I just reread a post from Telemark outlining the 37 rules of DB'ing. I think I need to read this everyday. I also reread the sage advice from 25yrs, 2TP, WHG, Mr Bond and others who have been so kind.
My W still lives with me so we have constant contact, and her and I do quite a lot together. All of the DB advice I have rec'd tells me to create distance at this time, go dim or dark, let her go, etc.; and it says that this will be extremely hard and very counterintuitive.
I have to admit it is so tough. I have made a vow to really DB full-time, and give my wife the time she needs, and from what I hear it can mean a lot of time.
I feel like I need a break from her too in that I need to GAL, learn to improve myself in terms of listening and communication. I have always had my own life - hobbies, passions, etc so the practiacl part of this is very easy. The subtle difference is that throughout my marriage I always had this emotional safety net of knowing that my W was part of whatever I did. I am adjusting to doing things myself and seeing myself differently than as a H/W team. I'm working on this.
I realize that over 90% of our comunication, and the things we do together are initiated by me. So, as I create the distance between us (which she needs according to her) and create a sense of mystery about me (DB wisdom) I am holding back on what I would otherwsie normally do. In addition, when I do things with my wife in this current situation, I really do not enjoy it at all. It feels so empty, and I imagine it cannot be fulfilling for her either. I hope the distance/detach between us helps.
For example, my W had mentioned to me that her company Xmas party was coming up and maybe its couples invited or not. She eventually told me that it was employees only. I said fine, have fun, and listened her talk fondly of the events planned for the party. She went last night by herself. This morning she told me the party was okay and that there were some very funny moments. She let it slip how she saw this other couple there that we both know. In other words, employees did bring others after all, I just wasn't invited by her. I'm hurt by that. I did not tell her that, did not inquire about when she got home, did not check on her, and engaged in her stories about her party in a friendly matter. I think I did well in this round of DB'ing. Also, a few minutes ago I almost texted her to ask how she is feeling at work today but refrained. I want her to really see what its like to be on her own away from me emotionally.
I had already asked her to go to my company party this Saturday night and she said she would go. At this point I feel it would cause more harm than good to uninvite her. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that I want to really do this DB'ing the right way. Given our current state of affairs I'm sure we will have fun (in a very surface way which we always do) but it won't be something we really share as H/W.
People tell me that I am fortunate my W still lives with me through this because it means she has not left me that way. I guess. I guess it gives her more chances to experience the growth in me I need to achieve, and for her to go through her psychiatric treatments. Sometimes, it can be very tough though, esp when she is on the phone with the OM at night. I guess it could be worse but I only know from experience this situation and do not know about separate residences.
What's tough about watching her go through her psychiatric sessions is that when she is with others - coworkers, OM, general public; she is outgoing, happy and carefree. When she is with me I see the dark side of what she is going through. And she has maintained a distance from her family, children and close friends so I believe she needs to be apart from anything that is a responsibility for her right now. I have to admit that when I see her happy with others, part of me winces inside because in my mind I am screaming "Hey, remember me and our M"?
I'm very nervous about Xmas day. This will be the fist one in our current sitch. What has been very difficult of late and will probaly be on Xmas is that she will be outgoing and affectionate to my sons and their girlfriends, all the while pointetly ignoring me in conversation, photos, etc. It's very difficult for all. What I have been doing is being above board, friendly, creating the best environment I can for all concerned. Inside however, it kills me! Hanging up the Xmas ornaments together as a family was pretty tough for me inside. I wanted to explode from the pain I felt, but was able to appear to calmly be a part of it.
Is it better to be separated while going through this, or should I thanks my lucky stars we still live together?
I really feel for all of you out there who have gone through this. I would love to know what its like to R someday!
