Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

AJ you're right on the whole "things being off for awhile but not really acknowledging that." In my case XH and I had such awesome "chemistry" as well as likes/dislikes about free time activities/politics/religion/pop culture, all that stuff that people around us fought about, that we ignored any potential problems. I think at the core, we each were deeply insecure, for different reasons, with ourselves, we saw the partner as the one who "completed" us or was responsible for all our happiness, and we lacked real adult identities. It's so ironic, he and I really had exactly the same problems in so many ways...and yet because he found OW to transfer affections to, he's still never spent one night of his adult life knowing that someone else isn't "in love" with him, and he seriously derives all his self-esteem from that, from "being desired." I used to but aim to get all the self-esteem from within...still working on that!

Jack you raise a REALLY good point on the whole "does it sting" issue.

Honestly the thing that stuck out to me was the part about how we think we aren't controlling but we also don't like someone else to be in charge. THAT stung to me, but I will say it's changing for me.

Starting about 10 years ago, one of my work difficulties was my old boss who was a total control freak. Her controlling ways (and my own insecurity because I didn't have a Phd and she did) made me lose sleep, worry, and have lots of job anxiety that I complained about A LOT. The bad effect of this was that XH bore the brunt of my complaining. The good side is that wanting to prove myself to her made me do all this professional development and get myself published in a field that she scoffed at. NOW she respects me AND my field.

I and my colleagues grew tired of her control, and we voted in a new chair. I've been offered the position and I never take it. I did it for a year and hated "all that power."

Anyway now that she and I are closer, which we are because I don't feel insecure around her because of my own accomplishments, I have grown to learn that she is NOT over the death of her husband 10 years ago (sudden heart attack), even thoguh she is remarried, and she really thrives best when she has the chair's job to focus on. And bottom line, she's a better chair than anyone I've worked with before...just has "her way or the highway" on a few things, and we all resisted that after awhile.

Well to MY credit, now that I see that she is happier in this job than not, and that the department itself is BETTER OFF with her running things, I intend to nominate her for the position again and get her back in doing this job. I never wanted to run things at work, but I worked behind the scenes to put someone in power who would not police me EVER, and that in itself is a way I was being controlling.

My goal is that if she gets her position back, to "let her be", and when she is controlling about this idea or the other, let it ride and not get up in arms emotionally about it and not take it personally.

The "me" that existed prior to the divorce would NEVER have been this understanding of someone else's motivations and would never have admitted that removing her "from power" was my own backdoor way of being controlling myself :-)