New here; husband left

[CO1978]

I couldn't call what you did a backslide, you stood your ground, good job. I am a corrections officer (7 years) and can tell you first hand that job stress is unimaginable. I feel that played a good part of the demise of my marriage because I couldn't figure out how to deal with it. Keep going strong.

[myelw316]

Mishka,
how did you and your husband end up back together after a divorce? I am currently separated and I am really having a hard time...not as hard as the first month (it has been 2 months) but I feel like because I need to 'detach' and get a life to be able to function that I also get worried that the detaching will become permanent. My H says he wants a D, but he doesn't really act like it-well...he does in that he moved out Oct 4th, a couple weeks later stopped wearing his ring, but he wants to see me, go on dates, talk on the phone. I think he almost says things in a way that would 'restart' our marriage under different circumstances (i.e. him not being so passive and not speaking his mind and me not being as controlling/bossy) He is involved in an EA, for 3 months now...she lives 12 hours away and I am certain he hasn't seen her-he is a serious planner and wouldn't just jump in a car and go, when I told him Friday-Just go see her, get it out of your system (she is an exgirlfriend that he dated 20 yrs ago...we have been together for 18 years) He said 'NO!!' 'I am not going to be controlled...not by YOU not by HER I will use my OWN timetable not yours or hers'. But as he was saying that, I just got this gut feeling he is never going to see her and never wanted to see her...just wanted to unload his pent up anger about being passive and not speaking up. He talked to me a LOT the first month about things he 'stuffed down' and things I never knew and I apologized for my part in not being open to hearing him when he was nicely asking to see a marriage counselor (I had a 15 month old that STILL wasn't sleeping through the night and my H was feeling ignored and neglected and I was sleep deprived...she is now 2 1/2 and sleeps and I can see very clearly...through my older kids and husband that I had checked out in a BIG way for all of them).
I need some hope and to hear other people's stories of reconciling so I can keep my spirit up!

[TMC25]

Wow... I've never heard anyone in the law enforcement community admit that. It's usually the spouse saying that the job changed them. At least you know. Thts great. Thanks for the words of encouragement. So this question is for everybody... How much time passed before things started to turn around? I have a hard time w/ patience. I miss our old life together.

[verysad2day]

In my stich, things turned around the day I told him to leave (it took him 90 minites to get his things). That was almost 9 months ago. We were making steady progress and then I did said some stupid stuff. 9 months later, H calls/text 5 times a day. We spend most weekends together. Just today, he was making conversation to what "WE" should do to the laundry room, what "we" should do to this and that.....I thought he would would never leave. I love him, enjoy his company, love the sex, yet....yet....yet....not totally sure I am in love with him anymore. Once I got out of my fear place and really GAL, that is when things changed, Hell, he even went totally out of his way to find the doll that I wanted for my granddaughter. He would have NEVER done that a year ago...NEVER!!!!!!

[myelw316]

Boy, isn't that the million dollar question! I am having the EXACT same issue!! I look for the same time line questions and the 'how long until we reconcile'..it's encouraging to hear so many stories of people that have worked through this. There are lot of people out there who have worked through it. I found a different site before I stumbled on this one-the other is talkaboutmarriage.com and there is a 'considering separation or divorce' and a 'going through separation or divorce' section of the site where it is a forum like this....lots of people work it out. One lady there had a very similar situation to mine and it was he left Oct 13th and home by christmas eve. A lot...the majority...take 6 months to a year. Some at 3 months. It seems an UNBEARABLE time frame to me, though I thought I couldn't make it 2 weeks and here it is 2 MONTHS and he isn't back yet. But if I look back from where we WERE 2 months and even a month ago, we've made major progress.
There are 3 things that I have found I ABSOLUTELY must stick to for there to be progress between us:
1. I cannot ask him questions
2. I cannot pursue him in any way. He MUST be the pursuer.
3. I ONLY focus on the good.
When you are in the beginning of this crap it HAS to be this way.
Don't get me wrong...I've had many slip ups, but these 3 things have improved things over the last couple months more than anything.
He cannot be 'controlled' 'pressured'...I even screwed up Friday by texting him 'if you are interested in getting together this weekend let me know so I can set aside some money'. (we have a lot of financial problems, so it seemed reasonable...and also, I really wanted to plan on seeing him and he hadn't mentioned it yet. )
Often he'll say 'well, I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the fights if you want to go' THAT'S and INVITATION. You take what you get and you have fun and capture the best parts of what your marriage was...there will be plenty of time down the road to 'work' on issues once the feelings are stable and the desire to fix things is back.
I may need to do the whole 'going dark'/last resort/no contact with him, but I believe he's in a mid life crisis (and emotional affair and financial issues and we have a 2 year old...which has been a trigger for EA before for him a couple times....I tend to ignore him too much for the baby)...so with a midlife crisis you can't really push the envelope as much with the whole no contact, because the mlc can sometimes just last a long time and you can't speed it up so much.

[mishka422]

TMC - A girl after my own heart! I'm a RABID Packers fan! GO PACK GO!

You wanted to know how long it took to get back together? Every case is so different but mine took an actual D, the OW deciding that my XH was not 'providing' for her in the manner she expected him to, and a few other blow ups along with me getting my own life, not reacting to him in any way, and not expecting anything at all from him as well as 2.5 years after the bomb.

Like I said, not every sitch has a timeline, not every R can be salvaged, and not every R should be salvaged.

You have a strange circumstance with your H being so pushy and rushing this D. It really makes me wonder what his issue is. Something is driving him.....I hate to say.....possibly someone is driving him.

[TMC25]

Mishka I know!!!! I want to know what it is to!!!! It's so strange. It was so sudden. It was few months of strange behavior and then I'm done. I still cant believe it. I'm not really sure how to treat him at this point. Should I complement him to "build him up", which he responds well to, ignore him, be indifferent, cold, I'm not sure. Where do I go from here??

[Accuray]

How much time passed before things started to turn around?

There's no rule. If OM/OW is involved, everything is prolonged until that fizzles out. While it's going on, all you can do is tread water and not push WAS farther away.