I hope you don't think I'm a jerk here, but I see something totally different.
First, you think it was a good session. Why? Because you got what you wanted and you didn't get scolded for snooping.
Then, as 25M points out, you paint yourself and more importantly paint your W into a situation SHE CANNOT WIN. So how is that successful?
Haven't we been here before. I mean how many time did she promise not to talk to OM. How many times did she break that promise? Why do you think it's suddenly different because MC sets the boundary? heck even you seem doubtful.
Originally Posted By: jake999
Let's hope it sticks this time.
Also, I have yet to see anything from you on why the affair happened. I mean she flat out told you this..
Originally Posted By: jake999
She said that the OM filled a need of attention she had since she had stopped talking to me.
What was your take on it?
Originally Posted By: jake999
I don't really get that because she wouldn't need his attention had she not stopped talking to me.
You need to explore this more. Instead it sounds like you push the blame to her instead of taking any responsibility.
As for the snooping. I looks like the MC gave you an out. I hate to say this, but I guarantee you will snoop again unless you are proactive about it. Snooping DOES NOT BUILD trust. I'd suggest, and what worked for me is that for a while, your W be more open about what she's doing. Like if she's on the phone, or text she could just say something like 'I'm texting my friend.' Or if she goes somewhere she tells you. Those things help more than think.
I do part ways with the MC though. I don't think you need to keep asking her and asking her about the A. It really serves no good purpose.
I think after a couple times it shows that you just think she's lying (you do think she's lying) and it will just continually show that you don't trust her answers. Why would she want to be with someone who distrusts her so much?
If you decide to ask her about A - make it a one time thing so she won't be fearful you will throw it up in her face every time you have a future argument. Then LET IT GO.
Whether something happened or not. You can't change that now. What you can do is look toward the future and you can't do that looking back at her A.
I'm not all a downer, it was good that your W brought up the A to the MC. Although, you should have as well.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
you never did explore what she said about her needs not being met.
You actually blamed her, in effect, for not talking to you and therefore you didn't pay attention to her...
Really? Is that how you see it? it's HER fault for feeling that you didn't pay attention to her and your explanation is that yes, you did not pay attention to her BUT that's her fault b/c she shut you out first...? hmmm
Snooping will NOT help YOU or the sitch. Be done with it. Do a real 180, one that matters a lot.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25- I just recently stumbled on these boards and don't know your story, but it says 'piecing' ? 7/07 and was wondering what that means. Also your marriage was restored on 8/08...is it in trouble again and how did you get it restored? My husband moved out on Oct 4th. He has been in an EA with exgirlfriend he looked up online since Aug 22nd. She lives 12 hours away and it is all phone/text (but for hours since 8/22) and a LOT since he moved out...I have stopped looking at the phone records b/c it is too painful. I did an attitude 180 and stopped the begging/pleading and we had a great 3 weeks, but he turned it around on Wednesday when I asked if he'd meet me from 9-10:30 and then friday I mentioned us getting together this weekend. I knew better...if I initiate ANYTHING it backfires. He told me friday that he still wants divorce, blah blah blah... His attitude and actions of the last 3 weeks don't really support his words. I think he called the ex in the first place b/c he hasn't made any money (commission-only job that he used to make a LOT at and has made nothing since july). He feels like a failure. He moved out the day before his 39th birthday, which was also the week his partner at work (and wife) left for the 'council trip'...paid for by work, because his partner earned enough money to get the trip. I think the bday and the not getting in council put him over the edge. My gut keeps telling me he is punishing me because over the years if I am REALLY upset, I resort to yelling 'I want a divorce' and he brings that up all the time now. I have gotten IC and I have worked out that problem of mine as well as my tendency to be controlling and micromanage him (out of fear that he'll have an EA with someone...it's happened before and he has always worked through it. Incidentally it happend in the past when we had our 2 yr old daughter, pregnant with our 3rd child, then when our 3rd child was 2, NOW we have a 2 year old again! and AGAIN an EA...this is the first time I have known WHILE it is going on, so he couldn't hide it from me or the kids and he moved out) I am devastated and want this to still work out...pls don't tell me why I shouldn't. I am recognizing that I have directly contributed to his EA...he had stopped all behavior for 8 years (our kids are 16, 13, 10 and 2) and the pregnancy, infant, toddler stage triggers his loneliness and feeling emotionally isolated and I do tend to be 'consumed' with the baby when I have one. I really thought I could handle my hormones and my actions differently this time and I didn't ) how did you managed to 'piece' and restore things?
Are all of the private messages disabled? I am new to this forum and it won't let me send pm's
Accuray, I believe my husband may have had the EA with the exgirlfriend as an 'exit affair' as well. He seems to not be interested in pursuing seeing her and seems to mostly be unloading negative baggage about me onto her. How did you get to the point of starting to reconcile?
Also, 25years....I thought I tried to ask you something similar somewhere, but I have no idea where it posted...this forum is confusing me, so I am going to save this page on my computer.
My husband left (moved a mile away into bedroom at his mom's...he's 39) and left me and our 4 kids in our home. He was involved in (still is a little) EA and mainly the issue is he is the only one working and has made no money in a long time and we've used up savings and I think he is freaked out. I started babysitting and selling on Ebay...doing what I can to bring in money, but he still isn't coming back yet and it's been a couple months. Says he wants a divorce but he's talking and acting like he wants to reconcile....UNLESS I ask question or push seeing him...then he backs off. I think this is a mid life crisis. He moved out the day before his 39th bday (which was the same week his work partner and his wife left for a free trip paid for by their employer...my husband always earned the trip in the past-for our whole family of 6- and I think he feels like a failure for not earning it and us having to sell our dream home we built from scratch. I could care less about the home and vacation...I have said it a million times...I love him and want HIM not stuff. UGH PLEASE tell me your stories of reconciliation and how it seemed right before the reconciliation. I need hope and also to know if I am reading things correctly. Is it possible he could maintain wanting a divorce but act like he is in love and wanting to repair our marriage? I think he felt too devoted/dependent on me. And like I was bossy. I have gotten Individual counseling and worked a LOT on my issues...about a month before he moved out thru now.
Accuray, would you tell me your 'story'...how you have gotten to the point of reconciling? My husband left 2 months ago and I need hope....seems to help me keep positive when I read that others have gotten to the reconciling point. Not too many people post about it...maybe once it happens they stop coming to these type of websites?
