too much time and distance

[any chance?]

Had drinks with a good mutual friend last night. She tells me that W has made her choice, and that I can do nothing to help her. Says W has to continue down the path she is on.

So do I move forward with the formal financial split, sending W details about the separation of our assets, while at the same time trying to support her? Feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

Very confused here.

[Rick1963]

Have you talked to a L? See what the implications are 1st. My L told to me continue paying as I have. That as the process goes on things will change ie she will off my health care a given the option of cobra. I think your question is personal choice. If it affects you financially you should cut her off but if you are ok than maybe you can help her. But you need to do what is right for you.

[gunny]

Hey AC,
Here is how I am handling my sitch,

1. I am slowly liquidating assets(mostly stocks) as they regain lost ground or make gains. I send her her portion of the proceeds.
2. I forward all her mail and slowly send her stuff that she left around the house when she left.
3. Emailed her last week and wished her luck on her job search, she wrote me back and said she appreciated me asking
4. The understanding we have(as of the date she left anyway), is that when she finds gainful employment with health benefits she will come off of my health plan.
5. Like you, I have endeavoured to remain amicable with her, we have had no problems with splitting of funds, responsibilities, etc. I am hoping/pretty confident that things will continue on this way. Staying on good terms, without sacrificing any of my rights has so far worked fine for me.

I think after you give it the thought that it deserves, you will come up with the right decision. I think your instincts are good, good luck!

[any chance?]

Thanks, Gunny.
I have all our financial separations worked out, but I have not sent her the details yet, but she knows the main points. Have a scheduling hearing with the courts on Friday. Her L has supposed to have sent forms for me to fill out, but I have seen nothing yet.

As I mentioned a couple of posts back, she seems to be slipping back into depression (although she never left it). She is very alone, and feeling it. She misses her friends, needs someone to confide in. This puts her in a bad position, as she may gravitate to anyone who pays attention to her, which is a potentially bad situation. I am really struggling with how to deal with this. I have been contacting her bit by bit - care packages, occasional card and text, but I am not sure how she is taking these contacts. I am stuck, as I don't know if helping her move forward with the D will help or hurt her. I know she wants to check the box that says she did what she said she would do and divorced me, but I am not sure she can handle to slap of reality that financial separation will bring. She is not motivated to look for a job, and seems to be wallowing in her situation.

I am stuck and confused. Everyone tells me to move on and forget about her...she made her decision. But I cannot get over the feeling of abandoning her.

[Valeska19]

Ac,
I agree with Rick and seeing a lawyer first. Just because you might want to do certains doesn't mean you legally can.

Find out all your legal obligations then go from there.

[any chance?]

I need to get unstuck. I have been on this rollercoaster for too long. Perhaps I should just accept the inevitable and move on.

I am normally a very fun-loving, optimistic guy, and that is the persona I portray even now. But I feel like I am dying inside. Felt this way for a while. Man. Wish I knew what to do.

[CO1978]

Only you can answer that question weither or not you are ready to move on, no one else. Nothing is inevitable. You are not abondoning her. Continue to show her you are the fun loving optimistic guy, it's not your job to help her move forward on D, she has to figure that out for herself. Stay strong we are all here for you.

[any chance?]

Really need to get my act together. Back to waking up at 4AM and dwelling on my sitch. I am radically up and down with respect to worrying about her and just wanting it all to be over because she is never coming back.

Tomorrow marks 4 months since her departure.

[workinghardguy]

But I cannot get over the feeling of abandoning her.

How are you abandoning her? You are giving her what she wants, in essence loving her how she has asked to be love. She wants her freedom then give it to her. She can be the adult and deal with the ramifications that brings.

In the D process you can choose to be more generous that the law requires if that is something you want to do because YOU feel it meets your values. But just propping her up isn't good for you and doesn't force her to face reality.

Abandoning her would've been walking out the door and cutting her off with no notice. Last time I checked, that is very different than going through with the divorce she has asked for.

[gunny]

AC,
What you are going through is eerily similar to my sitch, except, to my knowledge, my w is not going through any horrible depression(who knows, maybe she is)

The lack of sleep thing/waking up early is definatley a big factor in both of us having anxiety over our sitchs.

I am trying very hard to stay engaged in the world around me, am out every day getting some form of exercixe, seeing an IC, joining community co-ed volleyball, and getting involved in my church, which I havent done in 35 years.

I'm sure you intuitively know, that with time, things will get better, or at least tolerable. We just have to take each day, sometimes hour by hour. Keep hanging in there, we will get each other through this,
Gunny