Abbey, I think it is very positive your H is willing to talk to you about his issues with the OW. I don't hear anything from "the other bubble" and I think that's a huge issue in breaking through the fog.
Stay strong and GAL away...you are in a tough situation but I like your attitude!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Abbey, I think it is very positive your H is willing to talk to you about his issues with the OW. I don't hear anything from "the other bubble" and I think that's a huge issue in breaking through the fog.
Stay strong and GAL away...you are in a tough situation but I like your attitude!
I know it was the last time too. That's why I'm staying with my feet in the puddle. As always the risk is... he can go the other way ... and that's when you have to be ready to walk/pull the plug. It does serve as a gauge though, as to where he's "at". Esp, since I've seen the same path before.
It would be easier to be away, because I do think it would fast forward the thing... (esp since the model of home I like just came on the market today).. but anyway, I"ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Mean time, I know he'll come home, griping, then he'll defend her about something her old boss is doing to her. Round it goes.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
The whole codependent idea is something that I have a love/hate relationship with.
I'm not sure I buy into the concept hook line and sinker. YET, I do comprehend how the interpersonal relationship aspect feeds off of others, and needs others to fuel our own insecurities etc.
So much reading to do. So little time. Practically every one of us could be T's ourselves once we get through this. I've thought about it a time or two.
Thanks for the vote of confidence Nb and Mz, it is survival, and it's something that after the last time, makes me more determined than ever to not let myself become so depressed that I simply shut down.
It's weird, the couple I spoke about in another post. Their troubles actually shock me more than my own. Weird.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Just got off phone with H. More confiding. End of convo after numerous complaints says about OW: She and her H are too peas in a pod, they deserve each other. I want my daughter OUT of there.
His daughter made a comment that has him concerned. OW defends her H, saying he's great with the kids. My H does not believe that. I don't know about OW's H, but I know the child services were called on OW last year. (Mutual friend's daughter made the official complaint). Complaint about OW smacking of her sons with a plastic stick. My H saw OW grab her other daughter by the hair and drag her down the hall in another instance.
Is the fog lifting because "being nice to her" isn't getting him any closer to his daughter? Round and round. Anyone got the number for Jerry Springer?
Me: I just had a lovely beandip dinner, complete with tasty Jack cheese and lots of taco meat. Yum
Some days I'm REALLY glad I no longer drink. *smile* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
BTW,... incase it looks any other way. No matter if I'm in the picture or not... I fully support that Daughter needs to get out of that crazy nutjob household with the nutjob OW, the passive-aggressive H.
There's nothing funny about how daughter lives. Nothing at all.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
YOu know - you make a lot of ASSumptions about these people, based on hearsay and stuff your H tells you. About the only concrete info you have is that CPS was called.
Hard to judge the OW's H as passive aggressive - I think he can be forgiven for acting out a little when his wife has had a baby with another man! Given the situation it seems like he's done rather well. After all, he hasn't shot your husband!
And please be real - unless real genuine abuse is documented, or a serious drug problem is documented, your H is NOT going to get full custody of a child he fathered to a married woman in an affair. In some states he wouldn't even get visitation if her husband wanted to be the father. Your H needs to see a lawyer to get a REALISTIC idea of what visitation he might get.
Actually Kml, I knew her BEFORE my husband got involved with her. My interaction with her lasted 2 years prior to the A. Because of the interactions and the nature of them... I'll just say that what we actually know about her, IS enough to get a good shot at custody.
What I'm not saying is what my H accuses her H of. Only have HER word for what she claims about that.
As for the rest, I was privy to the phone calls, the psycho behavior left on his phone, his voice mail, his email, texts, etc etc etc. As was I privy to what people very close to the sitch witnessed themselves. There is NO reason to lie. Matter of fact, when I was told a lot of the stuff I know... the people who spoke about it,... did NOT know I was my H's wife. (Kinda hard to explain why without perhaps having someone figure out who I am on here from my home town)... suffice to say... this wasn't the stuff she did to her kids... this was stuff she did or said to my H in front of others. This is stuff that is concrete and provable, not heresay. (A hole in the wall where she threw an item AT my husband is just a start, for example).
To clarify, The plastic stick incident was part in parcel of what was documented and reported to the children services.
Also, I'm not in the US. Not all laws, esp family law works the same as in the states. Auto joint custody is the norm, UNLESS there is issue for concern. There IS issue for concern.
The lawyer issue is closer than ever. As you well know though, if it's "my" idea, it will fall flat in the future. This has to be his idea.
cheers Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Btw,... I'm rather surprised that there hasn't been violence myself. I actually don't vilify her H. I'm not inclined to believe everything she's claimed was done to her by her H. Some of the things she says he did to her,... would have had him thrown in jail, no questions asked.
That the kind of stuff gets told to me by my H. I haven't spoken about any of that here, because there is no proof for it. Strangely, people who know him, say he's a stand up guy who loves OW, but is now sick of the lies, and deception. He's there for those kids day in and day out. He works shift and is there for them more than dear old mom is.
cheers Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
@ Starsky. I'm not posting about the "stuff" I'm doing day to day because some of it is rather lack luster in print.
Come January I'll be so damn busy that I won't know if I'm coming or going. (Lull before the business storm).
Business in December is downtime for me, because it's not retail.
You asked in another thread, why make someone a priority who is making us their second choice. By definition, your question implies that we shouldn't DB at all, we should just shut them out completely. You're assuming to read what's in our H's minds. (something else you commented on and said we shouldn't do.) But I do think you're attempting to read mine. So I'm confused.
FWIW, People have intuition, people DO know their partners, people DO get a grasp on what's going on with their partners. I DO know what's in my H's mind, because I'm seeing it first hand, he's verbalizing it first hand. I'm watching a toxic relationship where they fight, then cling, fight then abuse each other verbally, then cling, go passive aggressive, then cling, then push away, then argue. Try to one up, one turns their back to withhold clinging, then fight, then cling. Round and round and round.
Me, I'm not clinging. Actually watching this has made me disgusted and my view of my H in a word most times would be one word: Pathetic. He still goes running back, just like a stupid puppy. He's clueless, hurtful, and the only priority I am committed to, is my own self survival.
My comments here are just what they are, comments, rants, raves, progresses, and backslides.
Cheers Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
