hope.

I want to let go and I work towards it, but detaching is so hard. I don't really know how to shut that part of my emotions off.

I live my life and I enjoy it.. but I still deeply love my wife. Sometimes I fear that I'll never get over her. That I'll be settling for the rest of my life.

It's not so much that I'm impatient or am eager to find someone else.. I just am very fearful that I will "wait" for too long..

It's like if I get this D, then it's done and I can squash all that hope that still haunts me.

Maybe that's me just trying to run from my feelings because things are really hard right now.

I'm sure I'm mad because I was detaching much easier when she was being mean to me..

Like everything other time, I just need to rest in my faith. Feel my emotions and know that if anything I have learned in the past 8 months.. that doing these things have only benefited me.. and in some cases my interactions with w.

Urgh.. super emotional today guys and the stinkin thinkin is really hard to fight off.

Val:

I'm sorry you're in a low point.

I have to tell you, I feel EXACTLY the same as you.. Thanks for so eloquently expressing your feelings -- I wish I was able to do it as well as you.

I about to send back my edits to the marriage settlement agreement and I struggle with the finality it means for my M. My WAW will use it as another way to demonize me, but it is what it is.

You'll get through this rough patch and things will be okay. Don't let the "negative thoughts-- e.g., "lost the love of my life" -- adversely affect you. I strugle with that too, but am doing my best to not let these cognitive distortions plunge me into a depressed state.

You've done an amazing job with GAL and moving forward. You've given folks like me encouragement, support and help through our tough times. I hope you remember this in your down moments and I hope it serves as an inspiration and pick me up

Spending the Christmas back East?

Thoughts and prayers go out to you my friend!

[gunny]

Hello Val,

I know how you are feeling, I feel exactly the same way. But, I know intuitively, intellectually, that things will change, eventually, and for the better. The advice about staying in the now is priceless,

Hang in there,
Gunny

[BklynMom]

I guess its that time of year. I am totally bumming as well and I hate Christmas. I am such a grinch but for some reason this year I am feeling more sentimental.

"But, I know intuitively, intellectually, that things will change, eventually, and for the better." - gunny

You are not alone. We are here with you. And we think you rock;)