Autumn- I just got caught up on your sitch and wanted to say I think your doing a great job. Your h sounds pretty moody and volatile so I can only imagine you trying to make sense of his actions and words. It is only mind-reading to speculate but he seems confused as well and probably couldn't truthfully tell you exactly what is going on in his mind since it seems to change so frequently.
Keep up the gal because from a lot of what you wrote I sense that he sees what he is going to miss if he doesn't get himself together and hopefully that will be motivation enough for him to figure out what steps he needs to take to move towards a better place with you.
I considered myself pretty co-dependent on my w and although that has changed significantly since our seperation I do not want to fall back into that dynamic. How would you rate the Co-Dependent book, was it helpful and practical?
Thanks WenikiTiki!! I really appreciate it. Yes definitely LOTS of truth, sometimes hard to read But better to make the changes now than 10 years from now. I hope it helps you too!
I just heard a song on the car stereo that made me crank it up. It was A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. If you get a chance, google the lyrics. It is really good I may just make it my ringtone on my phone for a while.
Did some nice things for me today. On my lunch break I went to get my hair cut. It feels wonderful and is super cute if I must say so myself.
S15 has a basketball tournament tonight, and another game tomorrow. After tomorrows game, I will go for a manicure. S17 has a basketball game in the late afternoon. Will feel good to fit in some "me time" in the middle.
It seems that their are a couple co-dependent no more books, are they kind of like DB and then a more recent version like DR? Which is the one that many on these threads refer to?
Thanks in advance
My s15 has his bball about to start too, I can't wait!!!
My W read these books (on the recommendation of her therapist) as a way of finding a way of letting me go.
I'm not saying that co-dependency is a good thing, but I do believe as a natural part of M there is a certain amount of co-dependency.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Yes SIAS, it seems like she has new releases since the first one came out in the late 80's. I think she just revised it. Looks like she has a handbook too.
You are probably right Peter, by definition codependency is putting someone ahead of your own needs which can be healthy in a M if you know the boundaries. The difference with me is that I am doing this in unhealthy ways. I am not in any way suggesting that we should be selfish. I need to learn my own boundaries and hold myself to them. I'm sorry that the book was a negative thing in your R. I definitely think for my sitch, my H would be relieved. He has felt that I am controlling which is a symptom of codependency. By helping myself I am also helping those around me.
Was an interesting weekend here, but for the most part I think it was ok. I'm working much harder on defining my boundaries and setting them where appropriate.
Friday night we had a basketball tournament for S15 which was good, took one of the kids friends with us. On the way home he asked if I minded stopping for a bite with the kids. While there he grabbed my hand and said "this is nice"
The next morning he pulled back again, I wasn't totally shocked this time thankfully. Not like in the beginning. Although its not as if it gets easy.
So Saturday I went about my day and he went about his, the kids were both working so it wasn't affecting them at all. By late afternoon, I got a text asking me where I was. I didn't respond right away and eventually just said "on my way home shortly".
Saturday night he asked if I would go with him to meet some friends briefly. I was under the assumption that the friends didn't know anything but if he had talked to them, I wouldn't be surprised.
The one friend, whom I have known for 20 years and H has known for 25 years came in and hugged me tight and said "you are so sweet" and then shoved H and said "you're an idiot". He repeated this a few times, to both of us. I heard H respond "we're doing better, let it go"
So needless to say that hurt a bit. It turns out that the friend had been drinking before he got there which is why he was so loose with his words.
Sunday morning H was thoughtful and in a pleasant mood but by afternoon he was moody and distant. We were working on finances and realizing just how tight things are right now, and thankfully we are under the same roof. It would be so much tougher if we weren't. I didn't say this out loud, I just thought it.
It is possible that we just spent too much time together this weekend, and I need to make sure he gets his space. I think it is better for both of us to have that balance. This week I have an event on Thursday and also on Friday with two separate groups of friends. All local and not expensive which would be a trigger.
Heading to S15's tournament again in a few minutes which should be fun. The kids seem like they are doing well right now, so thankfully we have been good at keeping them out of it. For that I am very thankful.
S15 is home sick today. My routine is to get up when the boys do to ensure they have everything they need and get them off. It's more for me than them, they are 15 and 17 and really don't need me there. I just like to interact with them over breakfast, and then get my day going too.
When S15 said he was sick this morning, H said "do you want to go check him, you are much better at that. Sometimes I am too hard a$$ and he may need his mom" I thought that was nice.
We even managed to laugh a bit this morning which was nice.
I've got a busy day at work and a meeting this evening which is rare for me, but I am looking forward to it.
I'm still trying to find a place to give back this Christmas (in my area) thanks Valeska's great example. I am inspired to do something locally and hope to find it soon. It is not just GAL but helping others which really helps me too.
But better to make the changes now than 10 years from now. I hope it helps you too!