Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[Accuray]

I will go a step farther than Adinva -- don't give it to her, she doesn't want it. All it's going to do is make her feel worse and more responsible for your feelings, and she will resent you for that.

The scene in your mind where she reads your letter, suddenly has an epiphany and starts crying and apologizing is all Hollywood -- that won't happen.

Do write the letter, but write it for YOU, not her. Don't give it to her. One of the books I've read stresses the importance of not repeating yourself over and over because you're not getting the response or reaction you want. If you've told them once, and they aren't deaf, then they heard you and they know.

--Accuray

[witz10]

Happy 7 months Spearation today. Yippee lets get the streamers(Sarcasm)
Today was not that bad nothing really to report that got me upset or anything. I got my kids over night which is good I enjoy spending time with them. Really do miss seeing them everyday though.
At my sons gymnastics tonight I met another father who is currently going through a D. He is $50,000 in alreay, his wife is trying to get full custody. Took his house and everything. WHen he has the kids he has to buy all new she would not give him anything. Funny thing is he caught her with OM. We exchanged numbers to get together. While he and I were talking another guy walked up and he is also going through a divorce. What is with society these days. Someone in the relationship gets mildly upset and they are on the phone with an attorney. This really is too easy. Maybe they should put a cap on how long you should be married and say after 10 years you have to go under review to see if you can renew your vows. This is ridiculous. Even all the girls profiles I get on match.com they are all divorced. WTF

On a lighter note. My W posted on facebook that she needed help from her techy friends on how to get certain types of music onto her ipod. I told her what to do, if she listens to me I don't know. Guess her om is not tech savy. Only tech he knows how to use is the beer can tab. She could also type it in a search engine and read how to do it. Yea a little biter tonight. If I was there or if things were working out she would not have this problem and her ipod would work fine. But alas I am not. So to hell with it.

Good thing I have this place to rant and ramble or else I might be in a corner talking to myself.

So let me ask this how long do I wait before looking or knowing this is over. I mean the only contact we have with each other is through email or texting. Now that I have kids twice a week I won't see her till next friday or possibly sunday. Thought about seeing if she wanted to go to a movie down the line. I know there are one or two she would like. In the invite I would tell her she pays her way of course.

Saw this quote and just liked it made me smile.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”

[witz10]

I wrote the letter out and have not given it to her. After i was done i typed it up and sent it to my therapist. I felt that was better then sending it to her. Since i don't see her now i felt that would be counter productive. I know she knows where i stand and i guess with it being 7 months yesterday i was over thinking my feelings of anger and resentment. Now i am just waiting to get the separation agreement sent to me. Not looking fwd to that. Feel a little better about my relationship after speaking with a guy last night about his d.
Kids were with me and i had a great dream about us being back together i was so happy but alas just a dream of what i want.
As usual thank you for your input

[Autumn Leaves]

Writing out the letter was for you, so I am glad that you were able to get your feelings out like that. Sending to your therapist was a good move.

Is there a group in your area for those who are separated? I see others talking about support groups that they are going to, and I wonder if that may be helpful to you? Maybe one of the men you recently met who are going through a D will know?

Hang in there, and hope your Friday is good!

[witz10]

I put a question out to see if anyone was in the Philadelphia area. The man I met last night, sounds a little funny to me, he goes to a support group at his church. I don't go to church so this site and some old close friends are my support group.
I will have to say I find it interesting that you responded to my post. I was looking over what you wrote and saw you registered 11/01/11. My sons bday obviously not year. But ever since he was born my wife and I always looked up at clocks exactly at 11:11. So the past 7 months I have seen that and other things that make me think this is supposed to happen to strengthen our relationship. One time we got into a fight and when I got back home and was putting clothes away in my closet a magazine fell of top shelf and a picture of my W fell out.
These little things I notice for some reason also give me hope and make me sound like I am waked out of my gorde sitting here listening to pink floyd.
It was a good laugh though. Well needed.

Today my w asked me what I plan on taking out of out condo. Computer, clothes, pictures. I told her I really haven't thought of it honestly. I am staying in the basement of my mothers home so no place to put much.

