To say that once anything, always anything doesn't really leave much room for anybody to grow.
That doesn't necessarily mean it isn't a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide that.
My D's and I have had some intersting philisophical discussions on forgiveness that have helped each of us define (for ourselves) what that means.
In my case, I believe that forgiveness is for me (I had the hardest time forgiving myself for his leaving). By understanding that he is human and as such flawed and imperfect, I was able to forgive. Like all of us, he has limitations. Seeing not only his, but mine, make compassion so much easier for me.
I also believe that you can forgive someone and not choose to have any kind of R with them.
If all that's happened between the two of you is a deal breaker for you, it just is. You have limitations too.
Personally, until I'd worked through the anger, I wasn't in a place to forgive.
I asked my t the same thing today. I'll write about it on my thread later.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi - I reviewed a little bit of your sitch and it looks like your H still has feelings for you and is actively in an affair, and you fear having trust issues going forward. That's separate from processing anger, and it's going to require his being sincerely committed to working on whatever's wrong in your relationship that caused him to get involved with someone else. If he's a pathological liar, or a "sex addict" or otherwise not able to control himself, your M could be perfect and he'd cheat. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think most people who cheat were lacking something in their marriage that they weren't aware of and/or didn't know how to fix. If your H is in that category, and you end up being able to work together honestly and openly to create a fulfilling marriage, you have reason to believe he won't cheat.
THEN you have to still deal with your anger so it doesn't come out in other ways and damage your relationship.
And also, if you end up divorcing him because he won't stop cheating or he won't work on the marriage, or if he ends up divorcing you...you still have this anger to deal with.
I'm similarly wondering what "deal with anger" means so I asked my T. I don't want to sabotage myself with unaddressed anger, and I know I wasn't successful with my anger in the past. I'm posting on the session in my own thread.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva--I read your thread and thanks for sharing.
I know he said the biggest problem in our marriage was that I did not listen to him and that made him confine in his female coworkers. So, I am working on this and I demonstrated to him last weekend when were talking our marriage. I listen and did not interrupt him while he was talking. And when he would point out my wrong doings, I said, I understand how you could have seen it that way.
Tried to keep myself busy today so I would not think about H and what he might be doing. I trimmed all the trees in front of the house. It looks good. Played a lot with my D. She enjoyed playing outside and helping me with the trees.
I was thinking about something...When I have my D, my H falls off the face of the earth, but when he has her, I hear from him. That is just not fair. Anyways...
When H walked out, I couldn't afford to live in the house by myself, so I sold it. That was shortly after he moved out in July. So, since July I have been staying with my family. At the end of the month, I will be moving into my own place. I wonder if I will hear from him more.
At the end of the month, I will be moving into my own place. I wonder if I will hear from him more.
I wouldn't count on it Hopeful... I don't see how that will make a big difference. There are ways he can contact you now without involving your family, right? If he's not using those avenues now don't expect a change then.
However, getting your own place I think will be good for YOU. It allows you to be on your own and have your own place to retreat to and recharge. You can be your own woman and your daughter can have her own place too. That can help you be stronger and forge your own life without your H. When that happens maybe he will see something that piques his interest or makes him wonder what he's missing.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
The reason why I mentioned if things would change once I moved into my own place, was because the other weekend he made a comment about he couldn't wait for me to this because he felt wierd coming over to see our D with my family being around.
