I think you're right vc - I was probably a step or two above a baglady for years. All in the name of saving money, but who could possibly be attracted to someone like that? I don't know what I was thinking.
H said from the beginning that he was an affectionate person but I didn't catch out to how emotionally needy he was until he started pouting when I went out without him. He's not outwardly jealous or territorial, but he definitely needs to stay connected by some means all the time. Whether by phone, text, email or telegram - that's why it is bothering him to have his access to the ow cut off.
But in turn, he has been seeking me out for those emotional needs, and he is acting more stable. His phone, which is usually beeping or ringing off the hook has been eerily quiet. He already tried the secret phone route once, and he knows that there is nowhere safe for him to hide. No locker at work, we share a car and I clean everything in the house.
I myself have done my fair share of snooping. Immediately after finding about ow#1, I guessed his cell phone online access password and tracked his calls and texts. It only took him a few weeks to figure out how I knew what he was doing, so he changed the password. About six months later I guessed it again and kept my lips sealed for more than 2 years. That is how I know when he was going honest versus trying to cover things up. Those two boneheads went as far as having him call her at her job instead of her cell. She works at a college, so it took me little time to figure that one out.
It just became far too time and energy consuming to keep up with it - for the both of us. After the confrontation over the summer, ow#1 was shattered. I think she really felt like she was the 'one' and had no idea that he was sharing their 'secrets' with me. Oh well.
I never found any keepsakes, so I'm kind of glad for that. I can imagine how good it might have felt for you to destroy that box. I'm lucky in that none of these women used 'Light his Fire,' - strangely enough, ow#1 seemed to drive him away by being overly aggressive and verbally abusive. I've read messages from her to him where she berates him, cusses him out, it was kind of insane. Even at our worst times, I have never said anything like that to him, and it seemed to be quite common between him and ow#1.
What I do know about ow#2 is that she is recently divorced and seems to enjoy being single, but still wants the benefits of being in a relationship without being tied down. Why else would she be reaching out to old boyfriends rather than to just move forward? After getting through a messy divorce, she might be avoiding getting into anything that complicates her life. If so, good riddance to bad rubbish.
Being more caring, thoughtful, paying attention to his moods and truly listening seems to be working really, really well. Same as when I validated his feelings, agreed to split up and pulled away almost completely. Its still touch and go at this point, but I am encouraged by the fact that he is staying put. No random trips to the store, he calls more often, is still acting 'normal' even if somewhat sad at times. Just got the invoice from the counselor, so I have to figure out how to get us back into therapy in the next week or so.
