Need HOPE & Advice

[Coyote]

"The Chaplain can’t understand why my W won’t consider MC & why she seems in such a rush to walk away from a 17 year M...The Chaplain can’t understand why my W won’t consider MC & why she seems in such a rush to walk away from a 17 year M "

Sounds like his heart is really in the right place (no doubt!) but with this type of thing it needs experience.

For myself, the first counsellor I had was really good at helping me deal with the shock of the situation (bless his heart!) Needed that. However, he had no idea how to deal with my W's behaviour. The next counsellor was W's councellor. She was good at rooting stuff out but unfortunately was also inexperienced in dealing with this type of eratic behaviour. She even said so in one of our one-on-one sessions.

The best one I had was actually a Canadian chaplain who had been posted in Afghanistan. He had dealt with this n' that but he had his hands full with failing marriages. Took only one session with him and I was back on track. (Yes, cat's out of the bag. I'm a Canadian soldier. Just haven't been posted abroad. Hats off to you for serving your country there, not an easy place to be...)

In short, he put forward there's no magical cure when a S gets like this, nothing you can do. They have sorting out to do. You just have to do the best you can sorting yourself out. Fix any failings with yourself out. Don't try to force yourself in a better direction, 'Point' yourself in a better direction, otherwise you may get discouraged. Make yourself an attractive target for W. A soft place to land. If W sorts 'some' things out then good to go. You don't need everything, just the stuff that makes it tick. If not, and WAS refuses, you did you're best. That's it in a nutshell. (Jeepers, that guy could start a talk show...anyway)

"I told him that if he wants to know why she won’t consider MC, maybe he should ask… & maybe he should ask her why she is in a rush to dissolve a 17 yr marriage. He wants to know—maybe she will give him an answer, maybe he will convince her to agree to see him for MC before bailing on the M."

You did a good thing on asking him to hold off on pressuring her about that. Do 'way' more damage than good. I would just ask him to say, as you said, to "let her know that I’m doing fine, and that I’m actually adjusting to the situation.' Leave the heavy lifting for when you're back. This is where you get your chance to shine! From what I can see you're prepared. Nothing more you can really do until you connect with W again. Hang tight.

"The Chaplain can’t understand why my W won’t consider MC & why she seems in such a rush to walk away from a 17 year... "

As I said to another, a number of WAS's minds may 'oscillate' between a number of things, confusion, anger, some fear, even sadness. Every few minutes even, Not a good thing to get into their mind, nasty, just good to understand their thoughts cycle among a number of things It's a good thing to stay in you're own mind. Just be supportive, understanding, and loving. (Sure, let 'em know when they're not being nice and leave it at that. Sounds like you've been doing that..)

"I would love to see a mc but my w said that it's too late"

Why not see one yourself, why not? If W won't go, go anyway. If the counsellor is good, awesome. If not the greatest, at least you got to vent a bit. Like a dancer you change your step. The other has to follow or be left behind.