First post, words of wisdom needed

[25yearsmlc]

Sunshine

Welcome to a great place to be for a lousy reason. Just a few suggestions about GAl b/c your driving around and seeing a movie alone, won't cut it

by a long shot.

While living in Alaska, with LONG winters and a newborn, these are things I did to cope with the darkness and later on

when my h's MLC came along, I made similar efforts. You won't be "comfortable" at first, but you are hardly comfy now, so don't forget that.

And unlike being miserable and rejected, the GAL WILL NOT be something you regret...trust me, I pushed my boundaries a lot with this. And I was ALWAYS glad I did, once I got myself there.

Overcoming inertia will be your biggest challenge. Do it.

Here's a few things I can think of and only a few cost much.

Volunteered at a woman's shelter

and then got on the Bd of Directors (resume value)

Took flying lessons/got a pilot's license'

auditioned for community theater and soon got cast

Did stand up comedy (I now write comedy as a second source of income, (well yes, I'm damn funny)

took a pottery class (true desparation on my end, but fun)

worked out A LOT and got in great shape

tanning booth, you'd never know I lived in Alaska

saw a therapist and took meds in the winter

learned to seriously fish

learned how to truly shoot - we had bears and wolves nearby, literally. Felt empowering, actually.

Took archery lessons

learned to cross country ski, and snowmachine

joined the Wives Club (far exceeded expectations)

went to church

Took a class in poetry and then joined a writer's group

(which lead to script writing and then a playwright festival)

played softball, then coached a girl's team

volunteered for children's GATE classes and field trips

taught kids to read

volunteered for Boy's Wrestling Teams Fund raisers (son was on team, but still, who knew I could do that?)


Thing is, you MUST MEET NEW PEOPLE....you will note that most of these activities involved others.

that is KEY...

and will help your esteem go up, your loneliness go down and you will also be networking. And since you need a job....

Since you are already in school, what are your classmates like?

Anyone interesting for friendship? Friends also help how we appear to our spouses and make us less needy

Have you told your partner how you feel about the way you changed and how you are glad for the wake up call, no matter how things go, b/c you prefer being happy to being not so fun?

I ask only to see if she knows that you "get it" as far as what you are working on.

But not to suggest that you ask her for feedback b/c then your changes will appear to be tactics,

rather than changes you are really making b/c you want to make them and they are sincere and permanent.

Make sense?

Do NOT initiate R talk or ask if she thinks that you are all better and improved now...

simply BE your best self, but if she brings things up from the past, you can say

"well Partner, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

this "owns" that you see the need for changes and it does not escalate or argue but also does not make you a doormat.

If she OVER revises things, and she may, then say "Wow, I sure don't recall it that way but I'm sorry if you were hurt."

That also does not escalate or make you a doormat OR argue with her.

I found those to be the most simple and helpful for me when my h revised things so much I sometimes thought he was talking about another couple. I mean it...and there are at least some things he said, which were outrageous at the time

that he does not remember. I believe him. So that happens too. Don't buy ALL the stuff she blames you for.

Good luck, it's not hopeless. How is your r with her family? And hers?

Please consider Sandi's advice about the holidays. That's a LONG time to be alone at a lousy time of year, no matter what religion you are.


Check out Valeska's thread or Inshock's b/c they are in similar situations as yours. Both women have made such journeys!!

You will survive this.

((( )))