PA - Confirmed - Blinkers are off.

[Accuray]

I'll say it again NYCPeter, it wasn't about disrespecting you or the marriage, you weren't a factor in it at all -- it was all about her. There was NO decision made to disrespect you. The thought of disrespect (or any other consequences) didn't even cross the radar screen. It was more "that's what I want, I'm going to pursue it". There was no "If I pursue this, here's what it means" -- that line of thought is pushed aside and buried.

Remember, there was no willful disrespect, it's really more like negligence.

If you can understand that, it will make it easier to forgive and to find peace for yourself.

Accuray

[westcoastfella]

I'm with Accuray on this. I think it's funny because the movies and TV shows usually portray people in A's as either being hugely remorseful but still doing it anyway or being terrible people who have no respect for the feelings of others. In either example, the person is still logical and sane. Whereas the reality seems to be that A's have a tendency to abduct WAS' minds and turn them into zombies. They are no longer the people that they once were.

Your W's behavior may be hugely disrespectful in the real world, but in her world, she probably thinks that she's acting perfectly normal. Hence our insanity at their insanity.

[NYCPeter]

Starsky - great to hear your story and that you and your W reconciled.


Quick journal.

Not much has happened since the weekend - small signs that make me feel good, W has been giving me a kiss before going to bed and has not been retreating to her side of the bed when I come up to bed.

She's still hiding her iphone at night - who cares - what else is there to come out in the open (unless she is still in contact with OM).

I went out with friends for dinner and drinks last night - I just told my W I would be home late and that I was eating out.
When I got home W asked questions "Did you have a good day", "How was your evening" - she was probing for where I went, I gave short generic responses.

As I said - I think now the A is out in the open she is a little relieved, not that it's changed her mind just something she no longer has to hide.

I'm playing soccer tonight and drinks afterwards.

[NYCPeter]

Haven't journaled for a couple of days.

Weds night I played soccer and then had drinks with friends.
Last night - I came home, W was very chatty - I tried to remain detached she asked a lot of questions I answered politely, enquired about her and the girls and in general had a good evening.

When I got to bed last night - W was half-asleep, I said goodnight, W slided over to my side of the bed and we fell asleep.

This AM woke up early - We were still very close.
I said "I'm feeling frisky" (yes I know it was pursuit), W started to get intimate with me - problem is W did not want me to get intimate with her. Everytime I tried - she would back away. So I just enjoyed it for what it was.

I am concerned that she won't allow me to be intimate with her, it's almost as though she is acting out of "duty". I recognize I pursued but @ 5:30am your mind isn't always clear. Just hope this isn't because she still has OM on her mind.

Confused - yes, but won't try to dwell on it too much.

[2thepoint]

OK Mr. Frisky, you do know that you are pursuing, so stop it! I think you can see small signs of progress but you need to be careful not to sabatoge the fragile nature of your progress.

Since the A seems to be fading away, you need to let your W mourn and stop trying to bring her towards you. Let her do that on her own.

Think of it like trying to start a small fire with a single match. You got it to light and you know it needs oxygen to burn. But if you blow on it too hard, you will extinguise the flame. Stop blowing so hard!

[workinghardguy]

Peter... your concerns are the same ones I had and the reason W and I stopped having sex. While the last time we had sex we both enjoyed it, it was also clear that she was just "doing her wifely duties". I can only imagine that generates all sorts of resentment; though my W did allow me to be intimate with her. I just figure if it's casual sex then that shouldn't be with someone where it's anything but casual right now. And if it isn't casual sex then it's pursuing and trying to force a bond. Either way it's not a good thing.

If we ever find our way to piecing then we'll cross the ML bridge again. or if she initiaties it I may reconsider, but for now, no.

[NYCPeter]

Agree on all comments, I need to let her pursue me. I am rushing this.

Working from home today and she's been very snappy.
For example D9 needs to go in for a minor procedure on Monday -
Me - "Hospital called while you were out, did you know we need to be there at 7:00am"
W - "No, but that's not my fault."
Me - "I'm just letting you know that they called and told me we need to be there by 7:00am"
W - "Well I didn't plan it that way - they call the day before to give us the schedule"
Me - "Ok - do you need me to stay at home Mon AM off to make sure D6 gets off to school"
W - "Yes - how else are we going to manage it"
Me - "Ok"

Her tone was aggresive throughout....
Rollercoaster goes up and down...

[BklynMom]

She is in mourning and she is just just starting to wake up from her fog.

Hang in there. Be an even more awesome Dad & man now. She may wake up soon and realize it

[NYCPeter]

I backslid big time last night.

I went out with friends - but because my W could not get off work and we could only get a babysitter until 8pm - I came home early.

W came hone @ 4:00am - said she was working until 2:30am and then went out for drinks with friends.

I totally lost my cool and have probably lost any chance of reconciliation - I told her she was behaving like a loose woman (though that's not the term I used), I told her I had no respect for her and that she was throwing away a good M to behave like a teenager. I kept asking her if she was with OM.

She said - this is why we have no chance of reconciliation, because she wants a couple of drinks after work I get mad and start an argument. I said she can have drinks but coming home at 4:00am is not the behavior of a W and mother.

Same arguments - same results and I don't learn!!

I also found out she has opened an account with the local credit union - I don't know how much is there, but she used it to pay her L's $4k retainer.

I'm an idiot - these arguments are not DBing or saving out M (if there is any chance of saving it) - all the hard work I put in are nullified by this behavior.

[Abbey]

Now might be a good time to go "dim" for a bit. You've had the argument, she'll be all crappy for a few days. Just back off. Speak when spoken to. Smile til it kills you. And let her come to you.

Yes... It's a tightrope walk... and living together during this kind of thing IS worse than living apart. Nobody can give you a definitive rule book on what to do on any given sitch. Sometimes you have to weave and bob.

Try to reward good behavior with positive gentle reinforcement. And as hard as it is... IGNORE the bad stuff for now.