Never thought I'd be here........

[25yearsmlc]

I will only say ONE Thing about your custody arrangement
and how "FAIR" it all is. Not b/c I think you are wrong, per se. And I know others won't agree with me, but here it is...


As a mother, I have to say that When our son was that age, there was NO way I'd be away from him that many nights in a row. I would rather have switched homes w/my h, alternated nights somehow, or slept in a van by the river, rather than being apart for that long.

It's just too long to be away from the mother,(I admit I'm being sexist but she was a SAHM til recently, so yes, I think moms that have been at home with their only child tend to have bonded more) but to be fair,

I suppose it's too long for you too.

So split.... differently. Not such long stretches away...enough about the 50/50. It's not a tangible; it's your son. What is best for HIM?

How do you maneuver your way through a custody disagreement and remain "friendly"? It got tense today, heard from her lawyer with her proposal that would basically give me about four or five fewer days each month. This is opposed to mine that divides the time in half.

Her initial rejection of my proposal was that it had too many exchanges in one week. Then I built a table in Excel that showed that her proposal and mine had the EXACT same number of exchanges. Once that objection was overcome, she moved on to "that would be six nights away and I absolutely will not do that!". So I brought to her attention that it was actually FIVE nights away and that BOTH of us had that so it was perfectly equal. She never responded.

I hear her. And I hear the seething resentment growing in her too. Tough situation. Consult a child shrink perhaps?

I feel like she will oppose my proposal no matter what. The sad part is, now this is all flowing through lawyers so it is costing what? $400 and hour on each side to settle on something that is just math?


it's NOT just math, obviously. Crimson, that statement is alarming to me. Is it the type of thing you'd say to her in the past? Do you now see how sterile and competitive it sounds? This is not about being "right"...but about being happy, having your family together, being a gracious man in adversity. NOT a doormat, but not a petulant boy keeping score of marbles...

This D was her decision, I fought it and continue to do so quietly through DBing. So whether I like it or not, I am having a MINIMUM of 50% of my time stripped away from me against my will if she insists on seeing this thing through to the end. I am not giving up more than that.

she's losing more than that, in terms of time with him. She WAS home with him more than 50% of the time, which she AND HE were both used to...don't forget there are two sides to things, and if you cannot ever see hers, or if you believe you are always right, then there isn't a lot of hope for you to turn things around.

Put it this way, you want to be wrong sometimes. Why? B/C Then it empowers you to change something!

If you really are being a perfect h, and your w leaves anyhow, then you're screwed b/c you cannot improve perfection. Make sense?



It seems she does not want to be fair or rational. I have not been rude, angry or insulting during this skirmish. I have just stuck to facts and have learned to not express my emotions in e-mail or text, and we certainly are not on the phone with each other.

How do i keep her from getting even angrier at me without backing down on this issue?

pick your battles wisely. Stay calm. Do not say she's being irrational. I don't actually see it that way myself anyhow.

I think she believes: YOU are to blame for her living in relative squalor, along with son for those nights,

YOU are to blame for her decreased time with him and now, finally YOU are suddenly doing things with him that she hoped to do while you were married while SHE worked on the m and you refused to and were a wet blanket sucking out her will to live...and now you want a prize for being "father of the year"...

Crimson

for a guy who spends so much time wondering about what she is thinking

you really don't get her perspective much. Try to. Not b/c she's right or you are wrong, but b/c neither of you has a fully objective lens with which you view the world. None of us does. We all color our views and memories.

but here, You just end up convincing yourself you are right and I don't see how it helps...are you "right"?

Does that matter?

Not so much. Why? B/C IMO,

What matters is how you are growing and changing so that she can believe marriage to you can improve.


So, What's up with all that?