Adventures in GALing

[AJM]

...AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T PRETENTIOUS.

I like the tooth fairy myself. She has nice legs and a great smile..

Why do I weed people out? Because I probably am not ready at all to be settling down, and the majority of eharmony men want "the one." That's not where I am. I don't want to get married for a long time...if ever again.

Why are you worried about marriage, exactly? what happened to dating?? Isn't that the step in the middle?

And duh, people on eH are likely looking for "the one" a) because they think others are there looking for "the one" and they are lonely and b) because that's what drew them to the site. I think that would be par for expectations. But at what point are you comfortable being you, by yourself? I think you are actually, at least mostly. I think you might want to "bake" a little longer though vs. eHarmony or plenty of fish or today's popular dating site. To me, if you find hobbies you enjoy and pursue them, you'll be bound to meet somebody who shares at least *some* of the same hobbies you enjoy. Most likely right? Seems a reasonable guess based on the math anyway.

I can't imagine myself sleeping with someone or even being significantly physical with someone if I didn't have some sort of commitment to him.

Look. I like sex as much as the next man. Maybe more, but I'm not asking. But why does dating have to be about sex? What happened to the stuff in the middle? Like, oh, conversation? Shared hobbies? Shared interests? Flirting? Enjoying the tease of flirting with no sex (tantric in some ways I know, but...)? Honestly, is that all you women think about?!??

And I am told by my single male friends that a lot of physicality is an expecatation anymore, that I have a very "childish" view of dating, and that in general, people "hook up" fast, and this creeps me out. It creeps me out because I was a very sexual person in my other life, but I was that person JUST with XH.

Do you know what I call sex without intimacy? Work! It's sexercise but it's not nearly as pleasurable. I know the differnce. I am sad to say I know the difference. But honestly, I would never go back to sexercise in concept even though it was the rare occasion that I tried that. It's just not worth it and your friends that say it's an expectation? They are right, many people (men and women) think it is an expectation. My answer to that? No thanks. Not going to happen here. This is high school all over again for crying out loud!

Not interested in a hook up. The idea is kind of interesting. Kind of look the idea of a stripper. But once you cross that line, both the hook up and the stripper are no longer any fun...

5. Aside from this sex stuff, there is the issue of "what I want" in a relationship. Well, I mentioned I met that guy the other night who was so interesting as he was a writer and stuff, and he really "got" me, as far as he was really "supportive" of the fact that I write for publication. This total stranger was more excited for my book project now than XH ever was. And yet he had lots of other interests too, and I loved that about him. He just had so much going on for himself. I was attracted to that. HOWEVER. Here's the other part. My FIRST THOUGHT when I met this guy was "hey, he seems like a great guy to date, but he would NEVER embrace living where you do or taking care of a property or anything like that." And that leads me to realization number 6:

6. I don't honestly believe there is any man in the world who is as "effed up" as me...so to speak. This is me: I live in my head like I'm significantly younger than I am, and I can come off like I am much younger. My students think I'm 30. My colleagues think I'm in my 30s. Strangers see me on campus and think I'm a student. I'm into the music and culture of a much younger group than me because that part of me never "grew up" and that part of me really likes the connection I have to my students because I know a lot that is relevant to them. Despite all of that, I like having a home, of being settled, having responsibility and a yard...and cats who are part of my life...

And there just aren't men who "get" this.

At what point will it make sense to you that your perspective is based on limited data? This last bit is so riddled with references to your xh that it seems to me that your frame of reference is too limited. It's limited to him and to your local area. Two very normal things, but limiting just the same.

I work with middle schoolers through my church. I love it. I listen to similar music, dress a bit older, but not as old as I am, and think, walk and talk like a much younger person. But I am still me, sister. Just like you are you. I am lucky that I have a job that exposes me to international clients in various countries. I get a broader view of the world that way instead of this small town stuff. I live in a small-ish city on the east coast, so I need that larger environment to remind me I live in a much bigger world and what I see is but a slice of the world at large.

I'm trying to point out that you are not much different in your thought process than I am. Love to write (not very good at it, but cie la vie). Love to read. Love my family and yes, even my xw. Not the same as I used to, but I do. I didn't think I would be capable of that, but I stretch and learn. Every day. I love the journey, even if some of the way stations have sucked. I cherish the journey and I really enjoy meeting new people with different ideas and or perspectives. I feel alive through those connections and interactions.

I think, as you begin to explore (you are exploring from what I see; yet holding back too) you will see things very different. Or put another way, you'll change your data sample and it will lead to a change in your perspective and thoughts.

First off, you are not alone in your thoughts and concerns. You speak of meeting women with similar thoughts. Gosh, I wonder if it's also because women share their thoughts with you in a way that is more easily understood by another women than men do? i.e. men and women communicate differently? Crazy thought I know...

I mentioned once before how I am a bit of a chameleon. I may have made a good spy... Sometimes I become the fourth girl in a conversation. That approach has allowed me to see things from various perspectives. Know what I saw? People never really change after the age of 7 (except they can reach the stuff on the higher shelves) and men and women are very similar in what they want. Although they do relate it differently (socialogical?) and communicate it differently. In the end, they still want the exact same thing...to be loved for who they are by somebody they love. To trust. To have interesting conversation. To be pushed and prodded to be their best for them.

Might make an interesting story someday if I can just find a vehicle to present it to the reader........Know any good writers?

Be good to yourself Antonia. Take the worry out of your mind. Enjoy being you. Somebody else will too but not until after you take that worry out. Get out and meet people. Socialize. Get out of the house and see what the world has to offer you. I think you'll find it has been offering you something great for a very long time and right now you're still re-adjusting focus to compensate for the unexpected change in your life. But you'll have to change your perspective just a smidge...

Have a great day beautiful lady. Life is great!
-aj