....W got very upset. She said she thinks I'd be happier with someone else, someone who was more affectionate, expressive, and sexual.
....She feels like I'm asking her to change and not accept who she is, despite the fact that SHE has accepted her darkness and her issues.
...She said that if she tells me she will permanently feel worse about herself, that it will "diminish her". Then, she got angry and said "Let's go, let's do it now" in an angry tone.
...So we agreed last night that we're at an impass. If W works on enjoying sex more, she will feel worse about herself permanently, but if she doesn't I'll be perpetually unhappy. She kept saying she wants me to be happy, but that she accepts who she is, and she's not willing to work on this. I told her that the cost for her of addressing it seems to be higher than the cost to me of coping, so I won't bring it up again. I hugged her after that and told her that as long as we love each other, and have so many good things in our marriage, we'll find a way through and it will work out, but we both clearly felt badly and had a hard time getting to sleep.
...Thoughts?
Accuray;
I would like to share a few thoughts with you based on your post above.
First, I think that trying to save a marriage is important. However, just as it takes two to wreck a marriage, it takes two to save one.
In reading the above, I see your wife as afraid of change and as being comfortable with the way things are.
I read that you aren't comfortable with the way things are and want more out of your life.
One of the truths I believe in is GAL and improving oneself. You are working on making yourself better and happier. We should all try to make ourself better. We should all work on improving ourselves every day of our life.
Your wife is saying she doesn't want to change or have anything change in her life. Well, life isn't suppose to work that way. You should explain to your wife that you want to live life and that involves change, struggle and pushing yourself. You should tell her that you know that you can't force her to do anything or force her to change. However, in a similar way, she can't force you not to change. I would tell her that you intent to change and improve yourself and your life and you would like her to change with you and always be part of your life, but if she doesn't want to, then that is her decision.
I think that you statement to her that your coping is the right decision (is actually the wrong decision) and is selling yourself short. Your coping so she doesn't have to push herself will not allow you to reach your own real potential. That doesn't mean you should be going out and dumping your wife. I still think that working on trying to improve your R is important.
If I were in your shoes, I would ask her to go to the Therapist with you so that she can help you and understand the issues you are going through. Tell her that you want her support and want her to be by your side.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
