Wow, 25 - I feel like I should write you a check or something. Thanks for the keyboard therapy session - it really helps me think and put things in their proper place.
To answer some of your questions - I live in a community property state. As a result, property and debt that an individual bringsinto the marriage remain sole and separate in the course of its dissolution. A great number of the items she was asking for (including bed) belonged to me before we were married. That said, I was willing to negotiate outside of those parameters, but she immediately handed the situation to her L and that pretty much dried up any goodwill I had at the time.
I also could have exercised a bit more brevity in the "stop asking for things" text. I let some of my emptions seep through by accident and said too much. I am new to this - live and learn. I am discovering that my initial reaction to things is typically not the best course to take.
Regrading what specifically she has said, other than what I detailed in my 180s post - maybe it can be best summarized by saying she thought that everything had me my way all the time. That I was unwilling to compromise or accept ideas or suggestions that she brought to the table. That if I didn't think something was being done the way that I thought it should be done then I would object and/or get angry. She thought that nothing she did in my eyes was good enough or it went unnoticed. She believed that I was disconnected from the family and not engaged enough or affectionate enough. She said that we were not compatiable and had never been. Now, I don't agree with all of these things but I can admit that I DO see how she can feel that way and how I can come across that way. Her feelings are valid. I am just really struggling with the list of things above to find a way to 180 them effectively in a manner that would both benefit me as a person and get her attention. I know, her attention shouldn't matter.
You are correct in saying that I spend too much energy thinking about what she is doing and thinking. Believe it or not, it has gotten better over the weeks although it isn't "good" yet. A lot of that is still me just trying to process the hurt and understand why this is all happening and hell, I guess I just miss her. I think I am doing a lot to GAL. I have WAY stepped up the activities with my son when I have him - we have been a bunch of places together and have met up with friends, etc. - I have reconnected with some old friends that I lost touch with while I was married and we go out at times. I hosted a Christmas decorating party at my house last weekend. I've started hiking again (need to get back to the gym, too). When I don't have my son, I try to keep my dance card pretty full. This weekend I have my company Christmas party and a nice resort - one of my good friends from out of town is actually coming for it and we are going to just hang out and stay busy through the weekend. More along the "giving" spirit of things, I volunteered to participate in a clinical research study for a new drug. So I am trying, but I am sure there is plenty more that I need to do yet. I also find myself reading more and watching a lot less TV (complaint from W - 180?).
In terms of backing way off my W, I think I have. I honestly do not initiate any contact with her unless she initiates first (mostly via text) and I do my best to be as brief as possible and answer her questions. I figured she would need at LEAST 6 months to get to a point where she could talk to me as well.I agree that I should use this time to become the best father I can be, that is where my head is right now. I'm just trying to accept the fact that I will being doing it alone - which is OK, just need to adjust a bit. I see this phrase a lot "become a man only a fool would leave" - who IS that man? Is it different for every woman? Are there commonalities that these men share? I ask simply becuase I don't know and would like to move it that direction for my sake if nothing else.
Regarding custody - she has expressed two concerns that oppose one another. 1.) she doesn't want too many exchanges in a week. 2.) she doesn't want too many nights away. You LITERALLY can't have both - so I'm trapped to some degree. Also, at this stage of his life I think 50/50 IS best for our son - he needs both of us in his life wothout a doubt. I know being away from him hurts her, but it hurts me as well....I hate it when he is gone from me, I feel that pain down to my core. I haven't really boiled this issue down to who is right and who is wrong, 25. Rather, I am trying to focus on what is fair for both of us and best for our son. She has flat out declared that she "wants more than equal time" but was just trying to be amicable when she said otherwise in the past. My son is the bright spot in my life right now, and I don't want to lose him any more than this pending D my W is pursuing will force me to. It's a tough issue and I will be glad when it is resolved. It really comes back to bite me in the butt, too - because she can use this as proof that "everything always has to be your way!" - even though I have told her I want to compromise and meet in the middle. To her, and this has been a problem, "compromise" means she didn't get exactly what she wanted and I did (especially if I proposed the compromise).
It seems like the net-net of all of this is that you're telling me that I need to take a deep look into myself and try to find the flaws that drove my W away....and fix them. I am trying, believe me - it's just going to take time and the removal of some ego and blinders. I also hear you saying that I need to arrive at a place where I am happy with or without her. It's still a little fresh (the pain, that is) but I am trying to get there. It doesn't help that it is the holiday season, either.
I'll be honest and expresss something to you that I have not really mentioned in previous posts (since we are doing keyboard therapy and all). I am terrified that when I completely detach she will find someone else and that will close the door on my M forever. I feel that she has no connection with me that would distinguish me from any other random she would encounter. She has said repeatedly that she "doesn't want to date, doesn't want to remarry, doesn't want other men around our son". But can I believe that? Someone could come along and be the total antithesis of everything she disliked about me and sweep her right off her feet. THAT, 25, scares me. I know it shouldn't, and I know I should not focus on what she is doing or might do - but that one is a tuffy. The thought of her being with someone else really burns. I know....I need to get over it.
Thank you for your insight - it was great and I look forward to more. I have pretty broad shoulders for criticism (thank my parents) so you can be a blunt as you need to be....it really helps.
