First post, words of wisdom needed

[sandi2]

Do you have any family other than your spouse? Christmas can be a lonely time and to think about her going out of state without you, could be very difficult even if the R did not have problems. Have you ever been with her when she went to visit her family?

So far my 180 is absolutly no sulking in front of her. I have been happy and upbeat. I have gone out a couple of times this week by myself just to get out of the house. I really don't know what else I could or should be doing.

I think you need to like yourself first. No matter how hard you try to be upbeat around her, if you don't like yourself then that ultimately will be what brings you down. I suggest you make a list of the things you dislike in yourself. From that list, mark through the ones that are completely impossible to change (for example....if you're 5'10" then you can't change to 5'2".) Out beside each of the things you've listed that you don't like...write what you really wish were true in yourself. Be realistic. When you finish, then take each thing one by one and write beside it what you would need to do to accomplish what you wanted to be. If you seriously start working on that list to change yourself, then you will discover that that's DBing! As you'll notice, if you read other threads, about the first thing a newcomer is told, will be to start improving themselves until they become the very best "you" possible.

This is so important to your R, but most of all for yourself. You have been through a lot of emotional stress (just the loss of one's parent can take a year, or longer, to grieve). I've read that major changes in one's life (like moving to a another state) can easily add to the level of grief and depression. So, that's just two things that could be seen as a justified cause for deep sorrow or depression.

You speak very kindly about your spouse, and paint yourself as pretty much the bad guy in the R. I think you've tried hard to be upbeat around her, and try to give her more space. I am wondering, however, if you don't feel a bit panicked with her being emotionally detached from you. We see that in almost all the newcomers. Being able to get past the fear of her leaving you, may be the hardest part of your journey.

So, you need to believe in yourself and determine in your heart that you are going to make friends with the one you will never be able to leave....."you". If you'll work on the suggested list I mentioned, then you should have some ideas for goals. That is the best starting line for the marathon.

Take exceptionally good care of yourself. Eat a good diet. Get on a exercise program (if it's nothing more than walking outdoors). The exercise helps your body deal with stress. Watch only funny movies and nothing about couples. Listen to only the music that will lift your mood (not those sad country blues). You need to feed yourself physically, mentally, and inspirational. Nobody is going to do it for you.....only Sunshine.

It's hard, but not impossible. You can do it.

It's Friday night! What you doing over the weekend?