DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

journaling...
ive been thinking alot on the Co dependancy thing...i got a free sample of the book co dependant no more and read it and an hopeing i can actually go buy the book this weekend, i havent really had the money. what i did read hit a nerve so really want to get a copy soon.

I spend a lot of time wondering how I got to this place at my age...how did I not see the signs that were so obviouse that there were seriouse problems that should have been dealt with and ignored them? and if they were so seriouse and obviouse, why did i go so long before realizing it???
I guess it was easier for me to blame it all on his drinking and not look at the fact that I also had changes to make. and to have it put in my face the way it is now is well, both painfull and embarrassing ......25 has brought up my pride quite a few times, and I know that it has a big part in this. kinda makes you stop and think when your H picks OW over family with no regret or remorse.

Im still working on GALing and 180s, but have a hard time with that as well...in our marriage I was the one always with the "upper hand" as they would say. I was cold and distant due to his drinking and H would always bring flowers cards etc to try and "fix" things but never stopped drinking so I would ignore his efforts. When I left he was the pursueer big time and it has always been that way...until I realized he was seriouse about the D, then I became the pursuer for the first time in our relationship. so a 180 for me would be to pursue and do things like he did, flowers cards show effection etc...but that would not work according to DB. sometimes i feel like I should try baby steps in that direction but then realize that is not what he wants at this point, not as long as OW is in the picture.

I have found cards and notes he had been leaving me through out our seperation in the last few weeks and to be honest I was shocked to read them, some I didnt even remember getting because i would barely look at them. Its humiliating to read them now and know that I could have responded at least to see what was to them, but i was in the old mind set of "yeah right...heard that before.." I need to work on why it is that for 2 years he tried and I wasnt interested and now I am.....of course the obviouse is I love my husband but then why did i not respond??????? am i just affraid to be alone?..because honestly, im not a horrible person to be around, im pretty fun and I keep in good shape and am pretty active so I dont think I would be alone the rest of my life (i dont mean to sound full of myself, at all!!) but a comment my H said to me a few yrs back always sticks in my head.
You may be good looking but as soon as a guy got to know you he would run....that hurt....

so much to think about, none of it nice....
does life ever just get back to normal????? Im so tired of hurting, I miss laughing...need to find something to laugh about!!!!!