Forward, slow as she goes

[braveheart]

BeingMe, as I have told you before, you have been at this a LONG time. You have tried everything and it is what it is. I think your H does what he does because he can, and he knows it. My advice to you at this point is this; take no more of his calls, change the locks on the house, place all his belongings outside and pin a note on the door informing him that you are done, find another place to stay. This course will do one of 2 things, either he will change his ways toward you or you will go ahead and divorce. Living like this is not healthy for you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

One of the more entertaining aspects of being a moderator is the use of judgement. Braveheart is moderated, not for anything he did here in MLC and not by my call.

So I get to pre-read the messages from moderated people before they post, and so far...I have approved them all. Including this one which...is pretty hard core advice.

I don't agree with all of it specifically. However I agree with it generally.

Something should change. It's DB 101, it's something long time LBS tend to forget. Change and monitor results.

[braveheart]

Jack, thanks for approving my messages. LOL If those on here feel the need to keep me on the bad boy list for having strong opinions, so be it, no big deal! As for the reason why I am moderated, it has to do with the strong advice I gave on another thread in another forum.... If you look at that thread, nothing has changed, still talking about the same things with the same results....

[BeingMe]

I always appreciate your advice, BH. I wish I could just change the locks and leave a note. There's more to it than just that, though. For one, my S24 lost his job, and had to move back home. There are other issues not even related to the M that I have to think of, before I can up anchor and sail off. Fortunately, H is rarely here, so I don't have to be around him. Often, I don't get his calls. I have just gone through a period of "freaking out" ... just want to get on with my life, but I can't ... not just this minute. I don't want my H back now ... too late, too much water under the bridge ... he left it too long now. If he had to suddenly want back into a R, I would be very suspicious. We are friendly at least. So, I vent on this forum. It helps.

I am at peace for now, and I hope this will last awhile. I guess it was stress from exams, and my D19's projects/tests. She gets me on edge because she gets very sensitive when she's trying to get things together. And, won't take my help, such as picking up things from the printer, etc. Which is to her credit. And then S24 being in the situation he's in. He's an apprentice welder and they are the first to go when there's no work. He's not been able to find work for a couple of months, and we can't pay his rent for him. So, he moved back home.

As much as I wish I could just leave ... I can't. I can't just sell the house and leave my kids hanging (I would need the money from the profit to buy another place in the city I want to go where my D24 and grandkids are). D19 is still at uni, and I need my S24 to get settled more permanently. But, I did take a weekend at a hotel up the coast, which is right on the beach. Even though it was chilly and blustery, it was still nice to walk along the beach, and take some pics. I had dinner alone, but read while waiting for my meal, and then there was live jazz on the Saturday night. Was nice to get away from everything, even the dogs.

[BeingMe]

So, I wrote my geography lab exams on Thursday. One good thing is, I answered all the questions for a change. This course has been really difficult for me because it has a certain amount of math in it. Loooong time since I did more than the usual -/+x. I'm talking 30 plus years. Also, my anti-seizure meds makes me forget stuff. I may know a concept, but forget the name associated with it. For instance, I know what an alluvium landscape is, but I often forget the word "alluvium". If the exam asks me what is an alluvium landscape, then I stand a chance of remembering, but ..... there ya go. It s*cks! Ugh! So, I hope I pass this one, 'cause I failed the last lab exam. Just under the pass mark. I've been passing my lecture exams .... just over the pass mark, so who knows what my final grade will be. I'm holding thumbs for a 'C', but even a 'D' will be okay. My other courses tend to get me A's and B's so it is hard to imagine getting such a low grade.

Why am I discussing this on a marital forum? Because my H isn't interested in doing so. He's not interested in anything in my life, but will go on and on about his project in China. I am thinking of ignoring his calls, but then one of the kids will pick up, so I talk to him then. Or, he calls until I do pick up, because he's "worried" that something happened.

Anyway, just needed to get uni stuff off my chest.

[punkin]

I thought Alluvium was a pain killer.

[BeingMe]

I thought Alluvium was a pain killer.

Hahaha! Does sound like it could be, 'eh!

[WCW]

I'm glad you've got some peace for now. Sometimes it's good just to take yourself out of your life and make an escape, even if it's temporary.

You don't sound ready to make your split permanent, and that's okay. Only you can make that choice. Keep getting things in order.

It sure seems like your H reaches out for you and doesn't want to let go, yet he won't engage either. Why wouldn't he want out? Job or religious reasons?

I wonder BH, when forcing a change why does it have to be mean spirited and drastic? Does it have to be Shock and Awe?
My H said he was leaving and drove out. I changed the locks, but then chickened out and changed them back. He was back almost faster than I could get those locks changed. I was glad he didn't come back to find the locks changed. I suppose it can be argued he would have been shocked and pleaded with me, but because he is who he is I think he would have turned and walked away for good.

[braveheart]

WCW, Why do you consider my advice "mean spirited"? BeingMe has been here 7 years and her H has told her time and again he doesn't love her, doesn't want her. She on the other hand has stayed and took it all. My question is this: Why not a little shock and awe? Why not throw something unexpected in there? What does she have to lose? Everyone is different, just as you and your H are. As you pointed out, your H left, but as you pointed out, he came back. BeingMe's H is there and why wouldn't he be? He leaves for weeks at a time with his job, comes back for a couple days, then its back to what he wants to do. Anyway, that's why I gave the advice I did. BeingMe, I agree with WCW in the sense that I don't feel you are ready to split yet. I have heard you say these things before, but yet there is always something that keeps you from doing anything for a while down the road. I also agree with WCW that its fine if you wish to continue living that way. Its your life and its yours to do as you wish. I don't think anything will change though until you do something extreme.

[AntoniaB]

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, your post about exams and such is part of your GALing...so post away if it helps. It sounds like you're setting challenges for yourself with your exams and classwork, and you're working hard on this area of self-improvement. That's all part of the GAL process and part of you doing things for yourself that will serve you now and in the future.