I reread what you said and taken at face value I don't see it as over the top rude, just unskillful communication. If you're really eating enough more than usual that your kids noticed and said something to your W, and she mentioned it to you, and you acknowledged it was true, then the rudeness of it is secondary to the truth of it. You could be damaging your health. Those of us trying to lose weight can tell you how destructive to your self esteem some extra weight can be, and how hard it is to lose. At this time more than ever you should be taking very good care of yourself.
My T and I have discussed ways of dealing with when your loved one is rude/sarcastic/hurtful. It can be a way of passive-aggressively expressing resentment about something completely unrelated. It can be a bad habit. Or it can be a way of shutting down a conversation or derailing it into a fight. If you can learn not to react to the word choice that's good. And if you can learn to express how the word choice affects you that's even better, like: "I felt disrespected by the way you said you were horrified by my eating. I appreciate that you brought it to my attention but I will ask you to use more courtesy when you talk to me." For me the issue was a sarcastic demeaning tone that could melt me into tears and completely shut down what I was trying to say. We decided mutually with a therapist that the tone was unfair tactics and if it occurred we agreed that I could end the conversation and pick it up again later when we could both be more calm. T called it negotiating boundaries and rules of fair fighting. It's a mutual understanding, so you both have agreement that it's not ok and what will happen if it occurs.
I do think if she's regularly insulting and demeaning that, just like it's ok for her to tell you you're overeating, it's ok for you to point out that her words might convey unintended messages to the kids. This is tricky. As my H became more depressed and miserable pre-bomb, he was really getting mean with the kids. When he called S11 a "jerk" I took him aside and told him I felt that he was using insults that could permanently affect the relationship he has with S, that I preferred if he could be more specific about the behavior he didn't like and not paint S with a label that was hurtful. It's hard when your relationship is bad. This worked better post-bomb when we got into counseling and could discuss situations like this with the T. Then she could make sure I understood I wasn't always right and H wasn't always wrong - she was good about praising what H did right, and she had experience with many clients to be able to tell H with authority that what he was doing could result in oppositional behavior during the teens.
In the course of my situation I've had my eyes opened in a lot of areas that I thought I had pretty well in hand already. First was that I'm not always right or there can me more than just my way of looking at things. Second is that I don't have to react emotionally or immediately to things said to me. I can evaluate them first and choose my response - I don't have to be reactive. If H is mad I don't have to be upset, I can allow that he's mad but still be calm and OK on my side. Third is that your loved ones are in a position to give you important feedback on how you come across - if you don't get defensive and write it all off as criticism you have an opportunity to improve yourself, and vice versa. I learned a lot more about marital communication in the book Family Communication by Sven Wahlroos that offers good examples of the seemingly small ways you can drive your loved ones crazy without even knowing it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
