Adventures in GALing

[AntoniaB]

Alright, I've done a lot of thinking about me and dating and relationships this weekend, and I've come to some realizations. I write this in hopes it articulates things for more than just me:

1. There is a conflict in me over what I want. Namely, I go on eharmony and I only give attention to anyone who seems to be "marriage material" and I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't damn near perfect, and yet, if you asked me if I wanted to be married or even just live with a guy, I'd say NO WAY. If you asked me do you see yourself married/living with someone in a few years from now, I'd also say no. I don't see it.

2. I weed people out FAST on eharmony for all sorts of things. Right now, I've weeded out an interested party because the guy's grammar and spelling is so atrocious. MIND YOU. I have thought everyone's grammar and spelling on this board is freaking GREAT. I have never "judged" any of you for these things. But put a guy in my midst who can't write a sentence at all, and I just want to run. I like intellectual men AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T PRETENTIOUS. That is pretty darn specific!!

3. Why do I weed people out? Because I probably am not ready at all to be settling down, and the majority of eharmony men want "the one." That's not where I am. I don't want to get married for a long time...if ever again.

4. That leaves simple DATING. What's my issue with that? MONOGAMY. I can't imagine myself sleeping with someone or even being significantly physical with someone if I didn't have some sort of commitment to him. Why? I've never had that experience. I'm not trying to be holier than thou at all. I have nothing against women who do have sexual experiences with men they are not in love with. I've just never had them. I can't imagine doing it. Just can't. And I am told by my single male friends that a lot of physicality is an expecatation anymore, that I have a very "childish" view of dating, and that in general, people "hook up" fast, and this creeps me out. It creeps me out because I was a very sexual person in my other life, but I was that person JUST with XH.

5. Aside from this sex stuff, there is the issue of "what I want" in a relationship. Well, I mentioned I met that guy the other night who was so interesting as he was a writer and stuff, and he really "got" me, as far as he was really "supportive" of the fact that I write for publication. This total stranger was more excited for my book project now than XH ever was. And yet he had lots of other interests too, and I loved that about him. He just had so much going on for himself. I was attracted to that. HOWEVER. Here's the other part. My FIRST THOUGHT when I met this guy was "hey, he seems like a great guy to date, but he would NEVER embrace living where you do or taking care of a property or anything like that." And that leads me to realization number 6:

6. I don't honestly believe there is any man in the world who is as "effed up" as me...so to speak. This is me: I live in my head like I'm significantly younger than I am, and I can come off like I am much younger. My students think I'm 30. My colleagues think I'm in my 30s. Strangers see me on campus and think I'm a student. I'm into the music and culture of a much younger group than me because that part of me never "grew up" and that part of me really likes the connection I have to my students because I know a lot that is relevant to them. Despite all of that, I like having a home, of being settled, having responsibility and a yard...and cats who are part of my life...

And there just aren't men who "get" this.

My XH lived this weird dual life with me, a life where we were "young" here and there and yet "older" and more mature with the house and yard and all...and then XH decided the "older more mature" part wasn't for him, and I think he really went along with my weirdness just to make me happy.

I don't see people on eharmony or in person who fit the weirdness that is ME.

I feel like I'm in my 20s in so many ways inwardly, and in my 40s outwardly, and I'm really good with this dual nature that I have for myself. But it's something I just never see in anyone else.

I'm not saying I'm better than other people. I just "am." I'm saying that I don't know how to find someone like me and so I'm not going to try anymore.

I like who I am, and if the only people who really get it or like it are my friends or family or female students who see me as a "cool" role model, then so be it. Maybe the best I can contribute to the world is to be a role model for some of these young women. Maybe THAT is my path, and the whole "man loving me/man being romantic with me" just isn't in the cards.

I have to embrace what I am capable of, and I guess this is it.

Sorry to go on so long...I hope this helps others!!