Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

This is going to be long, so bear with me. Had a big bump in my piecing story. Let me know what you think – lessons learned, 2x4’s, things I did right and wrong, what you guys think about where we are headed…. Everything welcome…..

Yesterday H told me that when OW goes back to her home country (apparently she is still here till next week) she will continue working part time with H’s company, handling some aspects of the research being done by H in her homeland.

I went crazy. I told H that I could not accept such a set up, that it was going to cause failure of our reconciliation. That I will be hurting every time they had to speak. That I felt that it might make him feel for her again. I did not want him to ever have contact with OW again. I said he should do everything not to re-hire her. He said she was the most qualified person to do the job, and that it was not his decision alone.

H got mad at me. He said I should not have brought up the topic of OW in the first place because we were doing so well with our reconciliation efforts. He felt that I was being demanding and controlling all over again, and he said that he no longer felt anything for OW and knew that what he felt was wrong. He also said that he had defriended OW from FB, and never texts her anymore or writes. But he did admit to the occasional phone call, but that was more to make it easy on himself. He said that I should believe him when he says that he wants our marriage to work and that he would not do anything, and even if he were in contact with OW it no longer meant anything to him. He also said that he and OW never had anything remotely physical, not even in the past.

What hurt me though was that he said that if I view things that way, it would be the cause of our M’s failure, and that we should rethink our commitment to the M. I told him that I did not feel I was being demanding, just that I wanted to protect our M. He pointed out he wanted to do the same, and that I should try to see all our improvements - we are talking, he has committed to working on our M, he has realized and accepted that we do love each other, and that we did love each other in the past, and we are even sexually intimate now, after 5 months on no ML. I told him I do realize and see all of those and that I am very thankful,

We both decided at that point not to talk further, as we were just making things worse. He assured me that he would never leave us for OW, or for anybody else. We then left the house to pick up D in a friends house, and while we were there, I could see that H was doing his best to act sweet to me, sending me loving looks, talking nicely to me, sitting beside me.

I tried to be responsive at that point but was too shocked and was into the downward spiral of depression. I have to admit, I sabotaged his efforts by even implying during our conversation that he went to OW’s country in the past not because the company sent him but because he wanted to be with OW, of which he really got mad at me and told me that of course not, that was all the decision of his boss.

Anyway, by the time we went home we alternately having normal conversation and loaded ones, mostly with me being in the attack mode.

He finally said at 9:30 PM that he was emotionally exhausted and wanted to sleep. On the other hand, I was so overwrought that I could to sleep and even had nightmares when I did. I even dreamt of being suffocated and woke him up by struggling against him and hitting him with my elbows.

I lay in the dark afterwards, finally calm enough to pray. I needed to think clearly and rationally, to process what I just learned. Suddenly I felt that things were clear… and I woke him up (OMG) but I felt it couldn’t wait. Things he had been telling me suddenly became clear to me.

I told him that now I realized what our barriers where for committing fully to our M. His was thinking that we had no love in our M in the past. He struggled with thinking that he has made a mistake, married his best friend. But last week, at our post session, he had a breakthrough. He realized that we did have love in our M, and that we could bring back that love by deciding to commit and love. H, now fully awake, told me “you finally get it! And that is why I am no longer worried about OW! I thought that the emotion I felt for her was love, but realized it was not! It is just the stereotype brought about by movies and books! True love is what we have!”

For me, I explained that my barrier to commitment was OW. That I still felt hurt and was afraid to be hurt more, that is why I my reaction was so deep to the news. I asked that he understand me, and accept my feelings as such.

We discussed how OW’s are actually a symptom of what is missing in a relationship, and he told me that now, he is confident that we understand what is missing in our relationship and that I should strive not to think about OW.

Somehow, after our conversation, I felt so reassured and open. I don’t know if that is the right thing to be, but almost all of my fears were allayed. I hope to God that my intuition on this is right and that I won’t be disappointed again.

To end the night, H suddenly turned to me with a twinkle in his eye, and said “now thats all resolved, and here we are, wide awake at 3AM, why not ML? and I laughed too and told him – ready when you are!”

LOL, rest of the night was fun and games…..