Thank you for your reply, 2TP. You make some very solid points.
Here is my problem - all of the issues that were problematic in our relationship have been my focus, W was exceptionally efficient in pointing them out. What I am struggling with is how to fix them if they centered around her and we are now living apart.
For example, she has said:
1. "You nit-pick me from the time you come home to the time you go to bed"
2. "There is no love in this house"
3. "Living with you is like having a boss"
4 ."We want different things out of life"
5. "You treat life like it's a dress rehearsal"
I have had plenty of time to reflect on these, and though I do not agree with all of them (any of them, really) I can see how she arrived at some of these conclusions. How do I 180 these if they are so very much centered around her perception of me?
Here are the things I could have done better relating to the list above:
1.) I could have learned to live with imperfections a little better. Though I don't think it nit-picked, she felt I did - so I could have held my tongue on matters that didn't really weigh much. She would say I was nit-picking her if I picked up the baby's toys when I came home, or if I asked her if she fed the dog when I got home from work. I don't THINK that's nit-picking, but if I work off of her perceptions then I could have just accepted that she had everything under control and not ask anything potentially "judging" when I got home. I will admit that I am a bit of an OCD neat freak. 180 = relax and accept the imperfections in life as evidence that someone that loves you is there.
2.) That one I just don't get. Every night I fell asleep with my arms around her and woke up the same way. I would kiss her and our son good-bye in the morning and rush home at the end of the day to be with them. I spoiled her when I could and tried to tend to all of her needs. Maybe I just missed the mark on what she interpreted as "love". What I could have done differently is tell her that I love her every day, show more affection, hold her hand more in puplic (never really did that much), bring flowers every now and then, rub her back whenever she asked, and so on. The 180 here would be all of those things above, but she isn't around anymore. Even before she moved out she wasn't interested in it. This is one that centers 100% around her that I can't 180. The best I can do is try to show as much love to our son as I can, and that is easy to do.
3.) This one is very related to #1. I think she believed that everything had to be in state of perfection for me to be happy and if it wasn't, I would blame her and be angry. This just wasn't true in my eyes, but I see her perception and need to deal with it. The 180 here would be to relax and learn to live with things that are not perfect. To know that the counters won't always be clean and the cabinets might just always be a mess - and just let it go. How do I 180 this in her eyes being in her own condo now?
4.) This one is matter of perception as well. We spent three years focusing on the one things that we both wanted - a child. We went through a brutal infertility process that had 4 failed procedures and one successful one (thank God). That process was so intense and emotion-packed we had little time to focus on anything else we wanted in life. Then when the baby came, we were so wrapped up in being new parents that we didn't talk about what else we wanted in life (travel, retirement, style of life, etc.). She had only expressed that she wanted another baby and I did not immediately agree (though I did not disagree, either). In an argument before she moved out I asked her what she wanted out of life and she just snapped "thanks for asking after 8 years" - and left the house. The 180 here could be (or could have been) sitting down when "the iron is cold" and asking her excatly what it was she wanted out of life and try to map a plan to get there together. Sad thing is, I would like another child too - and we seems miles away from there.
5.) I think this was her way of saying that "you think you have all the time in the world to live" - I.E. - let's hurry up and have another baby. I will admit that it is hard for me to make big life decisions without having a full plan in front of me. It is nearly impossible to create an 18 year plan for a child before it is even born. So I always wondered "how will we pay fo college", "will we have enough money", "will I be a good dad" - and so on. This wasn't just with the baby, but I was cautious and conservative with a lot of my judgements and that might have driven her nuts. The 180 here would have been just to simply accept living without all the answers and having faith that things would work out in the end. I should have put myself farther out on the branch than I did, but I was terrfied of failure as husband and father.
So even in her absence I am trying to work on those 180s, but without her around it is difficult. Not just because she is not there to witness, but because so many of them are directly related to her. Right now communication is highly limited so I am at a loss for exactly how to handle things right now.
I will focus on myself, but I would be a liar if part of me didn't want her to see changes. I want her to believe that coming home will be better than living alone....I want her to believe that it will be better than what she left, but I just don't know how to get that across to her. Right now, I feel like she hates me and the lack of communication and contact only pulls her farther and farther away from me - not towards me like I would have hoped. Maybe it will in time. I am hopeful.
