FWIW... the cougar comment comes from me losing in excess of 90 pounds and his comments about my appearance (I have new hair color, completely different cut from anything I've ever worn before, wear different style clothes, etc etc etc.) He's tested the waters about me being hit on by other men and other like minded comments about seeing if I'd go that route. I stay coy. Don't always say where I'm going, leaving some mystery etc. (All DB stuff.)
Cat references are also a big in this house because of some of the critters we own.
Walking, your post annoys me. It seems you're quite willing to judge how I'm handling this, without fully understanding my sitch, or the past history, or my own indecision about this. I don't know if I'll ever want this man back after this latest mess. If leaving the door opened an inch and having topical conversations about the future (after he's initiated them) is manipulative,... well then I don't know what to say.
As for winning or losing. Seriously... I WANT H to go full bore into this relationship with the OW. She's a narcissistic wacko. It's only when he has to deal with her FULL ON, and with me OUT of the picture, will the true picture of the mess he's made come into focus. Manipulative? I don't think so. He needs a big dose of reality, (like last time)... but this time, I won't be so interested in just jumping back in with both feet. More DB. So... what's the problem?
Hi Abbey
I’m sorry my response stung you. It was a zinger.
Jack3beans has a nice analogy. If someone says “You are fat” and you are not fat, it doesn’t touch you – you shrug it off knowing it’s not true. But if you are fat …. It stings ….The stings are often where we have to dig to find our own solutions.
I’m not judging you Abbey. Heck, I’ve been you. I’m repeating back to you what you’ve said – but putting a different spin on it. I’m asking you it to look at it from your perspective – rather than his.
Abbey, I did go back and read your old posts from 2008. That was why I was so straight. Your posts now sound almost exactly the same in tone and anxiety as your posts then.
You are still making the same excuses about why DBing won’t work for you and you have to spice it up with other “strategies”. DBing isn’t about “strategy”, it’s about finding the strong shining core of yourself, understanding who the authentic you is and what your boundaries are. It’s about detaching from the drama and knowing you’ll be OK no matter what the outcome of your relationship.
Who is Abbey? What does Abbey want? If your H died tomorrow, who would you be in 12 months? Let him spin like a tornado in his own drama and step out of it. Sure, be a soft and loving place to land, but detach from his problems and take responsibility for yours.
He’s not in shape to be a healthy partner right now Abbey.
I really recommend you read Co-dependent no More, by Melodie Beattie. You should also go and have a read over at the MLC board.
Blessings, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
