WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

Journal:

It was a quiet Thanksgiving. I cooked for my mom and brother who came over. It was a little sad since it'll be my Thanksgiving in the house.

Before Thanksgiving, my WAW came over to discuss the marriage settlement agreement. The meeting had it's emotional ups and downs. She kept pressing me on points on the document and I struggled with protecting myself. In the end, we left it with me taking a turn on the document and sending her my edits. Neither of us want to engage outside parties, but I'm not sure if that's realistic or prudent.

During the interaction, there were moments where my WAW showed some emotion (e.g., teared up, laughed). She made it clear to me that her goal in this process is to feel no emotion in the midst of what is by nature a tense situation. I'm not trying to attribute hope to any of this, but I find it interesting that she is doing her best NOT to feel emotions.

I'm making progress on the work front. Not being fully employed affects so much of my interaction with my WAW and at times my GAL. She has referenced multiple times that she would have expedited the D, but has tried to remain sensitive due to my job status. I can't help but wonder how appealing I can be in this current state. This topic brings up alot of anger and frustration in me because of our R. My WAW has always sought respect and validation from others..we both have. It explains our push when younger to focus on career and school. It's difficult to not feel discarded and abandon by her. What adds to the frustration and anger is that she credits alot of her success (e.g., getting into Ivy League grad school) on our R. As we go through the unwinding, friends emphasize to me that I need to let go and get what I deserve. It's tough seeing the person you thought you would be with for the rest of your life as a party in a business negotiation.

(Deep breath). A friend told me that going through a D is like traveling through a garden hose. You can't go back, stop, and it's uncomfortable and scary. But in the end, you'll make it out to the other side and things will be better. I know I'll get through this and out of the hose. I'm just looking so forward to getting there.