All the talk about maybe this, maybe that, maybe full custody, maybe a second investment property, maybe, maybe, maybe.
He is a man-child. Does he even work? He sees you as his mother (and frankly – you are acting like his mother with all the manipulative comments, and “ideas” you are trying to plant in his head)
He's your husband and he called you his cougar???? For goodness sake. I was married to man 16 years older than me for 12 years and I never once thought of him as anything other than my loving partner and dearest friend. The keeper of my heart for the time we were together - and I know that's how he thought about me. I actually spoke to my X not long after I read your cougar post and asked him his view – and he laughed and said “that’s weird and kind of gross”.
This stuff is going around and around in your head. You are obsessed with the situation … and it is extremely unhealthy.
This man, your husband, needs to man up, consider what his responsibilities are and how he’s going to manage them – including child support, visitation, etc … and he can only do that on his own. You are inhibiting his growth as much as a woman who spoon feeds her child longer than necessary – limiting the child’s ability to feed itself.
Your actions, and manipulative behavior, constant “trying”, cajoling and TALKING about all this stuff is just making you look to him like a desperate old “cougar” who is willing to support him while he does whatever the heck he likes.
Abbey –that’s not OK. It’s not OK for him. It’s not OK for his daughter. It is certainly not OK for you.
When are you going to let him go on his journey and face up to what he’s wrought on his life and the life of his child’s mother, his child and you? He’s behaved atrociously and there are no consequences?? What is that about?
I actually wonder if the issue is that you want to “win” your husband, or you want his new partner, the child’s mother to “lose”. Either way – very unhealthy and unhappy way for you to live.
What do you want Abbey? Do you want a happy life with hope and possibility? Or do you want to be chasing this no-good SOB player around until he’s run out of options.
Seriously Abbey – why would you make this man a priority – when at best, you are a cushy, motherly, option?
(((hugs))) V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
When are you going to let him go on his journey and face up to what he’s wrought on his life and the life of his child’s mother, his child and you? He’s behaved atrociously and there are no consequences?? What is that about?
When he buys me out of this house so I can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and let him live in the sewer he's created for himself.
Ya know, what really disturbs me, is I've had varying opinions about I'm too detached, not detached enough, I'm a doormat, I'm manipulative, I'm disinterested, too damn interested.
I'm TRYING to survive until I can get out of here.
I know he's a man child and I'd just as soon hit him in the face with a hockeystick. Would that suit you better?
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
FWIW... the cougar comment comes from me losing in excess of 90 pounds and his comments about my appearance (I have new hair color, completely different cut from anything I've ever worn before, wear different style clothes, etc etc etc.) He's tested the waters about me being hit on by other men and other like minded comments about seeing if I'd go that route. I stay coy. Don't always say where I'm going, leaving some mystery etc. (All DB stuff.)
Cat references are also a big in this house because of some of the critters we own.
Walking, your post annoys me. It seems you're quite willing to judge how I'm handling this, without fully understanding my sitch, or the past history, or my own indecision about this. I don't know if I'll ever want this man back after this latest mess. If leaving the door opened an inch and having topical conversations about the future (after he's initiated them) is manipulative,... well then I don't know what to say.
As for winning or losing. Seriously... I WANT H to go full bore into this relationship with the OW. She's a narcissistic wacko. It's only when he has to deal with her FULL ON, and with me OUT of the picture, will the true picture of the mess he's made come into focus. Manipulative? I don't think so. He needs a big dose of reality, (like last time)... but this time, I won't be so interested in just jumping back in with both feet. More DB. So... what's the problem?
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
This is a perfect example of jumping on a thread and commenting without reading ALL the background of someone's sitch. And as far as people telling you their "varying opinions about I'm too detached, not detached enough, I'm a doormat, I'm manipulative, I'm disinterested, too damn interested. " It's all projection. Even my comment that you are full of P & V is a projection. Take what you want and leave the rest. You know who your friends are. AND we know that you are in survival/exit plan of action.
