DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

I understand what your saying Mish..but how do I do that and "go dark"??? I have a hard time understanding this whole going dark thing...its no contact at all unless emer. about kids...but at what point to you stop?? just because he noticed Im not talking to him doesnt seem reason enough to stop...I would like to at least hear him aknowledge that fact that he made some terrible choices and continues to make them...and I dont see that happening. My point in going dark was to put an end to our relationship as it is now and hopefully build a new one...but I was thinking he needed to get over his anger toward me before that could ever happen. I agree that what the C touched on def has some meaning...i hadnt thought of it that way until she said it...and you could tell it had an impact, the room went silent after she said it. What IS he trying to accomplish by hurting me? and why does he care? he has stated several time that he is happier then hes ever been. so why bother trying to get a reaction out of me????? and how do you co parent with a person who doesn not have the same moral values as you do?? and who is basically a stranger to you now? Im struggling with that...he is lieing and sneaking around and im supose to parent with him????
so im leaning toward continueing what i am doing until there is a major break threw, what ever that is....
help...im really confused?????

[Abbey]

You can do "dim" or quite dim. I did it with H by allowing him to ONLY phone and email. No visits, no hugs, no midnight rendezvous's, nothing physical.

You're expecting an apology and acknowledgements about his alien brain. You're not going to get that .. not yet.

Be pleasant, (as per what the C seems to trying to drive towards) and as Mish states, the minute the convo goes south, don't react, just disengage and say you'll have to pick up the convo later. Do not REACT to his nonsense. He has NO clue why he's doing it really, nor that he's really doing it at the time. Nagging him about it, needing him to acknowledge is a fruitless tunnel.

You want him to grow his brain. That comes at his own time frame. No matter how much good interaction you may get... don't expect anything until they're darn good and ready.

It's like training a puppy at this stage. You have to train them to treat you properly. Incidentally, even upon reconciliation, you'll find there are times where he'll speak to you, and you'll KNOW it's not you he's speaking *at*. I had to retrain things he'd say to me, (he and the OW were very snarky with one another.)... I simply had to say, hey, not nice, don't speak to me like that please. No excuses, no further discussion. It's a process. A long, long, long... bloody process and it doesn't end the day the clouds start to clear. It's only the beginning.

Abbey

[mishka422]

Exactly Abby. That is what I was suggesting. Dim. Dim is not to get him to change his actions or way of speaking, it is for you. You still need to co-parent. Co-parenting is not emergencies only. It's interaction on every level required to make sure your S14 is supported. Going completely dark is nearly impossible and unrealistic when children are involved.

[keep_going]

ITM,

I feel for you. I also have to co-parent with my H, who 's behavior is as erratic and sometimes cruel as I never thought possible. He loves our kids and when he is with us, he seems like he genuinly misses them. But when it's not his scheduled day to visit, he doesn't even call them.

My kids are so young and they ask about H all the time. They are struggling big time and my H thinks I lie when I tell him they do, because "they are fine" when they are with him. (Of course they are fine with him - he is the one they miss, duh!). H thinks I tell him that just to make him feel guilty. So I have chosen not to tell him. His guilt is so great, that he prefers to detach from them than accept the hurt he inflicts with his absence. His choice...

What can I do about it? I could get angry (I used to all the time, but doing better about it). Or I can focus on how I can make my kids happy. I spend time with them, make sure we have fun, I am very affectionate and always verbalize how much I love them. When I kiss them goodnight, I remind them that I love them, that H loves them and that God loves them. The last thing I need is for them to feel guilty about our problems...

Hang in there - our children are the innocent victims of all of this and it's better to swallow our pride, control our anger and try to co-parent - FOR THE SAKE OF OUR KIDS... They didn't ask for this and neither did we. But we are adults and can process our emotions and deal with the hurt. Our kids simply don't know how - they are just that, kids...
(((( hugs)))))

[imthemom]

how do you guys get those boxs with quotes from people in your post???????

[Abbey]

There are buttons on the bottom of each post: ...reply/quote/quick reply/quick quote/notify.

When you're in someone's post... hit quote for that post and the website will do the rest.

Abbey

[imthemom]

[quote=mishka422]

Honestly, the only thing you can do is step away, stop interacting with him except in case of extreme emergency regarding your child, and pretend he doesn't exist. [/quote


thanks abby...
I dont mean to call you out Mish...LOL...
but this is why im confused...this is what ive been doing, no contact except extreme emerg. regarding S14 but now you guys say thats not right if you have kids...i would love to have contact with him when I need to regarding S14 but when i do he responds like he doesnt really want to know, if he responds at all...like the other night when i told him about his activity on his fb page...all i got was a "that sounds good"..no questions about what happened or any interest at all..
i feel like the going dark is helping me as well as getting hi to realize that maybe he does want contact with me?????
i totally value yours and others input so please help me understand..

[imthemom]

journaling...
ive been thinking alot on the Co dependancy thing...i got a free sample of the book co dependant no more and read it and an hopeing i can actually go buy the book this weekend, i havent really had the money. what i did read hit a nerve so really want to get a copy soon.

