Has anyone ever recovered from a sitch this bad?

[gonnawinherback]

Hi, newbie here. I'vd read DR and have worked with a DB coach, but new to the forum.

My sitch: W & I met 9 yrs ago, friends first, then dated for several months before buying a house together. Proposed, unplanned pregnancy, eventually married, then second kid. So, T8, M5, D6 (son) and D2 (daughter). Last two years of M distant - I blamed pregnancy & brstfeeding at the time but now know I was huge part of problem.

W is westcoast stoic - practical, unemotional (repressed), pass/agress, w/ unhealthy dependence on family of origin. Her parents in a long term disfunctional M. W HATES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS. Very non-verbal. Avoids conflict at all costs. Loves the silent treatment and withholding affections as means of control.

Me - eastcoast loud, agressive, emotional, sentimental. Love to talk everything to death. Can be reactionary. Have a very hard time leaving anything alone - want to fix it NOW. Extremely comfortable with conflict. (How else do you fix stuff, right? Parents divorce when I was 12 - worst time of my life til now. Believe there is no such thing as too much love.

M was coming apart a year ago, but we made it to spring. W shut down to me - hardly spoke except for logistics, and sex was lacking. I got angry and demanding. Tried C, but incomp we saw started recommending D by 3rd visit - seriously.

Should probably back up. When W pregnant w/second D, I struck up a friendship w/neighbors. Developed into an EA w/ the wife, but I didn't recognize until just few days ago. W did, complained, but I protested my innocence because it wasn't a PA so must be OK, right? Know better now. So she shut down and I complained.

Incomp C made me so depressed at possibility of ever having a good M that I blurted out the D-word in May. Took it back a week later, but too late. Mid June W gives me an entire divoce packet ready to go. Had a lawyer and everything. Had to take me to court to kick me out two weeks later.

Cried, begged, pleaded for second chance for a few weeks. W severely restricted my access to my kids, who are my world, and that pain/anger mixed in with the rest. W wouldnt speak to me, made me go through lawyer. Mid-August I finally backed off. Early Sept W finally does something nice - invites me to family home for pics before D6 first day of Kindergarten. W wore very special dress she knew I liked and did her hair up same as wedding. Wanted to say something, but had just started going dim and didn't. Thanked her for letting me be part of the day.

October went badly. Finally had to respond to legal paperwork. Except for first day of school, W was inflexible and limited my access to our kids as means to hurt me. I attacked W's mental and emotional stabilty in legal docs, which I now know may have sealed the D.

Halloween - W posts on FB that she is in a relationship w/OM. Never heard of him before. His FB profile is pic of him w/my wife!! His interests are women and beer, and post of pics of them in bars. W looks smashed in most.

Tell W she 'broke my heart' w/ FB post. Seems to generate positive feedback. Conversationsa get friendlier. Best was over an hour on phone, best talk we've had in yrs.

Then the worst. I've been living like a troll the past 5 mo, in a friends spare room. Kids and I all together. Finally found ideal rental close to family home. Tell W, and next day she announces she's moving in w/OM! In 2 weeks - 10 days before Xmas! With our 2 young kkds, w/ a guy she barely knows! And I get the family home.

Went to court yesterday to try to stop it. Judge denied emergency order, set hearing for 13th. W will have move done by then. I made sure to focus on situation, didnt attack her. But she is shut down, making me go through lawyer again.

Monday night I called W before the court stuff started to get it out there before things went sideways (which I knew they would when we went back to court.) I acknowledged the EA and apologized. I told her how good she looked on the first day of school. And I told her that the long conversation we had in October reminded me of the girl I fell in love with. I told her I missed that girl and hadnt seen her in a longtime, but I would move mountains for her. I know all this may have not been DB smart, but its something I felt I had to do

Any stories about successful reconcilliations from a situation this bad? Would love to hear them. Could use a reason to be optimistic.