Adventures in GALing

[AntoniaB]

Thanks everyone!!

This is really helpful, all these perspectives.

Couple of clarifications or reactions:

PEI no XH and I are not friends on FB and haven't been in ages, but he's got his profile pic set to "friends of friends" and we still have 5 mutual friends. Rather, those friends are all "on my side, and they do not communicate with him on FB, but none of them will break their tie to him. It's like a game of chicken. He is mad they won't "talk" to him or "like" his posts about his new life, but he won't defriend, nor will they. When I put the letter "D" in the search box his pic/page pop up first even though I am blocked from most of his stuff and he from mine.

I do think eharmony isn't working for me. In fact, today before I read all these posts above, I cancelled my subscription. I'm paid til Jan. and so my profile isn't going to be taken down, but I just do not think it's for me.

The whole reason I joined it was because I live in a terrible place to meet people. I live near the state capital of DE. We don't even have a bookstore here. We have "the slots" and dive bars and more restaurant chains than you can imagine. There is very little culture here. Most of the culture (like music performances or art shows) comes courtesy of MY college. I go to events there. There are two types of people: students 18-22 going for class credit, and senior citizens. This area is FILLED with senior citizens. All my neighbors are in their 60's-70s. They are all from NJ because the taxes are so low. Retirement communities are everywhere.

In my job, the only new people I meet are students aged 18-22. I actually signed up to teach at the air force base TWICE, with the thought that I could make some extra money and MAYBE meet some men 35-50 since it's mostly airmen who take the classes. Meeting someone that you teach and dating them when a class ends is "allowable" in my contract. Well both times, the classes were cancelled due to lack of enrollment.

I joined a meditation group in the community. Everyone is married. I went to the lone poetry reading that was held in my county. No men showed up. I go out twice a week to a nice restaurant and bar and have met a lot of people, male and female, all married except that one guy who turned out to have kind of stalker tendencies who isn't emotionally stable.

So between that and every woman I know telling me "you will never meet a man who will be your type in this podunk area", I joined. But I'm not comfortable there at all.

I then joined OKCupid and honestly, the number of men it matched me with who had seriously disgusting sex stuff on their profiles was astounding. I've looked at plenty of fish/match.com...it's the SAME set of about 100 men. The same profile pics. Same guys. I've shown the profiles to my family and friends and they're all like, "eww...better to stay alone."

So my "sample" is not great, but this stuff above is perhaps more info on what I've done to try to meet people.

AJ you said why are you worried about getting married...ok. People say "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince." I don't WANT to kiss a lot of frogs, though. I don't want a series of bad dates. I had bad dates before XH...not too many...and then 23 years of XH. I had 2 bad dates via eharmony. That's enough.

Why? Well I don't put time and effort into being friends with people who get on my nerves more than they don't. So why should I do that with men? I just don't want to put a bunch of effort in to communicating with someone who bothers me for some reason from the getgo.

Mind you, in many ways, the type of person I'm looking for is NOT like XH, in many ways, nor is this ideal person XH's opposite. I am very aware that if XH was on eharmony, I don't think I'd be interested in him.

I think in a lot of ways the people around me WANT me to have a boyfriend because they feel sorry for me because I'm alone, because I always had this grand romance. It's something they associate with me. I get these subtle hints from them, like every time I meet someone new, I get asked "well now is he single or married" and then when I say married, they look saddened. Or some people will say outright, "you really are retreating into yourself, and if you don't get out there and date and start seeing someone, you're really going to never go back to it because you'll get so out of practice, and do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? No." My closest girlfriend said that. Why? Her mom is divorced now 10 years and miserable and depressed, and she's afraid I'll end up like her mom.

And guess what? My brother is only 1 year younger than me. He has been alone his entire life aside from a girlfriend for a month or two in high school. He says things like "I let too much time pass and now I just can't ever be with anyone...I'm too set in my ways and now I don't want anyone ever again."

My father has isolated many people too and is very inward. So I have these fears that if I don't date/find someone, I'll end up like them.

What's in my heart?

1. I think I'm still attached to the idea of XH and the marriage a little bit and it's interfering
2. I don't compare men to XH based on personality but I do compare them based on looks. My XH was very young looking for his age and very handsome.
3. I am not comfortable with online dating and need to walk away from it for good because I just plain don't enjoy myself at all
4. I don't want a bunch of crappy dates just to have dates
5. I feel significantly more comfortable with men I have a friendship with first than someone who's going from 0 to date in 60 seconds.
6. My instinct is really telling me that I need to just be myself which is a single woman who doesn't care that she is single, but I need to communicate better to people around me that this is a choice and it's not a "second best" sort of lifestyle.
3.