I spend a lot of time wondering how I got to this place at my age...how did I not see the signs that were so obviouse that there were seriouse problems that should have been dealt with and ignored them? and if they were so seriouse and obviouse, why did i go so long before realizing it???
I guess it was easier for me to blame it all on his drinking and not look at the fact that I also had changes to make. and to have it put in my face the way it is now is well, both painfull and embarrassing ......25 has brought up my pride quite a few times, and I know that it has a big part in this. kinda makes you stop and think when your H picks OW over family with no regret or remorse.

Im still working on GALing and 180s, but have a hard time with that as well...in our marriage I was the one always with the "upper hand" as they would say. I was cold and distant due to his drinking and H would always bring flowers cards etc to try and "fix" things but never stopped drinking so I would ignore his efforts. When I left he was the pursueer big time and it has always been that way...until I realized he was seriouse about the D, then I became the pursuer for the first time in our relationship. so a 180 for me would be to pursue and do things like he did, flowers cards show effection etc...but that would not work according to DB. sometimes i feel like I should try baby steps in that direction but then realize that is not what he wants at this point, not as long as OW is in the picture.

I have found cards and notes he had been leaving me through out our seperation in the last few weeks and to be honest I was shocked to read them, some I didnt even remember getting because i would barely look at them. Its humiliating to read them now and know that I could have responded at least to see what was to them, but i was in the old mind set of "yeah right...heard that before.." I need to work on why it is that for 2 years he tried and I wasnt interested and now I am.....of course the obviouse is I love my husband but then why did i not respond??????? am i just affraid to be alone?..because honestly, im not a horrible person to be around, im pretty fun and I keep in good shape and am pretty active so I dont think I would be alone the rest of my life (i dont mean to sound full of myself, at all!!) but a comment my H said to me a few yrs back always sticks in my head.
You may be good looking but as soon as a guy got to know you he would run....that hurt....

so much to think about, none of it nice....
does life ever just get back to normal????? Im so tired of hurting, I miss laughing...need to find something to laugh about!!!!!

[Abbey]

I wish I could say it just slides back into normal easily. It doesn't. I think we become an accumulation of our experiences. This thing we're "in" changes us. It's left lines on my face that weren't there before. It's like I have this strange frown on my face that was never there before.

Part of our change also comes from realizing what our mistakes were, we'll own them. The WAS, ... maybe not so much. At least not at first.

It's easy too, to say, don't replay the hurts they inflict on us in our heads. BUT... we do. One of mine for example,... was me "chasing" pre-DB and touching his hand in a way that we had done for some 20 year before. His comment: That does nothing for me. Even now, I haven't been able to touch him like that. That comment is stuck in my head.

It was in the last 2 or 3 days, has he begun to touch my hand in that manner. (it's a tickle, touch thing.) I actually felt myself pull my hand away, in fear.

Your H's comment is and was a space in time. It doesn't define you, nor should it. But to shake it, that's a whole other thing completely. *hugs*

Funny thing is, the comment your husband said,... was to convince himself, not you. It will be a rather big smack, for him to realize that you can be with someone else. Can attract someone healthy and not hurtful.

Abbey

[mishka422]

Honestly, the only thing you can do is step away, stop interacting with him except in case of extreme emergency regarding your child, and pretend he doesn't exist.

Was said on 1DEC....before the coparenting session where the C called him out on how immature his actions are and you jointly decided to co-parent.

Now that you have had that discussion, you have to follow through with it and that requires communication. That is DIM communication, not R type communication. Clear as mud right?

You will have to decide when it's important to involve your H and when it is something you can just handle on your own without any input from him.

Example - You contacted him about S14's FB page. You definitely should have. His response to it was completely inappropriate for the severity of the problem though and I think you need to bring that up for further discussion with C. That was appropriate contact though.

now.....

Don't contact him regarding the daily discipline issues. Here's an example for you from my own experience.

My son was with his dad when xh was living with ow for a weekend. She had a son who was 6 years younger than ours so it was never a good situation between the kids anyway. They had both kids at the same time one weekend and Marc got tired of her son's constant whining and pestering so he shoved him. The kid fell backward and smacked his head up against a dresser. No broken skin, just lots of crying and more whining and a small knot on his head. No, not an appropriate reaction by my son but with his Aspberger's he doesn't react well to others in his space in general let alone some young snot up in his face all the time. His dad decided to call me and proceed to tell me all about the incident, tell me I needed to come and 'pick up your son' because he can't be around her son. My response to that? I told him he could handle small discipline issues when OUR son was with him just like I did when he was with me and if he couldn't handle that then he didn't need any visitation at all. He put our son in the middle of this situation and he had to learn to settle their differences because this would be happening for years to come.

You see, this was only one small incident, nothing that could lead to a long term issue as long as it was nipped in the bud. He tried to put it all back on me because he wanted to appease his gf and give in to her and her whiny kid.

It's a balancing act but take your time with it. You have plenty of it!