I'm confused, I'm hurt, I feel betrayed and this isn't something that can be fixed quickly. To try to fix it quickly will virtually set us up for failure. IIIII need to take this really slow. I have to see the things I need to see IN you, just as you need to see the things you want in me. That... THAT takes time. Trust takes time.
Fixing this can't be done like a microwave. It needs to be slow and steady.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
:))) funny example, but yes, for sure I need him to understand, and really he has no other choice but to understand.
Me: 28 H: 40 Together: 10yrs Married: 6 yrs OW, ILYBNIL: june15/ 2011 I moved out/ ow moved in: nov 2nd/2011 H and ow no longer live together: may 1/2012
And it's the best chance for success. They HAVE to do the work. Otherwise, they're destined to make the same mistakes over and over again.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Hello, h keeps calling several times a day, trying to spend time with me with some luck. Looks like he wants to adopt his "let's just forget about what happened and move on" fixing method as he always does, but not addressing things doesn't mean they never happened, especially this time. He called me lots of times today, asked again to reconcile.. Every time he does the time or place is not appropriate to discuss it, but this time I managed to tell him that if he really wants to he should finish whatever he has going on with ow, but I also told him its not something I ask of him to do as I'm not sure I want to reconcile, it's just something that must be done in order for me to even consider and until that happens he should just stop askingme because it's annoying.
I don't feel like I have the strength or the will to reconcile right now anyhow... But I should add that for the first time this whole mess started the other night I was reading some posts in the piecing section.. I could be there if I wanted to.. But right now I cant, I'm not reay and I don't think he is. I also read on here somewhere that men in mlc demand to have options and maybe he's just thorn right now because I'm not as available as he'd like me to..
But despite that all I've ordered the book his needs her needs and I'm planning on giving it to him for Christmas after I've read it.. Seems like a great book and can't wait to get it.
Me: 28 H: 40 Together: 10yrs Married: 6 yrs OW, ILYBNIL: june15/ 2011 I moved out/ ow moved in: nov 2nd/2011 H and ow no longer live together: may 1/2012
To be honest, since my H and I had that heart felt on Thurs. His attitude has changed towards me. Much more affectionate. Seemingly more goal oriented about getting his daughter with me in the picture.
That said, I'm still really weary. I KNOW like you, that it's men's default position to want to just "lets forget it" and move on. When you come right down to it though: What we've seen here from men who've had WAWs, it seems that only THEN is there a real motive to look inward and do what's necessary. I'm translating that to our WAH's... they too need to own their responsibility to the mess. AND make amends.
Since I've been the route of "lets just move on" and am now living the replay of a man who's had very minimal grasp of the damage he's done... the hurt he's caused and what this is doing to me this time.
I know though too that Fertel's book does make a point where you do need common ground before you can start to work problems. Nobody wants to try to get back together only to fight, fight, fight, and live open wounds.
To it's a balancing act that only you will know how weave through, based on both yours and your H's personality and needs.
Cheers Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Ride the wave you are on. You are really thinking about yourself and what YOU want, what is good for YOU. "You go girl" kind of spirit! He messed up big and you are being very conscientious in how to move forward. Good for you. You are a good example here!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Me: 28 H: 40 Together: 10yrs Married: 6 yrs OW, ILYBNIL: june15/ 2011 I moved out/ ow moved in: nov 2nd/2011 H and ow no longer live together: may 1/2012
Thanks vc, but I must add that while I handled it well at the moment I'm far from the end still. If he was to follow through with his new love and I'd be happily single with a new life that would be great, but he isn't happy and from the looks of it pretty much expects me to go back to him.. So far I haven't and I told him (when he came by the other night) that no, he can't sleep over or as a matter of fact stay any longer, or call me 10 times a day and out of 10 calls ask at least 2-3 times if I want to get back together. Ow is still there but the love or magic of it is pretty much gone I think, she seems to be out a lot with friends and h said he had told her that he wants me back as I'm more important to him than her. Yet she is still there.. Two days ago (I think) when I told him to give me a break from he constant calls and everything as its not working, I'm not feeling more in love with him and it's not helping his situation. He said it was fine, he will not call me until Christmas so I can decide. I can't remember if it was the next day or the same day he texted me.. Then called yesterday so I asked if it was Christmas yet.. Long story short.. He is in touch constantly and I'm not sure if I should go no contact.. It would be hard this month, having the same friends we are invited to a few parties so going dark and seeing him at one of these wouldn't be the best but I try to avoid him if I can or today and yesterday I just told him I was busy and let him go.. I can't even test if I'd miss him because he calls all the time.. I guess it's somewhere a good sign but just too much at the moment.
Me: 28 H: 40 Together: 10yrs Married: 6 yrs OW, ILYBNIL: june15/ 2011 I moved out/ ow moved in: nov 2nd/2011 H and ow no longer live together: may 1/2012
You are now like the WAW, and the tables have turned on him. He doesn't like how it feels any more than you did. He is contacting you even though you asked him to stop constantly calling and texting because he is feeling like so many of us did when it all started. Is he thinking that telling you that he told ow he wants you back should be enough for you to get back with him? Maybe not have zero contact, but a lot less would be good.
I think the signs are good, but like you said, it's way too early to really tell what will happen. I mean, ow hasn't been disposed of, and who knows when that will happen.
Should be interesting at the parties you both attend. vc
