2TP - How did the visit with the L go. Any new developments in your sitch? How are you feeling, emotionally and physically?
Rick - the L visit was definitely worth it. It gave me clarity on how this would work. The L explained that with my wife's psychiatric sessions, meds, the A (and the proof I have), the fact that she dropped out of the M counseling, etc that I should be able to get her to leave and get physical custody of my youngest son should I decide to pursue a D.
Physically I am doing well, and ironically. The bomb really blew me away for a time and I lost so much weight it was scary, and from lack of food was constantly greying out. But, I stuck to my yoga, running and exercises and have come out in really good shape. Ironically, everyone keeps telling me how good I look, and my wife who is known for her beauty and looking 20 yrs younger than her age looks like hell. I knew I wasn't the only one who saw that when my oldest son told me she turned into Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars). Look, I take no joy in this. When I see her hurting or looking so blown away I die inside. I'm incredibly protective of her.
Emotionally is another story. The initial shock of the bomb back in March has worn off. I've gone through stages of horror, fear, deep sadness, pursuing, you name it. Currently I feel a oonstant sense of rage against my wife and the OM (my cousin). I would let her take as much time as she needs to get through her crisis but I am having such a silent battle with putting up with the A in the meantime. She has told me all along its not an affair, just a deep friendship but I'm not sure I believe it, in fact I can't find any way to believe I'm not being lied to. As it is, no one else believes her at all, inclusing my sons. Even if it isn't an A, her way of handling this by blowing off her family constantly and it's destructive effects on the family have not been enough to stop her. Frankly, if street justice was the norm of our times, this guy would be taken out so fast. Hey, I realize the OM is just the symptom but this guy is in my family. It's disgraceful.
2 TP - Sometimes I suppose pulling the trigger on the D may be the catalyst that is needed to get things moving. But have you tried everything there is? Have you used all the arrows in your quiver?
Rick - You know as far as arrows in the quiver go, I really haven't gone dark on her, really. Just here and there. I really have become her manservant in that I am there for her in every way possible because I love her and want this to work, but she is absolutely not there for me in any way.
I think my W is looking at everything I do as a way to find some evidence of my wrongdoing so that she can try and deflect what she has already done. This is the bind I'm in and Busto spoke about this to you on your recent thread. I feel like you do. If I go dark it will be easy for her to just let our M drift away for good. So staying connected to her feels like the only way to keep hope alive.
Her is where I really need some input. If I pursue it doesn't work. If I go dark and GAL she tries to find ways to find deception in my actions. I feel like if I go dark then I am just giving her ammo back at me even though I would not being doing anything that would threaten a M. That's why I am considering that I have to D her. If I GAL and go dark for a period then I lose the leverage I have to salvage my life, home and custody. Right now I can point to her many weekends away from us with the OM (and many other ways she has moved from the M). If I GAL and am not around she will just say that I am doing the same thing as her. I lose my leverage, which I don't want to do. What do you gentlemen think? I really need input on this. I don't want her to be able to cast doubt on me by my GAL activities. Not that they would be anything bad for a marriage but she tries to twist everything possible into that.
2TP - Your W is controling you and you need to take back that control from her. She is not willing to budge so you need to make a move...and stick to it! When she gets PO'd when you try to go dark, that is her exercising control. Since she is the one who initiated all this mess, you should simply remind her with a smile on your face and in your tone, that this is what she wants and so you are simply giving her space. Then leave the room. Don't engage any further. Let her scream, rant and rave, etc. Leave the house and go for a walk then go do your GAL activities.
Rick - you know you just may be right. I need to just move on, go dark (stick to it!) and "f" her if she needs to leave her family in her crisis. I'm not heartless and I would do anything for her, except sit around while she's with the OM, and really not trying to repair our M or family. I really don't want to divorce her but I guess I can try really and truly going dark. If it ends at least I have my [censored] together in the meantime.
I truly appreciate your help in this awful sitch. I wish the best for you in your M.
