"Sharks and fish can be friends" from Finding Nemo

[punkin]

Ladies, ladies. True, at our age they are probably not knocking the door down, as in our younger years. BUT, they also are not all the selfish, self-centered, whore-dogs they were of their youth. Lets face it. No one is knocking their door down either, except for those oh-so-sad ladies who read the obits to determine when an eligible man is there.

The FWB thing, I kind of fell into.

I used him and he used me as sounding boards on "What are (insert approprite sex) thinking" kind of thing, so we had a very frank, open relationship to begin with. The more time we spent together, the more comfortable it became, although I never had any fantasies of being in love. Finally, when he made 'a move' we talked about it, and VOILA. I admit it would not be for everybody. I'm amazed it has worked for me. So far, so good. We are neither one teenagers, and just because we go to dinner doesn't mean an intense night of necking, etc. It often means we bring home scraps to our respective dogs, kiss good night at the door, see ya.

Last night he came over for a quick dinner before we went to the annual Christmas parade/lighting/fireworks, which I can now see as it is only a few blocks from my house. Afterwards we came in and watched a movie. Then he went home. No big deal. Enough company to keep you from going batty, no so much you feel obligated or smothered.

Some of my friends feel this 'holds me back' from moving into a REAL relationship, but truthfully, I'm not ready for that. May never be, but that doesn't mean I died.

I do believe, Never Say Never!

[job]

punkin,
You are doing everything right...taking it slow and just enjoying his company and he is the same way. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

How is the house coming along? Christmas decorations up? The new year is right around the corner and the only thing you can do is go up! You've come a long way and have been an inspiration to all of us.

[BeingMe]

So true, punkin! You have been an inspiration to me. Even though I don't post as much anymore, I do read, and sometimes you I laugh, and other times I have tears in my eyes. You should think about writing professionally.

Have an awesome rest of the weekend.

[punkin]

Thank you, BeingMe! I've wanted to write all my life, but if I seriously set down and think about doing it, my first line seems to always come out, "There was a horse named Bill . . ." Fascinating stuff.

And Snodderly, Everything?? I doubt I could ever do as well and be as adjusted as you are, but I thank you for the compliment. Honestly, I've got my lighted reindeer in the yard, and my wreath on the door. I have a sad Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but at least it was free. I considered not even putting one up, as we have agreed to have Christmas at D25's house, but I just couldn't give XH the satisfaction of not putting one up. Next year will be better, time heals all wounds, and all that rot! With the cold and wet moving into my area, I'm feeling my age.

Truly, I am fighting off anxiety as almost a daily ordeal. I just have 'spells' where I become short of breath, chest pounds, head pounds, eyes cross, and not in a fun way, either. I know what it is, try to keep my perspecitive and breath deeply, let it pass. I have always heard this is the lonliest time of the year. That is true, but then, I am only as lonely as I allow myself to be. It is not for lack of company, I can have as much company as I wish, but can be alone even in a crowded room, when you are missing a particular person.

Fake it til you make it, is truly how I am feeling this Holiday Season.

[job]

punkin,
You are where you are suppose to be at this time. No fast forward or rewinding...just in the moment today. I'm glad to see that you are moving along with your decorating. I'm sure your little Charlie Brown Christmas Tree is happy as can be in a loving home. It doesn't matter what the tree looks like, it's what it symbolizes, i.e., the season of new beginnings, a season of hope and yes a season of friends and family getting together, and one last thing, the season for meeting new people. There is something about Christmas that brings miracles to our attention. Miracles happen every day, but the Christmas season tends to bring more about.

Next year will be different in so many ways for you and, yes, it will be better. So, enjoy the time w/your family and know that the new year will bring many new changes for you. You deserve all of the best that the new year has to offer.

[beatrice]

This an interesting thread. I have been away, and having a very good time.

But with regard to new relationships, we are all very different. There are no rules, and age isn't a limitation, it is in our heads, and we tend to believe what we are told is the conventional wisdom. One of my very best friends met a lovely guy [a few years younger] when she was 50. He had been widowed, and they are very very happy. It was a totally random and chance meeting.

What i think we need to remember is that our MLCer became a really unpleasant person - towards us, at least, over a short space of time. [And in most cases, to others in their lives.] And as a result we have lost sight of what 'normal' is. Relationships are very scary when our partner turn on us like a mad animal. Sorry if that sounds over dramatic, but that is how is what for me.

i know there are those who say it is a long time coming . . . . . but I found it blindsiding.

That kind of experience trauamtizes us, and makes us wary. Add to that a very long relationsihp, and most of us really aren't going to be out there with much capacity for trust and 'normal' fun for a long time.

