I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over a back slide. I have "back slid" several times and it isn't the end of the world. If your H is lost in the fog, I swear...they likely don't even remember the conversation the next day. I think if you get back on track, you are fine. My H and I have continued to make progress "despite" my R talks with him. I agree though, the R talks don't lead to much and they often hurt more than they help.
I also think that NEVER talking about issues or the A is impossible and if I was the cheating spouse...I would wonder if you cared or had the dignity to stand up for yourself. Hopefully you can get into some more productive counseling sessions at some point. I agree with Abbey though..your H sounds like he's impossible to deal with right now.
Hang in there and try to focus on yourself and what you can control. I know that's where I am and it's really hard but we have to do it.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Weekend with no kids!... Im going to get the house in order (all the stuff from moving out of our "family home" is everywhere) and get xmas decorations out before the boys are back sunday..also going to make a point of getting together with friends.
Im fed up with being sad..ugg!!!.. want to just erase it from my mind for as long as i can... Thanks guys for all the encouragement..ive really needed it lately..you guys are the best!!..:)
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I need some advice on this whole "going dark" thing... first..If im going completley dark, which is what I think i need to do, how do I handle the pick ups..last night H was here as we pulled up and as I got out of the truck I just said "hey whats up" and went in the house..should i make sure we dont even run into each other at these times or just say hello and leave it at that? I still get alot of anxiety when i have to see him and im afraid he can tell...its hard to make eye contact and im sure i come off as defensive even just saying hello....
also..S14 started texting me right away that his D was being being mad and grouchy already. I assumed it was because he had to wait for us so I sent a text saying "sorry you had to wait, dont be mad at S it was my fault"..he answered no problem at all and then started with the funny chat he always does but I did not respond. this is a on going thing with S14 whenever he is with H he text me the whole time. Im thinking i should not respond at all and leave them to there time. and Im thinking i shouldnt have text H about being mad...let them work it out amongst thereselves... Im going on the thought that I should have NO CONTACT with him unless it involves finances or S14 and even then, only if its an emergency...does that sound right?? and from now on in the Co parenting sessions if anything at all comes up other then S14 im going to change the subject back to S14, and if that doesnt work im going to sit and say nothing. she is taking the approach that we need to work on our R so that we can be better co parents..I think at this point it is making it worse.
i would love some advice or examples of how others have done the going dark, last resort method...Im feeling so much stronger lately so I know im ready to get seriouse about this. went to christmas party at my gym last night and was a lot of fun, it really the first time ive been out since discovering the OW and everyone was happy to see me. Today Im going to my S21 special olympics bowling tournament and then busy day of cleaning and getting xmas decorations out.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Dark and Dim do work. Consistency being the thing I found that worked best. I allowed mine to phone me... but no more midnight visits.
I did the "Friend" thing, so he confided in me about everything he was dealing with, with the OW. It wasn't easy,... BUT... it did help with finding out what I was dealing with, with his emotions, and what his interactions with the OW were like. And how to figure out what I needed to say and not say when he professed his love for me. (I did break down and slip some of those times... but we all do , and as others have said, they won't remember for long.)
Initially go "darker" if you plan to go dim. (With kids, I think dim is about the best you might be able to do.)
Set up a set of rules for yourself. Write them down. I will do this, but not that. EG: respond to his texts but not initiate them. Will always answer his texts about kids, but will take 30 mins to respond to anything else. If at all.
Set yourself up with your own "DB" text rule hand book. Keep the responses short. Same with phone calls, and interactions. It's amazing what you can "do" when you actually take time to think through what you hope to accomplish, AND how you intend to accomplish it.
I had a post it note on my bathroom mirror that said: Stay Calm. I made a post it cork board with pics of my goals.
Go back through some of your threads and jot down the interactions you found difficult. When you're away from the sitch, you can think calmly and assess what would have worked better for YOU. Eg: Short answers. Long explanations are wasted on them... their brains can't grasp them right now anyway etc.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Set yourself up with your own "DB" text rule hand book.
Yeah, what she said! Abbs, I like that!
Yesterday, on someone else's thread, I linked a great example of a guy who went dark. I don't know if we are supposed to do that. I'll go see if it was edited off. It was a great play-by-play example of real going dark. The guy had had it, so he was basically done. That's about as dark as you can get. The W turned around.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Awesome MZ, I'm going to go read it. We all need extra help and pointers when you are stuck in a mini-sitch where you don't know if you need to weave left or weave to the right.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
He definitely had his own "DB rule hand book" and he stuck to it. He spoke about his GAL and his own 180s.
In my own example, while I was working to get H away from ow, I ALWAYS waited for H to text, call, or e-mail me,
180- BUT I always responded with funny loving things because my 180 was to pursue. I'd stop by his office on my way home from the hospital after an overnight to have a coffee with him.
GAL-I bought some really nice clothes and always looked hot. I was getting a lot of male attention from others too and that wasn't bad for my self-esteem.
It all starts to come together when you work the DB program.
"Make a plan while you can, sit back and take it easy."
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!!...LOL! im at my sons special olympics tourny were he is kicking booty and taken names...:) H text me this morning and said he had more papers to sign for the house and could we do it today....i waited 30 min. And responded..cant today, tomorrow maybe?.....normally i would drop everything and come runnen but this is my weekend dang it...im busy!! I just came from Walmart wete i got a text from S14, we r here, saw your truck in parking lot...normally i would find them and say hello...i got the hell out of there...feeling pretty proud of myself today...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
