Well, I'm back...with bright red face.

[Psych77]

Dear friends,

It is amazing how much easier it is to GAL once you realize that your own life is the only one you really have.

I told you recently about a big knock down drag out that W and I had recently. Well, I actually hadn't really thought of it as a knock-down drag-out, but W got very upset about it. The most I remember having done was slamming a couple of doors, because I was frustrated, as I felt I was not being listened to. W will often tell me her perception of an action, her interpretation of what my motives must have been ("it looks to me like"), and then when I tell her what my actual intent was, she responds with "I don't care."

Of course, that is just written out of my hurt feelings, and I am sure she has her own perspective on this whole matter. Please don't take my own rantings as what actually happened, just what it looks like from my angle.

Later that night, W wrote me a note, telling her side of the story and what had made her so angry.

And, the following day, I wrote an e-mail apologizing. I told her that I appreciated her note, and explained that I had "fallen off the wagon" with regards to giving her space when there was conflict. That I had obsessed on having her understand my point of view, rather than accepting what she said for what I could take from it and letting her anger roll off me.

She responded last night. She gave me a two page review of the last 15 years, and all the ways that I have not valued our relationship, all the ways I have ignored her advice and her requests. And she told me that, after all that time, I still yell at her, am abusive, and that she is physically afraid of me.

I take all these things very seriously. I don't want to be an abusive husband, and the last thing I have ever wanted was for anyone to be afraid of me. But more than that, I remember only twice the other night slamming doors, (one right after the other, as I went outside to take a walk and cool down), and don't recall yelling at all! I had thought the whole thing had remained a lot calmer than I had thought it might have done.

But was I abusive? Is my temper so terrible that I have given her reason to be afraid of me? And without my even realizing it?

We have gone through this before, and specified exact behaviors that W found intimidating. And I didn't think I engaged in those behaviors this time (except for the door slamming).

I am terrified - and horrified - to think that I may be the abusive, uncaring,
unlistening person she says I am. My IC says I have changed greatly at this point. W says not at all. I don't want to be mean, or controlling, or intimidating. The kids aren't afraid of me - but then I never, even in the past, got into the kind of arguments with them that W and I got into. I've never struck her...EVER! But of course, that's not the only kind of abuse there is.

W shouldn't have to live in fear, and if I can do that to her when I am trying to control myself, and not even realize I've done it, then do I really have ANY control over how I treat her? Would she be better off if I just left? Supported her financially but allowed her to live separately from me, so she could feel safe and secure?

Am I some sort of monster, without whom she would be far better off?

She concluded her note by giving me a deadline, saying that if I do not seek anger management classes before then she will ask me to leave the house.

So, now my view of my future has been changed - somewhat by force. It used to be that I always visualized my future with the assumption that she would be a central part of it. Now, I am visualizing a future in which I had better be able to get by on my own. Where I have to have my own life, with her or without her.

In short, desirable or undesirable, my life is mine. I have a life of my own.

I just wrote all this stream of consciousness. I am so upset and in shock that I couldn't think clearly enough to organize this post. I hope it makes sense to someone.