Those who manage this sooner are amazing, but there isn't anything wrong with it taking a long time. People recover from trauma at different rates, and we need to recognise that what happened to us is not run of the mill. We moved from happiness to intense and gut wrenching pain in a short space of time, and have tried to find out why, and what happened. Sometimes I still think it is me - that my xh was right when he said I was the crazy one for being upset . . . rationally I know this isn't true, but what these MLCers say gets right inside our heads. Learning not to feel worthless and rejected can take a long time.

We are rebuilding ourselves, and learning to live on our own again, but with the added difficulty of rejction and often a period of emotional abuse at the time of the bomb, from the person we trusted and loved most in the world . . .

i know we all know all of this, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of just what we have had to move on from.

[AntoniaB]

hey B, glad to see you back and even happier you were off having fun!

You know reading your post made me think of an analogy, and it's not a pleasant one but it makes the point.

No one on this earth would expect someone who was sexually violated to get back out there and have sex a year or so, probably even several years, after being traumatized. In fact, we'd expect that person to have years of the effects of that trauma to work through before a sexual relationship with a kind and loving person would be ok for them. Granted, I know of at least one friend who was the victim of date rape who then became numb to sex and had it often after...but that created its own set of problems for her. I'm sure most people who are traumatized in that way shy away from future intimacy.

Well what happened to us wasn't rape but an emotional violation of our trust, and I'm sure that it is every bit as devastating. So for people around us or even ourselves to not "honor" that level of trauma and indicate that we just have to get back out there shows that we don't as a society really understand the level of traumatiziation that a divorce under THESE circumstances can bring. Maybe it's because so many people divorce frivolously or immediately flaunt dating new people or publicly trash their exes, I don't know. But there is a lack of empathy/understanding for the level of betrayal we've faced, and honestly, till we can overcome a lot of that, we will probably not function well in new relationships. We might end up pushing away really nice people because we lack trust or because we still have work to do in rebuilding our shattered self-esteem.

I'd like to suggest that since it seems a lot of us are struggling with this now that we take it as an opportunity to change the face of what being divorced or stbd after an MLC is seen as by others...that we need to work on showing our family and friends that we are beat up but we got back up again, and part of our rebuilding of ourselves involves loving being by ourselves and not wishing or hoping we could move things forward faster to the day we are with someone else.

I suspect we want to be "there", dating others/potentially in a rel., because we assume if we are there "this" is now over. We want "it" to be over.

Well, it's not. But maybe we have to just embrace "it" for what it is, say that a year ago, or more, we couldnt' have imagined that we would be doing THIS well, and just learn how to love being with ourselves and our family and friends and SHOW THEM that being single is an awesome place to be and we're choosing that because it's best for us right now.

Ok wow, didn't expect my soap box to be so big on that one. Bea inspired me :-)

[beatrice]

Antonia, I agree with what you have said - a good post that really 'spoke' to me.

I agree that there is a failure 'out there' to understand what it is like to have been dealt this sort of blow, and I also think that most of the people who post here are reluctant to express the level of their hurt because we do not want to appear as 'victims'

And yes, a good part of the wanting a relationship is not simply to try and replace what we had, and [understandably] want back in our emotional lives, but also, as you say, it would also signify that we were OK again. And we aren't really. We are all getting there, but emotional healing takes a very long time.

Your post really helped me, because I often feel rather feeble for not being OK by now.

[BeingMe]

Punkin has done really well in this, I think. She shows such a good example to the rest of us, with her humor.

[PEI]

Hey ladies,

I agree with most of the thoughts here ... I would like to add that I think one of the benefits to belonging to a community like this, where we get to know each other's personalities and situations is that we do hold each other accountable for that healing. There is a very large difference between taking time to heal and wallowing. And I am NOT saying any of you are wallowing, I'm just making a point

It can be easy to slip back into feeling sorry for ourselves, it can be easy to make excuses ... at least it was for me. I found having this community holding me accountable for my OWN desired healing helped tremendously.

I can see the analogy Antonia. And I still think everyone is different. My personal perspective is much different, I was a victim of rape twice, once by a boyfriend who wouldn't take no as an answer and once by an acquaintence who roofied me in a bar. Neither were physically violent traumatic events but both made a lasting imprint on my views, attitudes, beliefs and desires when it came to sex.

My divorce has left emotional scars ... it was supposed to IMO. That what we get when wounds heal. We're left with reminders of the learning, the strength, the power to persevere ...

I intentionally run head first into challenges and push myself. I don't shy away from confrontation, including with myself. It's part of who I am ... a very natural part of my personality. Even my IC commented on how I approached my healing.

That being said, I don't judge others for handling it their way on their timeline ... I will challenge each and every one of you to continue to push yourselves ... to want more ... to never settle for less from anyone in your lives, including yourselves.

I'm really very honoured to belong to such a community

Peace
PEI