Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Thanks Lostforwords -- too late! We've mutually discussed our prior sexual history over the course of our marriage. My DB Coach and both the IC's said that it sounds like she was the victim of some type of sexual trauma like molestation, but I really don't believe that to be the case.

What she has told me is this: she had sex many times when she didn't want to. Not that it was forceful or rape, she would just have sex with people out of a sense of obligation because she felt she had set the expectation by flirting with them, going back to their place, whatever. I get the sense that she felt once she was on the path, it was more difficult for her to derail it than to just give in to it, and that put her in situations where she was having sex with people she really didn't want to have sex with.

I'm sure if those ended up being one night stands, that hurt her self esteem. By the time I met her, she was beyond that, successful in her job, and was coming out of a monogamous 4 year relationship where she had at one point wanted to marry the guy and he moved out. He subsequently proposed to her but she had moved on.

Here's where I come out -- we've been together for 17 years. During that time, I really have done my best to be supportive. I've never been critical of her at all, and I really don't ask or expect her to do anything for me other than to have sex with me on some regular basis.

Our marriage did become sex-starved which precipitated a negative cycle of me withdrawing and her feeling worse about the QT she wasn't getting. I was never mean, I just took the relationship for granted and decided to GAL because I wasn't getting my needs met at home. I decided to try to be happy in other ways. This made her increasingly passive aggressive and irritable. I would ask her how her day was and she would snap at me, which would make me retreat further. It came to a head when I discovered she had multiple EA's with co-workers and a couple bar night flings. At that point she demanded divorce and was done with me.

From that point I have DB'd, I've done everything I can to put things right in every way. My bottom line is that I think I have demonstrated that she can do the worst thing imaginable to me and I'll still be here for her. I stayed. If she can't trust me after all this time, and become intimate and vulnerable, how is she going to find happiness with anyone else?

I guess if she doesn't work this out with me, it's going to come back to bite her in any relationship she gets involved with going forward right? Is that the kind of life she wants? It's hard for me to accept that it's ok with her, but I can't control that.

Accuray