A Bklyn tale

[BklynMom]

KG - you support means so much, I can see the parallels in our stories. It seems like we traded mind frames though because I am sliding into a bad space. Today I would get a poor on my report card for attitude.

Thanks PEI - I totally know I went crazy in my head. Totally crazy! My D3 didnt hear any of that, she didnt really realize she hadnt been invited and forgot about the whole thing in 2 seconds. But I find myself starting to let these little things bring out big emotions.

Its been harder for me since my H started with the more interaction. I am acting happy on the phone with him but this faking it gets to me. We spoke today for a few minutes regarding my D3 starting speech therapy and I feel like he treats me like a work colleague. He is not cold just remote, just not loving. He's not mad at me, "it just cant work out". "Its over, I'm done" He said these thing a few months ago not today, but each time I hear the tone of his voice I know in my heart he still believes those words. I can hear that he doesnt feel a connection to me.

I have lingering feelings that there is another woman and that is why I will not see any major change in his attitude. I could work through an A but if it is a secret still there is no way to work through it. He has said all the lines that MWD warns are signs of a secret affair.

I am also freaked out that he is coming back to Brooklyn in a 2 weeks and the reality of being seperated is setting in, I have been able to kind of pretend that he is just working in Atlanta and when the job is over he would come back. It is clear that he is not coming back to our house in two weeks (if ever).

It is clear that I am going to get a Christmas Tree by myself. It is clear that our girls will wake up Christmas morning and Daddy will not be here.

I know I should not say this but this is worse then death. With death its final and you know you have to move on, but here there is a lingering hope. Sometimes that lingering hope just feels like a fantasy.

Thanks for letting me rant. Luckily I have only been back sliding only on this board and in my mind - I am still acting as if with my H and staying busy GALing and taking care of my angels.

I dont say it enough but this board is a lifesaver. Reading other peoples threads and knowing I am not alone is a miracle of the internet. Seeing hope in others stories when a few days ago there felt like no hope inspires me when I am down.