TIMES THAT TRY MENS SOULS

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Hang in there, my friend. It ain't over till its over. Who knows if the job will work out, who knows how her thoughts will evolve with time...nothing is for certain. Today marks 4 months since my W moved across the country, and, while I am pragmatic enough to recognize the chance of her returning is very, very low....I will keep giving her emotional support until whatever transition she is going through ends up wherever it ends up. You do the same. Stay on the high road, don't lose faith in yourself or who you are. The road is long, and it ain't about to end any time soon. Be strong.

[2thepoint]

Hey Gunny! I know this new milestone with your W has you feeling a little down. But, maybe it would help if you look at this from a different perspective. Your W has now found a job and so she she must be feeling much more confident than perhaps she has in the past. I think this may actually be a positive. She's now in a better frame of mind and may potentially be open to your 180's and other changes that help her to warm toward you.

You talk about this being another nail in the coffin. Maybe it is, or maybe it isn't. But why hand her the nail and the hammer and then pound it in for her? Let things play out in their own time.

I don't recall but would it ever be a possibility for you to move to where your W is currently living? Maybe, that is something worthy of consideration.

In my situation, my W comes form the east coast and I know that she would move back home in a heartbeat if the opportunity were to present itself. Now I really have no desire to move back east. In fact, I'd rather move to the west coast if given a choice. BUT, if my W said that we could R and if I truly believed that it would work, I'd move east for her. She sacrificed and moved for me on 3 different occasions, so if I told her I'd move for her, that would be HUGE in her mind!

Just something to think about, Gunny.

But, remember if you are serious about DB'ing, then don't help her move closer to the D and don't cement decisions in her mind.

Make sense?

[Rick1963]

Hi Gunny. If she dislikes you sooooo much why does she need to share the good news with you? Most people hate their jobs after a couple of months or a rough meeting with the boss. Right now she is in a fantasy world but that will change soon. Keep doing for you I know how hard that is but you have no choice. At least she shares good news with you. My W does not talk to me period. Hang in there buddy.

PS: the rain outside does not help either.

[jbnati]

I tried real hard to sound upbeat and exited for her, think I did a pretty good job.

gunny, I know this is hard, man. I just did the same thing last week, and I was still ticked at my W on top of that.

I'm sure she is going to be covered, and that I will be hearing from her soon about coming off my benefits. Then, there will be no reason for us to stay married, I guess the next step will be to file for D.

I am not writing you off yet. Like IS said, you don't know where she's really at emotionally. She may end up starting her job, and then not liking it, and changing jobs again. She may do this more than once. Just another possibility. That would kind of go with the WAW mindset. When something's not what you thought it would be, just cut and run. There's a multitude of things that can still happen. Besides, do you really want her to stay M'd to you only for the health benefits?

I guess her family is in the area still where she grew up?

[gunny]

Hi Jb,
Thanks for your post. Good points. Yes, she is currently living with her sister not far from the house they grew up in, and where they were both abused by their stepfather(my IC immediately picked up on this as being one of the big reasons for her running away back there, she may need to deal with past ghosts)

The health benefits at this point are really just a connection between us.I would not want them to be the only reason she stayed connected, in fact, i believe that the faster she is able to come off my benefits and go on her own, the better she will feel, because I feel being able to prove to themselves that they can make it on their own is part of the reason WAWS leave. Since many times they feel they have lost themselves in the marriage, they can now assert their independence.

How are things with you JB, my w said the temps are supposed to plummet out there soon!

[gunny]

Morning Rick,
I did think about your point. Initially, while I was happy she found the job, I felt a tinge of saddness that she had taken yet another step to cement herself in OHIO. But, upon some reflection, I at least felt better that she had thought to call me to tell me, at least she still values me enough to tell me things. Thanks for your positive perspective.

I will check on your sitch later today, hope you are well,
Gunny

[gunny]

Hello AC,
Thanks for your kind words. 4 Months, wow, I am on 7 weeks. I remember reading one of your posts where your w was gone 7 weeks, and you were saying that at the 7 week mark it was actually getting a little harder. Ive had other people I know who have gone through this who told me that at around 3 months things start to ease up, but having the holidays coming up can definately exert an artificial strain on the healing process.

I think one of the things that may have made things a little tougher for you was that your w came back for a visit, which may have put you in reset mode.

AC, as always, I admire your philosphy, I still say it will be greatly appreciated by your s no matter what the outcome of your sitch.

Would you ever consider relocating if she wanted to work things out?

[gunny]

hello 2,
As always, your points are well taken. I had actually thought about how much better finding employment will make my w feel about herself, since self esteem issues on her part figured prominently in our difficulties. So, yes, I think there is a possibility that this may be a positive thing.

The issue of whether I would or could relocate is not a huge issue in and of itself. I work in county government,(almost 20 years in) so I do have a couple of decent pensions that are
already vested. I also have a Marine Corps Pension. I am healthy and work in the Veterans Services Field, so I should always be able to find a decent job anywhere I go. In addition, Ive always liked Ohio, and I have close relatives nearby in Kentucky. So, would I relocate? If she asked me, if she worked on her issues like I am working on mine, and if she truly wanted to wrok at the marriage, I would think very seriously about making the move. I am SEMPER GUMBY, always flexible!

Thanks for the post 2, I will check your s out soon.

[gunny]

Hi IS,
Thank you for posting. You are right, my initial reaction was sadness, but upon closer reflection this could be a good thing, could be a positive for her generally low self esteem.

American 20th century history! Great stuff, but then again, any era in history is great stuff! What level in college are you teaching to? What are you teaching next semester?

I am impressed that you are going through your sitch and are still able to teach a class. Outstanding!! I will check out your sitch soon,
Gunny

[gunny]

Hello all, more advice, opinions needed.
When my s called yesterday, she made a point of asking me how I was doing. I told her that I was doing good, staying busy, which is what my DB Coach and many people on this board advise you to say. Everyone advises the LBS to sound upbeat, and project and image that you are getting on with your life.

I had a session with my IC yesterday right after the phone call, and she was of the opinion that my wife was giving me an opportunity to tell her how I was really feeling, and that I might have wanted to be a little more honest with her. She feels that in general, I have made it much easier for my w to leave, in that i have shown unusual amiability throuhout the whole ordeal. She thinks that the next time my w asks me how I am doing, I might want to say something along the lines of "thank you for asking, to be honest, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Not being able to talk to your best friend on a daily basis, when you did so for 14 years, day after day, is very difficult. The fact that most of our days were very good, and that we are still friends, sometimes makes it even more difficult. But I realize you are on a journey that you must take, and I accept that." She told me this because she said sometimes when you dont take advantage of these small openings from your s, you could give off the impression that you believe you are both better off being separate. It is a fine line.

I have had other friends, mostly women, but some men, say the same thing. They say I should be honest with her, but not in a whiny, feel sorry for me sort of way, but in a "I am very sad at the current state of affairs, am taking steps to find out and understand my part in the demise of our r, and accept your decision, but I would be lying if I said it is not the most difficult thing barring none, that I have ever done.

For those who are, or have been in this sitch, what is your opinion, advice?