Thanks for the reply Snodderly- I have gleaned so much information from reading (and re-reading) your posts!
He has been talking about leaving since September. Recently he said he wanted to me tell him how much he has to give me to maintain the household, so he knows how much he has to spend on an apartment- to which I told him NO! Thing is, I feel like I walk around on eggshells so often and it would be more peaceful if he did leave. But that is not what I want. This is his journey- he needs to grow up and take it. I just need to continue on my path.
On a positive note- I am taking my kids on a cruise the week before Christmas so we have that to look forward to!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
Mlcers fantasyland dreams give them the impression that they will be far happier away from us. I'm sorry the holiday season is here and you have to put up w/this. I remember the walking on eggshells and it will get worse before it gets better. Do not help him. If he wants to know what his budget will be if he finds an apartment, then he needs to sit down w/the checkbook and figure it out. You are not his mother or keeper.
I'm glad to see you have a cruise booked. Go and enjoy yourself. You have deserve this time away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yay! I took my kids on a Thanksgiving cruise and it was a wonderful escape. Enjoy!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I too had a live in MLCer. You are walking a very hard road right now.
You will encounter (and already have) things that those whose MLCer's leave, don't have to deal with.
They are frequently sick. They don't want you to do anything for them that seems like a "spousal" sort of thing (laundry, cooking, etc...) The men, unlike the women, still seem interested in sexual relations with the spouse.
It is harder. It is more confusing. For both them and us. In the archives there are two posters threads that are very good who both had live in's. One it TrustingFaithfully (that was her posting name right anyone?) and the other is Fallgirl.
You can learn much by reading their experiences as well as others who posted to them.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat- Thank you for the resources. I will look for them now!
It would be soooo much easier if I could just tell him to leave. But I know that I have to stick it out if I want a chance at my marriage working.
You are so right with the "spousal" things. He has said he doesn't want me performing any wifely duties (cooking, laundry) because he can't be a husband to me right now. However when he is in the mood- then it's ok if I perform wifely duties?! Do they not see the irony in that? UGH!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
No it is TrustingFaith here is her first post in MLC. Today her husband is still at home and he is not much further down the road, but she is doing great.
You are so right with the "spousal" things. He has said he doesn't want me performing any wifely duties (cooking, laundry) because he can't be a husband to me right now. However when he is in the mood- then it's ok if I perform wifely duties?! Do they not see the irony in that? UGH!
And THAT ^^^ is all about him. I'm not telling you to do stuff to push his buttons on purpose, but psalm, your life has got to become about YOU. Not just tiptoeing around him hoping and praying that HE sees the light and all is well again.
Then what will you have?
Live your life psalm, the way you want and need to in order to be true to you. Find out who you are outside of your role as wife and mother ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thanks PEI- I have been working on defining myself since my last counseling session. I realize that I have lost a lot of my own identity. I am defined as a wife and mom, but I am also a person apart from that. I am working to develop that person without the guilt of not spending all my time being mom.
Does anyone know if either Fallgirl or TrustingFaith are still posting? I haven't been able to find anything recent. Both of their sitches sound so much like mine! I would love to hear their updates!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
Does anyone know if either Fallgirl or TrustingFaith are still posting? I haven't been able to find anything recent. Both of their sitches sound so much like mine! I would love to hear their updates!
TF (Trusting) does not post here anymore, I am friends with her and not that much has changed with her husband, he is still in the house, mostly lives in his cave. She has some other mutual LBS friends that she gets together with. Her children are two years older. She is weary of MLC but really overall is doing well.
Did you read all of her threads? You know to click on her name and hit show all posts, TOPICS, to get her threads.
Here is a recent update.
Originally Posted By: TF
Tomorrow will be three years to the day that my H told me how messed up he was, how he didn't know what was going on with him, around the time when he started outwardly showing all the signs of MLC. It will also be the 32 month anniversary of bomb drop when he walked out of our marriage.
H is still living in the basement, still doing his MLC thing.
Guess this means we are going into our fourth year of MLC.
Where can I return the "gift of time?" I dont' want it anymore.