So anyone believe in the power of 11:11 or astrology?
Oh the things we do.

Looked at another dating site, Jdate. Now I am jewish my W is not and I went on this site and remember why I married someone not jewish. Not looking forward to this. Hope I get one of the jobs I applied for.

[witz10]

picked up a copy of DR today. Guy at the register wished me luck.

Went out last night with two friends, one of them asked how long i have been separated. He said best remedy is to pick up a woman and take her to bed. This might be his style but not mine. He is also engaged and my other friend and i agree they won't last being married. He is just that tyoe of person.

I still have friends that think my w and i are done. I sometimes feel it to. But i think its not done till its completely over.
I have to decide what i want from my condo. Do i just take my clothes and computer. Since I staying at my mothers i really don't have a hell of a lot of places to keep things. I have some animation cels and a framed movie poster. I could take cooking knives but what am i doing with them. My dvds? I really have no clue cause all i want to do is get her back.

Still waiting to hear back from some job opportunities that i applied for. I still think if and when i change jobs my w will look at me differently since she doesn't think i will leave my families business.
Time will tell.
Its hard when you love someonw so much and still can envision a future with this person. I know if we can get through this we will grow old together.

[witz10]

I kind of get the feeling that I am holding onto a pipe dream.
I went up to my home this morning to pick up my daughter and bring her to work with me today. The woman that watches my daughter her little girl has a fever so better safe then sorry. I get a little extra time with my little girl.

While at my home I noticed my last picture that was in my old bedroom was taken down. This sort of gave me hope. I know this is, I guess in a way a set back I am not sure since there is nothing going on. The only pic of me up anywhere in my home is with my W and 3 friends from a wedding we were at last summer, as well as a family portrait she is taking down when she gets a new pic to put in there of kids.

She also went with kids and got a Christmas tree without me this past Friday. How did she get it home? She asked two of the drunks to go pick it up for her. Which they did happily.

This has been such a crappy year. I really can't even think of anything good coming out of it for us or for people we know. A friend of ours just lost his grandmother and just found out his father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. This is the couple that lost the baby over the summer. Such a bad year all around. I am still waiting to get a copy of the separation agreement to take to my attorney. Nothing as of yet.

Like I said in the previous post I picked up DR yesterday and didn't get a chance to look through it yet. When looking for it in the book store I saw a few other books for reconciliation, that gave me a little hope. I just don't know what to feel.
Am I holding onto something that is not there anymore trying to restart a fire with a damp match and no kindling?

If it works out then we will be stronger then before and nothing can come between this and that is what I want.

Still waiting to hear back from the jobs I sent my resume too. Keeping fingers crossed. If I can get a new job then that is one step in the right direction.

[MrBond]

There is hope but you have to get yourself out of the funk first. Take care of yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. That's the first step.

[dbmod]

Hi Witz-


Just jump to THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE. It will help you see how to go about things. Then look to Putting it all together (Carol's example)--it's from a woman's perspective, but I think it can give you hope. Then read the chapters on infidelity, midlife crisis and depression. Everything doesn't fit, but it gives you the perspective of how to deal with the LONG HAUL.

[dbmod]

Hi witz--

Just a little more-

Assume you have a WAW. Read Michele's article on this site. That means, from HER perspective (and if you want to save your marriage, you need to work from HER perspective), she has tried, tried tried, and she has HAD IT. That doesn't mean it seems true from your perspective, and there are folks here who will give you different advice. It's important to start there, because it gives you better chances. It tells you to LISTEN to what she wants, and it doesn't seem that you have done that. What she REALLY wants.

What does your wife really want:

1) for her life (monetarily, emotionally, socially, family-wise)

2) for her spouse and children (see above parameters)

3) what were the things at the beginning of your relationship that made her happy

4) what are the things that are bothering her now?



Sometimes the BEST place to practice DBing is not in your romantic relationship, but with your kids, or parents, or friendships or job.


So--in finding a job:

What is working, what is NOT working?

You have sent a bunch of resumes out, is that working? Does your resume need to change, does your approach need to change? What else could you do?