DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

Have been reading the threads...got threw the first one in tears...
Have a date with my girl posse for early dinner then out to a movie with my S21 to celebrate his silver medal at his S.O. tournament this afternoon.. H text me that he set up the paperwork about the house at our local UPS and already signed his and paid for it to be faxed, i just need to go by and sign mine????? after I told him I couldnt do it today...so I waited about an hour and text him i told you I couldnt do it today and Im not sure what time ill be in town tomorrow....he text back "sure"...tee hee..hes a little perturbed that Im not jumping up and running at his wish...
a friend is taking me to shoot rifles tomorrow...a 180 for me since ive never liked guns and H always wanted them...since we split he bought 2 rifles. I just wanted to try something ive always said I wouldnt.

[imthemom]

ugg....went and saw the new Twilight movie with S21 ..
first movie ive seen since that morning catching H and OW in our bed. I dont think i will ever be able to sit threw a love scene in a movie again with out feeling sick to my stomach. I literally thought i was going to have to walk out....

[imthemom]

OMG!!!...VENTING!!!
S14 came home from Hs house today and has been a PILL ever since...ive come close to calling H several times but stopped myself because 1) I dont really want to contact him at all right now unless its an emergency..and 2) it doesnt make a difference anyway..he makes some smart a#$ comment about S14 will be fine and thats about as mush support as I get..

S14s grades are horrible and we (both of us sat and told him this) took his playstation system away from him until he got the grades up..we were specific about were they had to be and said as soon as he did this he could have it back. its been over a month..the grades are slowly comeing up but im sticking to our agreement...as soon as there are NO Fs he can have it back. S14 spent the whole weekend harrassing me by text asking if he could play the game and why cant he play the game and PLEEEASE can he play the game....i wanted to throw my phone away..i finally told him if he asked again id take his phone..
Now S14 is home and has already "threatened me" with spending way more time at Ds house since i wont let him play and then...wait for it.....actually said "ill tell you something about D if you let me play, something hes planning on doing"....I lost it..I told him he was being an immature manipulative brat, and i wasnt going to fall for that game. if he wanted to spend more time with his D that is fine, hes his D..but i will not be threatened by that. I also told him i was disappointed that that was the way he was choosing to handle the situation that is going on between me and his D, by being manipulative and shady....
GAWD!!!! im so angry right now....this is NOT normal behavior for my S, he is usually very sensitive and not so mean...im so sick of all this. and H is just over there with his OW im sure (since he didnt get to see her all weekend due to S14 being there for the first time ).obliviouse to everything around him other then the fact that hes getting laid on a regular basis.....AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

wow....ok......i think im better......

[imthemom]

ok.....im flipping out..
checked S14s fb page, which i do about every other week or so, and found hes been messageing some girl whos info says she 25 and asking him were he wants to meet...i blow a gasket and lock down his page, hes done with fb..S14 is in his room and knows nothing of this yet..but i break down and message H...

me: fyi...i shut S14s fb down...he was talking to total strangers one of them a 25 yr old woman asking him were he wanted to meet..he also will not have a phone as i am taking that as well. I dont know how long.

H: ok..sounds good

WTH???????????????

complete waste of time and now im kicking myself for even letting him know!!!!!!..its wasnt an emergency to him obviousely but our son is getting himself in over his head...and H just cant be bothered!!! disgusting...

[MynameisMZ]

First things first ITM. Your S14 is so vulnerable. Let him cool down, let yourself cool down. Then be very brief and to the point about your concerns. Is there a way his brothers can be solicited to help?

[imthemom]

You were reading my mind MZ...Im going to speak to his brother S28 today and have him really try to step up for his brother...
we did speak (S14 and I) after we both calmed down and he apologized for being "so crappy". It turns out that the girl who says she is 25 is not and is a girl from his school, so that made me feel alot better...but still inappropriate conversation and we spoke about that. We got into how angry he was when he got home from Hs house. He says that he is angry that he is still being punished for grades and hes only angry at me because H has said "if mom wants to give you the game back its fine with me"....nice way to lay it all on me right???? so im the bad guy and IM the one doing the punishing...gawd! so spineless and pathetic...
I told him that it was my job as a mom to make sure he is doing well in school and stick to my decisions that I make as far as punishments for him...I know he is not use to this because i would usually cave in and Im not this time. but we would both come out better for it and I know he can get his grades up, and it wont be long till he gets his game back.
it ended pretty positively...i feel better about it but know to my core that at least for right now, i cannot count on H being any kind of support with S14. S14 has even notices as he said "if dad doesnt care that my grades are bad, why do you?"...I told him that I cannot control what H cares or does not care about but he needed to know that it was not ok to have those grades and its my job to help him figure it out...i loved him and expected more from him because I know he is capable of more ...

becoming easier and easier to detach from the selfish, cold hearted person H has become...seriousely, he is not exactly looking like a prize keeper right now...

[imthemom]

Ugggg....co parenting session again tonight.....

[imthemom]

well day started off yesterday by getting a call from my lawyer that H called and requested to sit down with us and work all the details out...relief that he didnt get a lawyer and pure utter sadness that this is really going to happen...

then realize that I have Co Parenting session with H again..DREAD!!

it was interesting in that we actually discussed S14 for once. C asked what we wanted to work on and read a list of items H had come up with last week.. communiction with me, parenting S14 together, figure out what we could do about S14s grades etc...
H picked the grades (which has already been decided and being implicated but OK??) so we talked about what we (I) have been doing in regards to that...took about 15 min. then we sat there..C asked again what H would like to work on and then he sits there for a few min. and says "well W and I arent really speaking right now (what? he noticed ive gone dark??) and id like to work on communication with her"...C looks at me and i say nothing.
C asks me why we are not communicating and i say very calmly " i dont think there is a need for communication between us right now other then S14s information"...C asks me why i feel that way.
I say very calmly "it seems when we have communication that H feels the need to verbally attack me so ive made a choice not to put myself in that situation anymore" C asks H if he is aware he is doing that and he says yes...C says are you willing to work on that and change it? and H says yes..C has H look at me and say..."Im am willing to put an effort into not attacking you and blaming you for everything when we speak and not be so mean and hurtfull anymore"....C asks if he is aware of it why is he doing it and H says because i know it makes her feel bad. C says well I wonder what it is that your really trying to tell W? because that is something that adolesents do when there trying to get someones attention..say mean hurtfull things...so what is that about.? he doesnt have an answer and session is over..i get up and leave with out waiting for H like I usually do ......
so what do you think? it felt like a baby step...if nothing else he noticed right???
feed back PLEASE!!!!!

[Abbey]

ITM, I'm at a loss. That said...He clearly noticed.

Your C tapped in on something about what adolescents do to get attention.

You've set a boundary, about being civil, talking about S, so... only thing I can say is: Keep consistent.

Will be interested to see what the others think.

Abbey

[mishka422]

Very, very, very well done ITM. So glad that the C finally tapped on something that could be useful going forward. It has seemed to me like she is just there to moderate your H's b!tch sessions.

Stay on the track you have been on with one exception. Allow your H to communicate with you, respond, but the second he says one thing that is hurtful shut the convo down. Don't just stop talking though, point out how what he said made you feel and then stop the convo. Each time you do that you show him your boundary. Do that enough and you have re-patterned your communication styles.

Good luck. I think this is a good first step, if not to the road back to each other, at least on the road to better co-parenting.