Morning Gunny. My IC says the same that I should talk things out and discuss the D and the process. But every time I tried it it back fired. So your IC is incorrect. Why would your WAW want to come back to a weak destroyed man? Besides she already knows how you feel if you do that she will push away again. Keep doing what it is working. Take it from me who is a C. Most of us are not trained in family couples therapy. Yes we do get the general training but usually is post graduate studies that does it and it is very intensive training. I know it is hard I backslide last week and got me no where. Hang in there buddy.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Gunny: I wrestle with this idea constantly. Am told to show the old, fun loving, confident AC. Let W know you are moving forward. I do fear that she will think that I think I am better off without her. My IC asked me if W asked me how I am doing when we talk, and the answer is mostly no. W is very self absorbed, and has been for quite a while. She does not contact me very often, so I have started to contact her occasionally with small care packages and texts...just to let her know someone out there cares for her. I know she is very isolated, so I want to touch base with her occasionally.
She did tell me last week that she finds talking to me to be a bit awkward due to the fact we are splitting. Told me she needed to find someone else to confide in besides me - a statement that cut pretty deep. W knows she is hurting me, which is why I think she does not want to contact me very much, but she really has no idea as to the extent.
I do think that having that conversation over the phone would be difficult. I have thought of composing a letter, but I am waiting for the right time, which I guess will be when it is firm she is never returning here, and that might be months away. Don't know when or if I will see her again.
Would I relocate? Absolutely, but wondering about such a possibility is a slippery slope that could drag both you and I down severly. JMHO
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Gunny... I wrestle with it too. I've taken a middle of the road approach I guess. I don't whimper or plead anymore, but when we do talk about the d I am honest about my feelings. Just last week we had a d convo. I became a little choked up and w said she knows this hurts. But I didn't want her to think it was losing her that was causing the pain, because it really wasn't and I didn't want her to think I was trying to make her feel guilty. So I simply told her that the emotion was coming from knowing how this will hurt the kids and from feelings of rejection which are perfectly normal and I'm not wrong for having them.
I don't go down the road about why, or how I don't want this... She knows that already, why go over it again? But I also let her lead. I don't bring up the d issues, I let her do it. I am open and business like when we discuss it.
Now... If your w was to ask how you are doing I think you're free to tell her. Again though it's not pleading or guilting... Just how are you doing? You're sad and working through it. You're confused and working on answers. Hopefully the answers are consistent with someone who is processing a tragedy and moving on to the next phase in his life, because that's what you should be doing. That phase may be self-improvement while waiting to see if your w will recon, but it's still moving on. Or that phase may be swearing woman off for the next x years. Or it may be working to find a new partner... Whatever it is, it's your phase and you're moving towards it.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Gunny, I read several threads here each week day. I do not have a direct constructive comment for you. Weigh carefully the cost/benefit of this type of contact. You know your W and sitch better than anyone else. If you have a discussion with your coach I would bring this up.
The level of animosity STBX projects toward me when we have contact does not lend itself to amiable discussions. The contact we have is indirect, sometimes through family and what I post to FB. She is still running. I believe any contact I have will be perceived as pursuit or worse an attempt to manipulate or control her.
Semper Fidelis
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
That is a really hard one to answer. It could swing either way. I wish my W would ask me that question, but I don't even know what I would say in that situation. I guess something like "I am working on becoming the best father and best person I can be. I can only hope that someday I can show you that man I am now."
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Yes, I read part of it. It was interesting. I hope to be able to go back to it at some point.
Originally Posted By: gunny
How are things with you JB, my w said the temps are supposed to plummet out there soon!
I think they already have. It's been raining a lot with a little snow mixed in this moning. It's in the mid 30s right now. I think the sun is supposed to come out for the rest of the week, though.
I think my W has seemed eager to move back closer to where she grew up. I am not sure exactly why - for me I have no strong desire to move back to where I grew up. It seems as though she has been trying to get the approval from her parents she didn't receive in her childhood.
I think it's OK to admit the situation is hard for you, as long as you're able to do it in a way that's not desperate, needy, or manipulative. There's no reason to outright lie about it. Show how strong you are in the face of the adversity. Stay upbeat in a way that permeates your soul, so it will just be natural to you. Focus on the things you're doing for yourself to become your best possible self.
