Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

Why wouldn't he want out? Job or religious reasons?

WCW: I just don't know. Not religious. Perhaps his job ... he doesn't have time to get a D. Also, I think, for now, he is in control of the finances, and maybe he doesn't want to let go of that. He's not stingy, but I don't think he wants me having my half, plus alimony, and not being able to say what I do with it. BUT, when I was away during the summer (Aug.), he bought a goldwing bike ... just a second-hand one. I discovered the bike (Nov.) in the garage when my S24 opened it to get something . My S24 knew about it, but it wasn't his job to tell me, and he wouldn't have thought to do so, anyway. I phoned my H in China, and asked him about this purchase. "Oh," he said, "I guess I should've told you about that. You were away." So, when he's away, I can just buy myself a nice motorbike or other large purchase on my credit card, and just "forget" to tell him. Hmmmm!

(On a side note - he knows that the money he earns is 'ours' ... when I worked for many years, my salary was pooled together with his, and I never considered it anything other than 'ours'. I gave up a good job to come to this town, where I cannot get a similar job, and he now leaves me for weeks on end, traveling overseas, or across the country. So, I hope he doesn't think that I'm going to just settle for anything less than what is more than fair. So much for a new start. Not long now, and I hope to move back to where I can be with friends and family.)

These are the BIG issues in our M ... lack of communication, and his financial control. Oh, and intimacy. He's never going to change.

Oh well. I'm not angry or holding a grudge. I am, as I said before, more at peace with things. I would like to move and get on with my life. If he, however, tries to cheat me, then he'll be in for one heck of a fight. I don't trust him, so I will be engaging a L, which he doesn't want.

Antonia: Thanks for the encouraging words. I do see my classes as GAL, although it sometimes gets me quite isolated. I very seldom come across someone close to my age at uni. Most of the students are in their 20's, so it's difficult for me to interact in a non-motherly way ... I do try though. I live inside my head these days. Ha!

[dbmod]

BeingMe, as I have told you before, you have been at this a LONG time. You have tried everything and it is what it is. I think your H does what he does because he can, and he knows it. My advice to you at this point is this; take no more of his calls, change the locks on the house, place all his belongings outside and pin a note on the door informing him that you are done, find another place to stay. This course will do one of 2 things, either he will change his ways toward you or you will go ahead and divorce. Living like this is not healthy for you.

Like Jack. I agree with a good deal of this.

No one, ever, has tried EVERYTHING. You alone determine when you have tried enough. You should obtain expert advice in the legal and marriage arenas.

But like Braveheart and Jack have mentioned your own emotional and mental health come first.

[braveheart]

LOL Well, you are correct, there are no absolutes in life. I guess I need to be careful about that. I do think a curveball now and again can reap benefits, it shows a little unpredictability. Isn't that part of what DBing is? A little unpredictability and mystery? I feel doing things like I mentioned might get the wheels turning inside the head of the MLCer. I have found that most people stay stuck on here, because they are not willing to rock the boat out of fear of losing their spouse, therefore they do the same ineffective things. You cannot allow fear to hold you back, it will beat you everytime.

[BeingMe]

You cannot allow fear to hold you back, it will beat you everytime.

Very true, BH. Out of all the reasons that I haven't left my H yet, that is one that does not apply to me. I know that one thing about myself ... I am a pretty brave person (I'm not bragging ... it's just who I am). I have faced many painful things and walked straight through it, fearful but tough. It's the one thing my H admires about me, that I believe him when he says how courageous I am.

I am keen on getting out, and being on my own. But, I do have those responsibilities to those kids still at home. And, I want to take time and care with the S and possible D, so that I get the most benefit out of it. For instance, now is not a good time to sell the house, so I will wait until it is a good time. In the meantime, I am at uni, and studying toward a new career.

I do get impatient sometimes, and angry with the situation, but at the back of my mind I know that I have to take it easy, live one day at a time, and look for the best time to leave. That will be when my children have left (with all their stuff), then I can get the house sale ready, and get the best price possible. I also have to consult with a L ... still have to find a good one. While I try not to live in the future (as difficult as that is), one does have to make plans, then leave it to unfold.

In the meantime, I am at peace, even happy sometimes. Just got to find GAL stuff to do while on the uni Christmas break. I think I will do some volunteering.

Thanks for posting ... I really appreciate everyone's opinion and advice. I do internalize it, chew on it, and I tend to feel more resolute after.

[WCW]

BM, good to hear you're back at peace and on a steady course for your future.

BH, I try to think how I would feel if I was the being treated in such a way. It's the old question of do you treat them how you want to be treated or do you treat them the way they treat you? Each sitch is different.

[BeingMe]

I have to agree with you, WCW. If my H was acting mean, or withholding finances, or detached from the children, then I would find it very easy to kick him out, file for D, and have nothing more to do with him. But, he is pleasant on the phone, lets me know when he'll be home, seems happy to be home, helps around the house, etc. I cannot fault him with that. It's only when we discuss our R when the MLCer pops his head into the picture. So, I am detaching ... sometimes I feel completely detached, other times not so much. I do miss being a real couple, but I wonder now, if we ever were. He hid so much that I wonder if I ever knew him. I keep questioning myself whether I would take him back now, but I don't think I can ... too much water under the bridge, and too long have I waited. I am willing to be friendly, not friends (I trust my friends), but pleasant. Like a family member ... some you trust, and some you don't, but you can't not be family.

[BeingMe]

Journalling .....

My H arrives home on Saturday, only to leave again on Sunday to go to the other side of the country. He says he will be here for Christmas. It doesn't affect me, because I'm leaving tomorrow for the USA to visit my niece for a week. It's going to be great to get away. And, DBing says we shouldn't always be there for the WAS, so I get a win-win. Not that I'm DBing ... I don't think I want my H back, even if he asked. He asked me if I want him to be there for Christmas, and I said, "that's up to you. Whatever you want. I'm sure the kids would like it."

He has to make his own choices. I have pretty much disconnected, emotionally. We rarely see each other due to his working so far away. So, we are disconnected physically too.

I won't be posting for about a week, so have a good week, y'all.

[BeingMe]

Back from the holidays, etc. Nothing miraculous happened. In fact, things are moving even faster toward a S and D. H is hidden from me. I no longer accept any affection from him ... he can't back it up with true emotion. This will be a year of moving/consolidation/transformation. I seek harmony and truth in my life. H is disruption and deceit, and toxic to me. As soon as we get this house sold, I will be moving away to where my grandchildren are. I hope my other kids follow, but they must live their own lives now. H can come home to them when he wants.

[job]

I'm sorry to read your posting this morning. However you sound very grounded and know what you need to do to move on w/your life. Hopefully your home will sell quickly in the new year.

Take care of yourself.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Snodderly! It's been a long time coming, but things are winding down. I am looking forward to the next part of my life. I am already planning my next home, where my grandkids can come and visit and play. I will just wait for my next MRI in June, and if clear, I'm outta here. If not, then I will have to go from there, since I have to stay within the medical system here, where it's familiar to me.

I'm not even going to take any furniture ... maybe my desk, tv's, computer, but not much else. There's a huge Ikea where I'm going, and the cost of a moving truck will buy me most of what I will need. It is so exciting.