@ JS - You really get used to the hours. The hard part is doing a 7a-7p.. then the next day be a 7p-7a.
Rest won't likely happen as I'm on a tv show up until I leave for the holidays.
Journal - I'm glad to be super busy as I have been down the last 48 hrs in regards to the holidays. I am teetering between being extremely sad and kinda pissed off.
Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It stems from my mother. She's the type that watches Christmas movies in July.
There is alot of tradition.
There is a part of me that wants to barrel through it. To decorate my house, buy a tree, listen and play Christmas music. To not give my w and my sitch so much power.....
.... but the truth is... that I cry when I try to do something Christmas-ish.. other than the party... which btw - so far, 15 kids will get Christmas gifts! - Booyah!
We will most likely finish up the car situation this week. Part of me will be glad that this will be over. Part of me is sad that it will be done.
I realize we never know what the future holds but I feel like what I want can't happen. It would be a miracle.
I know I had my mistakes but my w always knew that I loved her. She's always said how funny and proud of me she was.. how she couldn't imagine me not being in her life.
Well.. she seems to be doing just fine.. and even if not, she won't make a move. I'm standing still and she stills moves away.
It's not like I'm being nice to get her back.. I'm just kinda upset that she acknowledges it but still moves the opposite direction.
I find myself getting angry. Angry at my w for making this Christmas so hard, and angry at myself for still having hope.
I want to let go and I work towards it, but detaching is so hard. I don't really know how to shut that part of my emotions off.
I live my life and I enjoy it.. but I still deeply love my wife. Sometimes I fear that I'll never get over her. That I'll be settling for the rest of my life.
It's not so much that I'm impatient or am eager to find someone else.. I just am very fearful that I will "wait" for too long..
It's like if I get this D, then it's done and I can squash all that hope that still haunts me.
Maybe that's me just trying to run from my feelings because things are really hard right now.
I'm sure I'm mad because I was detaching much easier when she was being mean to me..
Like everything other time, I just need to rest in my faith. Feel my emotions and know that if anything I have learned in the past 8 months.. that doing these things have only benefited me.. and in some cases my interactions with w.
Urgh.. super emotional today guys and the stinkin thinkin is really hard to fight off.
Sorry for the negative rant.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
