DB'ing is soooo hard!

[2thepoint]

"...I really haven't gone dark on her, really. Just here and there. I really have become her manservant in that I am there for her in every way possible because I love her and want this to work, but she is absolutely not there for me in any way."

Can you say DOORMAT?

"I feel like you do. If I go dark it will be easy for her to just let our M drift away for good. So staying connected to her feels like the only way to keep hope alive."

I know how you feel but I think this is the counter intuitive part of DB'ing. You have to accept that your marriage as it was is FINISHED! Once you do, I think it is easier to then go dark and let the chips fall where they may. Look, the reality is that both you and I may never get our wives back. And frankly, do we want them back in their current form? Doubtful! So, what else is there for us to do. The DB'ing books provide remedies and tools that when used properly may help get things on a new track. Notice I didn't say back on track. You don't want things back on the same track but a new track.

"If I go dark and GAL she tries to find ways to find deception in my actions. I feel like if I go dark then I am just giving her ammo back at me even though I would not being doing anything that would threaten a M."

"I don't want her to be able to cast doubt on me by my GAL activities. Not that they would be anything bad for a marriage but she tries to twist everything possible into that."

I'm not a L so this may be a question best left to a L. But, there are lots of things that you can do to GAL that will have no way of being construed as behaving like your WAW. I forget if you have young kids, but if you have made visitation arrangements with your W, perhaps your GAL can occur during those times when the kids are not under your watch.

Also, here are some GAL ideas that might be helpful and also not create a whiff of shenanigans that your W might try to impose:



* If you attend church, perhaps you can join the church choir. Then you have weekly practices to go to and the Sunday choir commitment.

* Join a bowling league.

*If you are a birder, join a club and go on monthly outings.

* Volunteer and the local food bank or other charity of your choice.

* If you are the outdoorsy type, join a hiking club.

* If you are a history buff, join the local historical society.

You get the idea. There is so much you can do that wouldn't come off as suspicious and you will be expanding your horizons, stoking your need to GAL and be around others with similar interests. If your W becomes curious about your new activities, maybe ask her to join you. Wait! Don't do that just yet!

The other thing is that you talk about going dark when perhaps all you need to do is go a little dim.

I think the best thing though is to set certain days that belong to you and you only and use those days for your GAL. Then your W can't say that you are neglecting family responsibilities.

I hope this is helpful, Rick.

Keep on, keeping on!