Never thought I'd be here........

[Accuray]

Crimson,

Yes, she will seem fine, particularly to you. There is no way that she's going to let you see a crack in that veneer. Just know that she is not fine, you're just the last one she's willing to share that fact with right now. No one can make such a big life change, inflict so much hurt, and go through so much upheaval without feelings of doubt, regret and remorse. They also, however, have hope that things will be better without you -- that's the only face you'll see.

Why? Because if she shows you doubt, remorse, or grief, she knows you will seize on it and come charging in and she wants space. You are like a wall of water behind a dam from her perspective. One little crack and she's going to be awash -- therefore she must be impermeable.

For men (and perhaps for women too), we are driven to solve problems. It's one of the old relationship cliches that women want to share their problems and just want us to listen, but we rush to offer solutions. When our relationships are in crisis, we want to solve the crisis right now. Every interaction becomes an opportunity to solve the problem. That's how we're wired and why this is hard -- because the solution comes from inaction in the relationship.

One of the great learnings I had through my crisis is the value of time. What your W says and does today is not permanent. We tend to deal in absolutes, and if our spouse tells us something with conviction, we perceive it as fact and it colors our understanding of our relationship forever after. That's not how people work however, people change their minds and their feelings daily. Therefore, there are some things that will reveal themselves only through time. That's what it means when DB says not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. It's trying to tell you not to regard their current attitude as fact forever after.

You also need to give your strategies time to work. One exercise I used was to put a date on my calendar 3 weeks out. I said I would keep doing the same thing (detach, no R talks, whatever) for 3 weeks and at the end of that time, I would re-evaluate. Then, I would either KEEP doing the same thing, or change course depending on what was working. If you don't set goals and put dates in your calendar, it's very tempting to try to shift strategies and backslide based on how you are feeling in the moment, or in reaction to the last thing that happened.

We get into panic / crisis mode and don't see things as clearly as we should.

Sorry if this is redundant with advice you've already received. I feel your pain and I wish you the best

Accuray