PA - Confirmed - Blinkers are off.

[2thepoint]

OK Peter, I've just got to say this, so please bear with me...

2 days ago there was evidence that your detaching was begining to bear fruit. Your W drew closer to you in bed and slept close to you the entire night, then you had sex or something the next morning.

Then she realizes what happened and she pulls away, which we all know is normal in these situations. So she gets snippy because she is frightened and confused. And you get frightened because you feel her pulling away again.

So what do you do? You push her further away by engaging her in a confrontation that doesn't end well and solidifies in her mind that the D is the right course of action for her at this time.

Remember I wrote this to you the other day: "Think of it like trying to start a small fire with a single match. You got it to light and you know it needs oxygen to burn. But if you blow on it too hard, you will extinguise the flame. Stop blowing so hard!"

I know you know this but what you did was douse the flame with a bucket of water. Now what has to happen is the wood needs to dry out and you need to find another match (GAL). That is going to take awhile. So realize this, go dim, GAL and keep looking for those signals.

When they come, just make a mental note of them but do nothing different. If/when your W is ready to come around, she will tell you. I really don't tink you will be able to goose this along. She has to come in her own time and in her own way.

Hang in there, Peter. I'm rooting for you! Really!

[OmegaZed]

Peter,

Definitely back off now. That wasn't a backslide, that was an avalanche to the past. A while back I believe Telemark said it best...you need to shut up lol.

Continue to DO YOU. Leave your wife alone. Let her do as she pleases. She's going to be subconsciously testing you without realizing it and you need to act as if none of this bothers you and its just about you and your kids. Be the best father you can be. End of story.

[NYCPeter]

I've been trying to go dark as best I can with children.

Friend's W told me last night that my W is definitely filing in Jan, she's already paid the L the retainer and she just wanted to get the holiday's over with.

Little bit of journaling -

Sunday, I apologized to my W for the outburst, she apologized for coming home @ 4:00am and admitted it was a catalyst. I spent the rest of Sunday keeping the girls entertained - my W disappeared for a couple of hours, I didn't ask where she went or who she was with.

Monday - D9 had a minor procedure, I worked from home and took D6 to school, I then cooked dinner for the family and ended up meeting a friend in a bar for MNF.

Yesterday - arrived home from work, read stories to the girls and put them to bed, W and I then watched "Bull Durham" - Susan Sarandon was so sexy in that movie.... I sat on the couch and typically my W would sit in a chair - she sat next to me on the couch which was unusual.

No contact either in bed and no pecks on the cheek or anything like that - she's definitely not initiating any contact and I'm not pursuing.

I am working on a software release tonight and staying in the company apartment and we then have a staff holiday party tomorrow night. My W told me she is working double shifts over the weekend, so I won't really see her until Monday.

I'll keep myself busy with the girls over the weekend.

[Autumn Leaves]

Sounds like the perfect time to have some work to keep you busy, and a nice perk to have the company apartment to give you some space.

Try to enjoy your girls over the weekend!!

[NYCPeter]

Feeling very down tonight.

Haven't seen W since Tues night and will see very little of her over the weekend as she is working double shifts. Noticed on the home computer - she's logged into my account (it's connected to our joint account) and jotted down all the major transactions over the last year (I'm sure her L has asked her to do this).

Lovely - she's the one who has caused us financial stress and had OM and she's checking up on me. I almost want to laugh.
I know of at least one secret bank account, though I have no idea how much she has there.

I really never knew she could be like this - part of me wants to give up, then I get hugs and kisses from the girls before they go to bed and it reminds me - I want my family to be together full-time. Why does someone else get to dictate that I can't be a full-time dad to my girls. I'm penalized for going out and working and because we agreed my W should be the stay at home parent, she'll get primary custody. It's really not fair on my girls and it's not fair on me.

[Rick1963]

Who said your W will not get custody? If she is out drinking who will watch them? Don't hGive er all the power it is not that simple. Keep a journal as to when she leaves and when she gets home and in what condition. Do not give up

[NYCPeter]

She'll get custody because I have no family here and with my D9's needs - we need someone who can help locally when I'm at work.

Also as my W hasn't worked full-time for 9 years we need my salary, healthcare etc.

I can't change jobs for more flexibility (read less $$$) because courts will impute my prior 3 year earnings.

[NYCPeter]

Well W came home last night, I have no idea what time.

Woke up this morning - I aksed W how was work, she says fine, busy.
I take the dog for a walk - there is a parking ticket on the windscreen wiper of the car (she obviously didn't notice), parking for downtown NYC. So she didn't go to work last night - she went out in the city.

I came back from walking the dog - and asked if she had a good night in the city, and left the parking ticket on the counter.

Nothing else said - she's gone to work a double shift at the restaurant (supposedly, but who knows). I can't stand all these lies and deception - I think for my sanity I am better off just finishing this, in one sense it will very much be a relief.

[Accuray]

Hi NYCPeter,

You kind of threw it in her face there. That's not going to make her feel good about interacting with you. Better to let that lie -- leave the ticket on the car and don't say anything. She will do and say what she wants and you can't control that. Catching her in a lie and rubbing her nose in it doesn't help your cause.

She really doesn't owe you partnership until she tells you she wants to reconcile. As to whether she owes you honesty? Unfortunately if she tells you she wants out of the relationship she doesn't owe you that either. It would be nice if she were honest for herself, and you have a right not to want to interact with someone who is not honest. That's your choice. You can go dark if the dishonesty bothers you. If she wants to interact, tell her that honesty is important to you and let her decide how to behave -- but be prepared that she may not want to be honest with you right now. It is your choice how you want to react to that.

Accuray

[antlers]

Catching her in a lie and rubbing her nose in it doesn't help your cause.

Neither does being a doormat. If she blatantly lies to you, there is nothing wrong with you letting her know that she lied. Try not to take it personal though. People don't respect others who let them treat them like doormats.