I know people mean well BTW.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I know MZ, I know people mean well, ...I'm just really tired today.
Yesterday was a long day, a tough day, and then it smoothed out and H and I actually had a nice night together. He's crawling along at a snails pace back in my direction. Some of the things he's said in the last 4 days are *new*, some are back to the "old" H's opinion, he even said something to me this afternoon, that is quite contrary to his thinking that we should live apart for a while. I asked for clarification, was pleasantly surprised at his response... so I smiled and started my "we'll see, one step at a time" phase. Affirm the positive, and listen without commenting on anything negative.
I know it's all spin cycle right now, but based on what we went through before, this thing is forwarding to a stage we were at before our crawl back to the top of OUR mountain. During those times, it was definite changes in his (and my) attitude that defined the phases.
He's starting to set his own boundaries with OW about his daughter. I'm not going to jinx something, but this week might prove to be interesting. (More on that later).
Anyhoooo... thanks for the vote of confidence MZ,... sometimes you have to rattle the cage a little more to the left or the right, even when the rule book says not to.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
He comes home, tells me that OW calls, says daughter can't "talk" on the phone because she's not home yet. H proudly says: I cut her short, ... said, well call me when you have MY daughter.
Couple of hours later, he expresses his concern to me about OW's lack of sleep because her H brought the children home late. Like I CARE. I affirmed the comments about daughter. I just said: Hmmm.... to his concern of OW.
He's cuddly. He's even flirty. Some days even when there's positive little actions by him, I still want to run for the hills. Tonight was one of those nights.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I need an Abbey style butt kick. Are you up for it? I'll start my own thread in this section or find one that is appropriate. I'm thinking here or in Keeping Changes Going...or something like that.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I met daughter last night. It was fun... went round and saw Christmas lights.
It's good to have family support from H's side. They gave us tickets for a sports game which we both like. We had a nice time. (H's bro even smiled when he gave me tickets, knowing full well that he was "pushing" us together... said,... enjoy the evening.)
H was cuddly, and was happy (I gather) with how daughter and I interacted. When we got home, H said a number of times, this was a good evening.
Not so good: OW phoned 7 times while she was stuck in traffic. He tells her he loves her. Well... actually SHE tells him that she loves him and he responds. Me, I wait for him to tell me his feelings... not chase.
He lies to her. I mean a lot. Told her that it was his brother who went with him. She essentially believes that we are nothing more than civil room mates. That basically we don't interact at all.
After spending almost 2 hours with daughter, and on the way to sporting event together, he says: OW can bring daughter over to house... and you could go to your office.
I looked at him and said, Well that's highly inappropriate. H: Why. Me: Aw... cuz it's MY house and as long as I'm there, I'm not going to "hide" in my own f'g house. Sorry. H: But you said you'd "disappear" if I had to bring daughter to house. Me: Only because she was sick. You needn't think that I'm going to chase me out of the comfort of my OWN home. H: oh. Me: NOR will I jump through hoops for OW to feel MORE comfortable in MY home than I am. Not happening. H: Oh, ok.
WTF?
Next thing, he takes my hand and holds it. Was flirty. Is there like a big gooey zone in their brain?
On a completely diff note, I found out that a couple I would have NEVER pegged as splitting, split. H went alien. Considering how supportive he was with my split - I'm shocked. I would have never thought he'd have a PA. Never.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
After spending almost 2 hours with daughter, and on the way to sporting event together, he says: OW can bring daughter over to house... and you could go to your office.
I looked at him and said, Well that's highly inappropriate. H: Why. Me: Aw... cuz it's MY house and as long as I'm there, I'm not going to "hide" in my own f'g house. Sorry. H: But you said you'd "disappear" if I had to bring daughter to house. Me: Only because she was sick. You needn't think that I'm going to chase me out of the comfort of my OWN home. H: oh. Me: NOR will I jump through hoops for OW to feel MORE comfortable in MY home than I am. Not happening. H: Oh, ok.
WTF?
You laid an important boundary, enforced it, and he responded positively. Lesson learned.
