Beginning now...

[irishblessings]

I was driving to work today and heard a new Melissa Ethridge's Christmas song. Brought tears to my eyes. Just a song of loss - and that's what I'm feeling.

I realized that I am pretty close to bottoming out. Just profoundly sad and empty at the loss of my marriage. No other way to say it.

My oldest d called today. She was sad - said that her dad had called her last night and invited her to a "family" weekend this coming weekend. She said "well we have a game Friday and fiance and I have to work youth leagues on Saturday and Sunday. And we are trying to spend as much time with fiance's father as possible (he has advanced pancreatic cancer).

XH says - "oh, what's wrong with him?" D says - "He has pancreatic cancer" / XH says "oh - is he getting chemo or anything?" D says - "Dad, he has been fighting this for a couple of years now - " D so upset that her dad is so out of touch.

Middle D - "Dad hasn't come to one of my games in over 2 years" (she's a collegiate dancer)

Son - "There's no way I am hanging out with OW"....

I want to erase this pain. I want to have enough time, money, self-confidence, joy to offset the pain. But I have to go through - not around this and I absolutely HATE this.

I want to find someone to share my life with - I want to find joy in my life. My boss just got fired tonight. This will be my 5th boss to work for in the last 9 years. I really NEED for better things to happen.