Doing the "Friends" Route Pt 2...

[Abbey]

Ya know, I'm sitting here thinking about the capacity that my H has to lie. It's something he does when he wants something... and it seems he really doesn't know (or want to know) any other way to proceed.

The whole thing is so tiresome.

Abbey

[Walking]

FWIW... the cougar comment comes from me losing in excess of 90 pounds and his comments about my appearance (I have new hair color, completely different cut from anything I've ever worn before, wear different style clothes, etc etc etc.) He's tested the waters about me being hit on by other men and other like minded comments about seeing if I'd go that route. I stay coy. Don't always say where I'm going, leaving some mystery etc. (All DB stuff.)

Cat references are also a big in this house because of some of the critters we own.

Walking, your post annoys me. It seems you're quite willing to judge how I'm handling this, without fully understanding my sitch, or the past history, or my own indecision about this. I don't know if I'll ever want this man back after this latest mess. If leaving the door opened an inch and having topical conversations about the future (after he's initiated them) is manipulative,... well then I don't know what to say.

As for winning or losing. Seriously... I WANT H to go full bore into this relationship with the OW. She's a narcissistic wacko. It's only when he has to deal with her FULL ON, and with me OUT of the picture, will the true picture of the mess he's made come into focus. Manipulative? I don't think so. He needs a big dose of reality, (like last time)... but this time, I won't be so interested in just jumping back in with both feet. More DB. So... what's the problem?

Hi Abbey

I’m sorry my response stung you. It was a zinger.

Jack3beans has a nice analogy. If someone says “You are fat” and you are not fat, it doesn’t touch you – you shrug it off knowing it’s not true. But if you are fat …. It stings ….The stings are often where we have to dig to find our own solutions.

I’m not judging you Abbey. Heck, I’ve been you. I’m repeating back to you what you’ve said – but putting a different spin on it. I’m asking you it to look at it from your perspective – rather than his.

Abbey, I did go back and read your old posts from 2008. That was why I was so straight. Your posts now sound almost exactly the same in tone and anxiety as your posts then.

You are still making the same excuses about why DBing won’t work for you and you have to spice it up with other “strategies”. DBing isn’t about “strategy”, it’s about finding the strong shining core of yourself, understanding who the authentic you is and what your boundaries are. It’s about detaching from the drama and knowing you’ll be OK no matter what the outcome of your relationship.

Who is Abbey? What does Abbey want? If your H died tomorrow, who would you be in 12 months? Let him spin like a tornado in his own drama and step out of it. Sure, be a soft and loving place to land, but detach from his problems and take responsibility for yours.

He’s not in shape to be a healthy partner right now Abbey.

I really recommend you read Co-dependent no More, by Melodie Beattie. You should also go and have a read over at the MLC board.


Blessings, V

[Abbey]

I will read it. Funny though that your assessment is so different from those who saw me then, to those who see me know. Night and Day. Water and fire.

My excuses for my H are with the understanding of what happens when certain types of personalities collide. I've done so much research on those types interactions, that it's hard to be vengeful or other negative because I *understand* what can drive the insanity.

Does that mean I'm not taking care of me? Nope. A boundary that needed slam dunking on him was just what the doctor ordered last night. He survived. Still hasn't got his brain on straight, but *shrug*. It establishes my safe zone. Until I have to establish again, and again (which I will). What I know is that I still need to get this shack sold before getting onward. (This price range doesn't sell overnight and 25 years of experience in this field knows that I have to have a patient exit strategy in order to survive this insanity.)

His MLC is all part and parcel of the same crap that happened in 2008. He's in amoured of his child, and is projecting that to the baby mama. It happens.

Me, I still have no idea if I want this after it's said and done.

cheers
Abbey

[kml]

So - I get that you need to sell the house. But what's stopping you from booting him out to live on a friend's couch or cheap rented room? Wouldn't that be cheaper in the long run than all this aggravation? Check with an attorney, but it seems pretty likely that he'd still have to contribute something to the house maintenance meantime until it sold.

Even if it drives him to stay with OW - wouldn't that hasten their demise, as you've so often said?

[Abbey]

One word. Money. I'm not using all my savings to pay for this house alone. This mess has cost me enough. I'll be very blunt with this. Finances isn't somewhere I need "advice", trust me. The world I work in, the biz I'm in deals with this day in, day out. Short term pain for long term gain. Kicking him out right now, would give him a financial gain.

Honestly, let me ask a simple question: Why should I kick someone out where it's financially more beneficial to ME, to stay? Why too would I kick someone out who I know is still in the early stages of nuttiness,... shouldn't pulling the plug be done when it has the most umph?

Abbey

[Abbey]

Btw,... he tells me today... he said to OW, why she wouldn't live with her H. He does it to tick her off. My comment, buy me out, and you can move the whole Jerry Springer show in here.

Gotta keep your sense of humor

Abbey

[Abbey]

You laid an important boundary, enforced it, and he responded positively. Lesson learned.

Well done!


Starsky

I feel really good about that boundary too. Especially since it was such a left field alien request.

When we see just how selfish and in their own head they are,... I guess their actions and requests etc, almost take on a surreal existence. *smile*

I suspect that it won't be the last time I have to draw that line in the sand. Lord give me strength.

Abbey

[Abbey]

I'm quite baffled still about what the attraction is to someone who he seems intent on fighting with, causes strife with, intentionally tries to p off? I mean seriously.

Their interactions are so adolescent. They do it to each other, one upmanship, snarky jabs etc.

Her actions are predictable (and freaky that he can't see it). She tells him she'll be somewhere, or will be arriving at a certain time, and has NO intention of being there at that time. It's a control thing. Much in the same way that people who deliberately show up late are trying to control others.

He said he would pick up daughter to do something. Her comment again: I'll get off early, and meet you there. She's trying to keep him off center so he won't bring daughter near someone she CAN'T control or manipulate.

I know he'll see through it eventually,... as he did last time, but it's quite... strange... to watch someone be that willfully blind.

[Starsky309]

Abbey,

You are still WAY too focused on OW, and what SHE is doing, and on what the two of them are doing.

Where are the posts about ABBEY?


Starsky

[Abbey]

Update, she actually blew off work in order for get H to go shopping with her and daughter. One way to keep daughter away from my house.

To H's credit, he called and let me know that he won't be bringing daughter here. (I would have to put Christmas gifts away etc).

He's MAD about something though... not a happy boy about something she just told him. Has to do with her H spending time with daughter, whilst my H could have her for an entire evening. He's not a happy boy. Just phoned me to complain about it.

Earlier in the day, he said he wanted to have daughter here so she could see her "new bedroom". He wants her to meet the "critters".

Spin cycle continues. At least though he's confiding in me again. Guess my "invasion" is pretty much a gone issue

As for Me and GAL, I just finished my second course of updates for a project I volunteered to do for a community organization. It's been a while since I've done a planning project,... I'm having fun with it.

Still think it's totally freaky to watch someone be willfully blind one minute and want to throttle that same person the next. Sheesh.

Abbey