Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

Had a work trip today to Vegas where H and OW went on a vacation at some point (I'm guessing early in the A). I was so stressed last night that I barely slept..both a combination of needing to lead a work meeting in my current emotional/mental state and not wanting to go there. I have felt like my heart is being stepped on all day today...amazing how much your chest can hurt. (H was texting me while I was there that I should have fun, gamble, go out to eat...which I guess was nice...and I haven't told him it was hard for me to go there)

I survived. He is home until tomorrow night when he returns to OW's city for work and then their trip. I haven't asked where they are going or for how long...although it strikes me that it wouldn't be unreasonable to know given I'm home with our three kids. But, I will not ask...I refuse to talk about their stupid A.

H is being "nice" as usual, but a bit distant and it's hard because we don't have any good conversations (since we have a dark cloud over us at all times due to the A). I guess LRT would say I don't really want to engage him that much in conversation anyway.

I keep thinking...what if H "woke up" and could be man enough to cancel his weekend with OW and be here for his family? I know that's too quick, extreme and good to be true...but it would show so much character. I just don't get how he can go away during the holidays with OW and not be wracked with guilt.

At least I did tell him how hurt this trip makes me feel (over Thanksgiving when I went nutty with bad R talks). I guess I need to realize that I said what I wanted to say and there's not much more I can do. He needs to deal with his life. I know I wasn't perfect...but I don't understand how he can throw everything that we had/have away.

Venting once again...